>Grenades, Scapegoats, & Other Measures of Madness.

Lately, Bruno Mars is one of my favorite singers. (I can just see some of the chics reading this. You’ve seen Bruno Mars & you’re happy like a puppy  with two tails.)

Anyways, Bruno Mars. That dude’s voice is….AMAZING! It’s hard to describe. And of course, he has some good song writers that write with him (What? You were thinking he writes all his songs alone? Sorry to disappoint you) so, when you have the dude singing songs like “Just The Way You Are”, you know that’s talent you’re hearing right there.

But there’s one song in particular I’m thinking about.


That song seems to have caused a lot of problems for gentlemen all around me. That buffoon of a boy that’s always wearing cap up & down decided to go & sing “I would catch a grenade for ya, throw my head on a blade for ya, I’d jump in front of a train for ya…..” I think we all know how the lyrics to this song go.

Now, according to @SNN_Headlines, women have now started requiring their husbands, boyfriends and toasters to perform acts of intense madness – such as catching grenade – in order to prove their love for them.

Well, as an unrepentant member of the “Single & Wayward” community (along with some of my brothers such as @mr_1saac, @ThePervNerd, @amosquito4eva, @NanuDiei, @shollylolly & co), this recent disturbance doesn’t disturb me. I mean, any girl that is expecting me to catch grenade for her… *pauses for a minute to laugh like a mad man* … I’m telling you ehn, I go first off all my cloth before I start to dey swear for the half bag of goat!

But really, nowadays, guys are always very afraid to be around women when that song starts playing. A friend of mine got dumped two weeks after the song came out. Two weeks! His girlfriend came to see him one day, dressed in the sexiest dress he’d ever seen. She came in, cooked for him and all.. this dude was wondering what was going on. But well, he saw his girl, a lot of good food – good sex & good food – *smh* the poor fool never even saw anything coming. One minute he was asking “innocently”, why she was being so nice to him that day, the next thing he knew, (according to him) it had turned to her shouting & asking what he’d do for her to prove his love,& would he catch a grenade for her? Now, my poor friend hadn’t heard the song at this point, & he hadn’t the foggiest what this girl was talking about. So of course he laughed and asked, “Why in God’s name would I wanna do that?”

That was how, ladies & gents, this dude pressed the proverbial mad woman’s breast (while ensuring that he’d never again touch his girlfriend’s breasts). The poor guy ended up wearing all the good food that she cooked for him, along with some makeup that looked very much like five fingers laid very neatly across both cheeks.

I felt so sorry for the guy, that I decided to get Bruno Mars’ album, & listen to the song myself. By the way, “Doowops and Hooligans” is a really good album..

But you see, being the kind of guy that I am, I listened to the song very well, to try & understand this new source of male sorrow. I listened to it, and I realized something that most babes have conveniently decided to forget. The end of the chorus goes: “Yes I would die for you baby, but you wouldn’t do the same.”

Interesting ain’t it? Isn’t it quite easy for womenfolk to neglect that part of the song???

The entire song, from the very beginning is about a babe that was just using our guy to catch trips. The dude was there being a mugu in love, meanwhile the babe was using him to play. Part of it goes “Gave you all I had & you tossed it in the trash”. Doesn’t this seem very familiar to somebody reading this??

And have you seen the video to the song?? Oya lemme narrate it for you, just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few months.

So, the basic plot of the video is that, Bruno is dragging a piano somewhere. We’re not totally sure where. All we know is, that piano is heavy, & this dude has attached ropes to it, & he’s dragging it. He takes it across many roads, over a bridge…he sha drags it. At some point, some heavily tattooed guy is yelling in his face, telling him to stop this bullshit, amongst other things (at least so I presume, since we couldn’t hear what the dude was saying). You know what that reminds me of? It reminds me of myself. Telling one of my guys to free a babe cos she was just using him to catch trips. It reminds me of every guy who’s ever, in the spirit of “Bro-hood” ever tried to warn his guy, but ended up ignored.

Anyways, so he finally drags the piano to the front of a house, & this fine chic comes out to the window, but she doesn’t see him. It’s obvious that he dragged the piano to play for her, cos a smile lights up on his face as soon as he sees her. And just as he’s about to sit & play, some dude joins the babe at the window, & she turns round and gives him some quality frenching!

Shet!!!! I swear I almost died!!! After all the stress, the babe was cheating on him?!?! To say na me ehn, na there we for die! No be say anything o! I for kee everybody there!

But Mr. Mars? He simply turns round, &  starts dragging his piano back. He drags it do a train track, & is hit by a train,  piano & all.

Now, I’m sure we all know someone (cos I’m sure nobody’s ever going to admit to being a mugu once upon a time) who was like Mr. Mars at some point. Some babe was always using him to do anyhow. Meanwhile, this dude was forming lover man all over town.

Is this what our women are trying to do to us???

I wee not gree o! Ehen!

Any girl that wants me to catch grenade for her, & is not ready to chop at least two bullets for me, is a  big joker. Ahan! Kilode?!?

