>The Sum of My Fears

>In the last couple of years, one of the reasons for which I’ve sunk into some horrible mood swing, has been fear. A fear which for some reason I could never explain…and whenever I’d try to put these fears to words, it just never worked…anyways, tonight, I read a blog by a chic called elmerhassan. She wrote about some of the fears she had…fantastic piece by the way. And after reading it…I decided to write about my fears. So here goes:

The summary of my fears, is that I will never be.

That my dreams and aspirations will never see the light of day, & making hay while there is a shining sun is something I will never find because the sun will never shine on my day, and these words with which I play will one day be used as ammo against me.

I fear that I may never grow up to be what my mother dreamed when she sacrificed a lot of her dreams by superseding my needs over hers and the scars that stand as proof of her hard work will never be wiped away.

What if I’m never able to make my dad proud? The look of disappointment never leaving his gaze for the rest of his days, and what if I turn out to be just like him? A patron saint of perfectionism and attention to detail, turning the love of my life from a devoted wife to an unhappy woman. Never thinking about my family’s feelings before I open my mouth to speak, alienating myself from everyone with a perfectionist attitude, all to simply end up as a torn page from a list of all the things which my children hope they never have to grow up to be like.

Speaking about my dad, the man is 67. And for some reason or the other, his family still depends heavily on him. I fear sometimes what would happen if he should just suddenly die, before we’re able to stand on our feet. Or that he may not live to see any of his children.

And about children, I’m not really afraid that I won’t have any, I simply fear that I may not be a good father. That I may hurt them in my efforts to raise them right. I fear that I may end up with dysfunctional kids who’ll have to go through counseling and some other shit just to re-write their psyche just ‘cos their old man couldn’t be a good father.

I fear that all my struggles in uni may all go to waste. Like after the sleepness nights, and the lack of a social life during the semester, I may still not graduate first class. And the worst part is that I fear that after all the shit I’ve put myself through, I may just graduate first class, but find myself unable to contribute anything worthwhile to my society.

I fear that my thoughts and words which I put on paper may never be appreciated. That I may never grow as a writer. That my words will someday stand as a testament of simply being a waste of time and efforts that could’ve been put to better use.

I fear that my heart may never heal. That I may never be able to glue the pieces of my broken soul together and once again love without fear of being hurt. I fear that I may never find the woman that is meant for me. Or even worse, that I may have found her, but let her go…never to get her back again because of my firm and maybe one day very stupid belief…

And if she’s not the one for me, I fear that no other woman will be able to make me feel the way she does. That no one will be able to make me smile the way she used to, or bite my neck and send sensations running through my spine the way she did. Or make me feel so good just by saying…Adeyemi.

I fear that I may lose myself on this road on which I find myself.

I fear that I may never make my peace with God. That one day I may go to meet him and find that there is nothing to stand in my defense.

I fear that I may one day become like everyone else. That all the talk about being different from the crowd may be just talk, and I may turn out to be like every other Nigerian who doesn’t know right from wrong, or knows the difference, but refuses to stand and fight for what he believes in.

The summary of my fears, is that I will never be.


About The Capoeira Panda

Panda makes his home in the world of words and metaphors. In the hopes to be more than just a confused blogger, he currently works as the editor for an ecommerce company that was good enough to hire him, and lives with his flat mates & two imaginary dogs who get along just fine. He enjoys reading good books, writing, relaxing with his friends, & poking fun at his mother over the phone. When he's not doing any of these, he sometimes sits back and wonders why anyone expects to learn anything useful about him by reading this bio. View all posts by The Capoeira Panda

4 responses to “>The Sum of My Fears

  • MissOluwaboba

    >Your words are already deeply appreciated. they are a precious gift, a priceless connection, perhaps the only connection left. you are well on your way to being the person you ought to be,you just can't see it yet. as for adding value to your society, you do not have a clue of what you have done, what you have changed, the standard you have set, just by being you. i have utmost faith in you,more importantly, in the God that made you you.Be patient. Only believe.

  • Luminus

    >This summary of your fears spit forth with eloquent words, already negate the fear of not growing as a writer.I read your blog and I say to the Mrs. some people can write, me I'm just a very talented reader and that isn't flattery by the way, only truth.I'm sure you've heard the very cliched expression that defines FEAR as False Evidence Appearing Real. Cliched as it may sound, it is the truth and nothing could be truer.The great power of fear is that it seizes your belief. Your belief is the greatest asset and weapon in your arsenal.The Bible says, "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he".C.W. Longenecker has this to say:If you think you are beaten, you are,If you think you dare not, you don't.If you like to win, but you think you can't,It is almost certain you won't.If you think you'll lose, you're lost,For out in the world we find,Success begins with a fellow's will.It's all in the state of mind.If you think you are outclassed, you are,You've got to think high to rise,You've got to be sure of yourself beforeYou can ever win a prize.Life's battles don't always goTo the stronger or faster man.But soon or late the man who wins,Is the man who thinks he can.Rene Descartes backs the Bible up with the words "Cogito ergo sum" translated "I think, therefore I am" or "I am what I think".If you control your thoughts, you control your life. Reign them in dear friend and the world is but your oyster.

  • Vanity

    >Fear is a strong, almost paralyzing emotion. But determination is even stronger. While fears will forever exist, finding a way around it will be the best thing you ever do

  • diaryofaseeker

    Is ‘brave’ the word I’m looking for, Panda? That’s what I think you are-for owning up to your fears! I kinda have a phobia that my fears will become real, or at least have the propensity to if I put them down..lol
    It’s not about having fears-all men do…I think it’s abt not letting them rule your life, and knowing that the reason for your existence is powerful enough to get yóu through day after day.
    So far so good hun! Am proud of u!

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