>Sadness begets needs…

>Sadness seeps through my soul like heroin flowing through an addict’s blood stream.

And it would seem like my analogy is unseemly but really it seems like these days pain is what obtains…

Happiness comes only for a minute and in it or rather on its heels come the wings that take me gliding right above the streams of melancholia…threatening to drop me right in.

Would I rather swim within this deep and very thick body of pain?? Would it better?
I gain some altitude sometimes only to find myself right back where I was, no matter how long the time.

The lines of words which I write seem to be my only respite from this shocking plight.

What is its cause? I seem to remember a time when it was all good. The occasional mood swing was easily understood and swiftly overtaken by the love I felt. I smelt like Bvlgari BLV but the TLC which I had made it seem like so much more…

This has been torn away and now…I simply seek to be reborn. To live my life without regrets where doing as I wish is not a threat to another’s existence and the persistence of the bullshit would cease and I would be able to be at ease & maybe even find closure with this state I’m in….

The truth lies within they say so I desperately search my soul. My goal is to gain some understanding. I’m demanding a resolution from myself. If I could I would reach up onto a philosophical shelf and pick it up, shake it but not stir. Throw in a lemon and drink till every last drop was down my throat, & my thirst for an understanding of me quenched.

Yes. I’m beginning to think this is part of the problem, my lack of understanding…me.

I need to live for myself for a bit. Not to sit and say “fuck the world” [please pardon my French] but to establish and fully understand my place in it.

I need to kiss a woman and again taste the plush sexiness that resides between the warmth of her lips, instead of remembering the taste of…….sugar…..*sigh*

I need to once again listen to City Love & Not Like Crazy, and remember what it felt to love those songs for the pleasure they brought me….& hope that maybe one day, they’ll hold that same extraordinary attachment once again…

I need to make my peace with my maker, no matter how long it may take. For God’s sake! I think I need him more than he does me…

I need to scream at the top of my lungs, all of those songs I like to sing in private. Get my neighbors all totally irate.

I need to get my fat arse back into some form of fitness… (lol)…

I need….I need…

Here’s the summary: I need to understand again the freedom of living life to the fullest…whether I do it alone, this is as yet unknown.

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About The Capoeira Panda

Panda makes his home in the world of words and metaphors. In the hopes to be more than just a confused blogger, he currently works as the editor for an ecommerce company that was good enough to hire him, and lives with his flat mates & two imaginary dogs who get along just fine. He enjoys reading good books, writing, relaxing with his friends, & poking fun at his mother over the phone. When he's not doing any of these, he sometimes sits back and wonders why anyone expects to learn anything useful about him by reading this bio. View all posts by The Capoeira Panda

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