In this 2011, there shall be no grenade catching for anybody. In fact, if them throw stone sef I wee not catch. In fact, as I told one babe that asked me about grenade catching, “I can help you hold the grenade pin. You keep the rest.” *hiss* …..That regular thing that babes do when, they’ll enter the club & be talking anyhow to some dude. When gbege come bust, na me them go come meet say “Panda did you see what that guy did? Panda do something! Panda is this how you’ll let him disrespect me?” Mehn babe you’re completely on your own o! I no fit go swallow panadol for you after you carry your own head go knack for ground!

And I blame all these ridiculous expectations on those singers. They’ll sit down & write one silly song so that they can sell. Meanwhile, they forget that they’re putting the rest of us in trouble. I mean, even D’Banj sef is guilty. Now women don dey find “scapegoat” up & down. Me I cannot be anybody’s scapegoat o! Don’t go and dull o.

Anyways sha. This is just a disclaimer o. In 2011, if you’re looking for a scapegoat, or somebody that’ll catch grenade for you, don’t look at Panda o….you’ve definitely come to the wrong place.

Please, fellas. Look very well at the girl you’re proclaiming love for o! If she’s using your head anyhow, open your eyes o! Don’t bring that bullshit “love is blind” nonsense in 2011. Let your love wear glasses if it has to. Before you will go and catch grenade for nothing. Ladies, I advise you to do this as well…


Disclaimer: If at any point in time, I actually told you that I would do anything of the foolish sort for you, I must have been drunk, stoned out of my mind, or possibly both. And statements made under the influence can not be held against me in the court of law…at least I don’t think so.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

About The Capoeira Panda

Panda makes his home in the world of words and metaphors. In the hopes to be more than just a confused blogger, he currently works as the editor for an ecommerce company that was good enough to hire him, and lives with his flat mates & two imaginary dogs who get along just fine. He enjoys reading good books, writing, relaxing with his friends, & poking fun at his mother over the phone. When he's not doing any of these, he sometimes sits back and wonders why anyone expects to learn anything useful about him by reading this bio. View all posts by The Capoeira Panda

7 responses to “>Grenades, Scapegoats, & Other Measures of Madness.

  • agirlgoinginsane

    >i personally LOVE the Grenade song but people listen to songs and just pick what they want to hear… yes, he agreed to catch a grenade for her but would she do the same??? But some babes are stupid – they really think that Grenade shit is serious business!! I refuse to agree that some people still live in that world of fantasy o.. Oh well 'Naija blonde' perhaps!!Any guy that tells me that he wants to catch a Grenade for me sef, may thunder fire the boys mouth, no be only Grenade, na tear gas!!! Rubbish!!!

  • jennifer

    >lmao….I paused at every point to have a gud laugh. I havnt heard the song but this 'review' has made me very curious, so I'm going across d street to my cd man, to get it now now. I def agree with u, this artiste put ideas in our heads, like wen I listened to JayZ's forever young….the part dat says, 'so baby if u love me,that's how u let me know, just never let me go..this is how u let me know baby' (not quite sure i got d whole thing but basically it)……it sort of hit a light bulb (at that time) that mayb that's wat i had to do to keep my boyfriend.. never let him go inspite of all his bs cos I was already half way out. My dear, the more i listened to those lines, the more i held on, the more shit i was given. *Smh* wat songs can do to us.But really, I know a few guys who'd catch grenade for babe…lol. That's when it transcends from love to obssesion though. so maybe that's d kind of love ur friend's girlfriend wanted. A few get lucky though, they find "mugus"All I want is sm1 to make me breakfast in bed and shagg me right. I can find a stunt man, who'll catch grenade for me…*winks*.

  • wellsbaba

    >Omo meehn u just wrote a book! Choi long tin. Anywais I also wondered o whether the version these girls heard was notjustok version. They seemed not to know of the 'but u won't do d same' line

  • olawunmi

    >LMAO…. loved loved loved this post, got me laughing alot. Ok Panda, come lets make a deal, I will gladly take 2 bullets for you, if u will catch a grenade for me, that one nko? 😀

  • honey sanni

    >*still rolling on the floor, tears runing down my eyes* baba, yu try o!

  • Ayoka

    >Love gives. I shall take no less than a man willing to stand on the other end of a bazuka for me. 😀

  • The Capoeira Panda

    >I'm sorry I'm just replying these comments…been..tied up.@AGirlGoingInsane Abeg help me tell these guys o! Lol…Jeje…a guy to shag you right & bring you breakfast in bed…hmmm…I can do this once a month…deal? Lol!@WellsBaba o boy na real notjustok version them go download o! No mind them. If they'll do the same for me, no wahala. Elsewise, no dice!@Hannah….well…as long as the grenade still has the pin in it, no wahala. We haff a deal… :)@Oyin thank you darling :*)Ayoka….I agree. We should all have someone who would be willing to do anything for us, eg catch a bloody grenade. The screwed up part is when you make it a big deal, &start expecting it to happen…like really??? Ah well…

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