It’s interesting how things can turn out, just because of our perspectives of things.
Obviously, this statement is true however you look at it. But in this case it’ll come off as a little bit abstract because I obviously mean something that you reading this cannot understand, and so expect me to explain. But right now, I don’t think I want to explain.
I’m listening to “Brand New Jones” by Robin Thicke, when I’m supposed to be working on my project and things. But for lack of material and more to the point, a general feeling of not possessing an ounce of direction at this point in time, I guess the only thing left for me to do is write.
It feels odd now, because at one point in time, my blog was basically for me to just write general nonsense. Whatever ramblings where running through my head and all that. But now, I feel like every post I put up is expected to be something interesting and witty. Or some form of really good writing (even though sometimes I wonder to myself what precisely is good about my writing. But well I guess the fact that I can’t appreciate myself so much shows that I’m a little bit humble 🙂 )
So yeah, I’m going back to those times. I’ll write whatever is in my head at whatever point in time I may feel like writing. It’s captured in my “About” section of the blog; “I write to inform the ignorant. I write to remind those who have forgotten. But mostly, I write to seek solace.”
I find that behind all the macho that is me, I can be quite a little girl sometimes, especially when I allow my mind to work against me. Sometimes it’s like a cartoon kinda scene. With the angel and demon on both shoulders. But instead of an angel, there’s the rational Panda. The dude that’s always on-top of things. He knows how things are, and advises me as such. And instead of a demon, there’s a sniveling, whiny Panda that wants things his way all the time, and imagines that everything (and I do mean everything) should revolve around him. So when things aren’t going how I’d like them to go, SensiblePanda and WhinyPanda sit on my shoulders and talk to me.
SensiblePanda tells me things how they are; “It’s not like that.” “This is how it is.” “Be reasonable.” “Look at it from this point of view.”…..and so on. But WhinyPanda is just a little bitch sha. I don’t think I even need to explain the things he says. And how fucking unreasonable he can be.
So I let them argue out. And then more often than not, I go with SensiblePanda. Because that’s the kinda person I’m used to being. Cold. Rational. Level headed. Sometimes to a fault. My ex-girlfriend used to tell me that I was a little too rational. And that sometimes, she liked it when I was all unreasonable, cos it showed that I was still human. But sometimes, WhinyPanda wins. And I just can’t bring myself to see reason. – This has been happening to me a lot very recently. Maybe because of all the stress I’m going through with my project. The stress serving as a chink in my armor of rationality – I come up with all these highfalutin reasons as to why things are happening. And then, I just want to bitch about it. But then, here SensiblePanda wins out, and he’ll definitely not let me do that. So I stay silent, and stew in my unnecessary misery. Until the point where I withdraw into one of my legendary sour moods. Yes, I’ve realized that sometimes, I’m the cause of those mood swings (not all the time, but sometimes sha).
So, I’ve succumbed to WhinyPanda’s arguments, and I’m deeply unhappy about irrational things but I won’t say anything about it, cos SensiblePanda has me sure of the fact that I’m being irrational, so I’ll keep quiet and stew in my stupidly self induced misery.
Can you see how I let my mind work against me???
Ah well… enough of all this self psycho-analysis. Lemme see if I can go back to work.
I’m taking a hiatus off Twitter for a while. It’s a distraction, and I need to minimize these distractions so I can focus on my work. I don’t know if I’ll have time to write purposeful blogs or anything, but I’ll try. Of course if I do, I’ll probably just go on Twitter to advertise them, then disappear again. Does this contravene my “Twitter Hiatus?” I don’t know. But I sha know that I have things in my head that’ll only express themselves through my fingers, so there’s no escaping from the writing. Besides, I’m supposed to have Guest Writers… That isn’t gonna just magically happen.