It’s been quite a bit…
I’ve written a few blogs which I’d planned to post up, but they all seem so past tense to me. Maybe if I’d taken my time out to put them up as they were happening, it would have been alright. But well, let’s move on to the present. There’s no better time than that is there?
So, what’s been going on? This weekend was a very….eventful one I should say… starting off with Saturday, I finally got my tattoo. It’s my mom’s name, inked across my left wrist. Thanks a lot to Dawn for that birthday present…. But of course, that story has a bit of K leg…. Thanks to my friend Kite, I got really, really high on Friday night. Yes….really high. So high that, when I went to get my ink done, I totally forgot to tell the dude precisely how I wanted it done. So….it’s not like I don’t like it. It just looks….somewhat outta place. Vanity said she doesn’t like it. She thinks it’s messy… and while she may be right, perfection isn’t as important to me as is the reason for the tattoo, which is my old lady. I will be getting a lil’ something added to it though. Something to give it a bit more structure…. & yes Vanity, I will be using a different guy this time…As soon as I can find the extra cash for it, it’ll be done. And no, I won’t be putting up a pic of it till it’s all done and healed properly.
Moving on…… Saturday night came, & with the late night came things I didn’t expect. Discussions regarding my behavior and manner of conducting myself, and discussions about my total lack of regard for her feelings. Then came the question which I didn’t expect to hear, and with the answer that came out not to harm, but to be truthful, came a torrent of pain and emotion.
What was I expected to do? Stay in the same place? That really couldn’t happen. So I’m trying to move on as best as I can. To cut off ties to the memories and thoughts that keep me awake at night and leave me unhappy, close to tears, missing that which once was. That which was taken from me without even prior notice; one minute it was there, the next minute my heart was splintered all over the floor between the doors of my hostel dorm & my neighbor’s door. I did, I have done, & I still do what I can to struggle through. Having to place a cold box where my heart should be just to stay alive and looking for anything to fill up a soul gone hollow with the evaporation of faith in everything beautiful…
But I don’t need to explain myself. In fact, I won’t. I gave a lot of warnings, I guess now the realization comes to bear. I don’t even mind if I’m hated if it’ll help her move on. All I want is that she does. Cos, me and her, I don’t see it anymore. I wish I did, but I look at me, and the changes is my life, the changes in my perceptions and expectations; and then I look at her, and realize that she’s still that same person. She still shoulders the same responsibilities, still wants the same things…it wouldn’t work.
Took a while for me to finally come to this conclusion… *sigh*…so now I’m just trying to do me. I don’t want anything else. That’s all. Nothing extra, no added preservatives, just me.
Does that make me unkind? Or unfair? Or uncaring?