*taps knuckle on board*
Hello everyone and welcome everyone to the first of four lectures in Summer P Setting 101 (from now, known as SPS101). I am Professor Panda.
I understand that summer is on its way, and so single fellas and ladies will be planning a period of fun. Well, I opened this school for those of you who may not possess the basic skills required for successful “P” setting. Along with a few visiting professors, I will be teaching you everything you need to know. The objective is to reduce the amount of brothers who go through the summer with a chronic case of blue balls.
Authors’ Note: If you’re gonna take anything we say in this series seriously, GO BACK TO FACEBOOK.
That said, I’ll be introducing our guest lecturer for today. Some of you call him @JibolaL. We’ll be calling him Professor Jibs.
Lecture 1: Setting The “P”
Up until a couple of hours before writing this lecture, I thought the full meaning of “Setting P” was Setting Prick/P(cat nickname here). YES, I should be shot! But think twice about shooting me sha, I’m not done with writing my first novel (I’m still on the first line).
I seriously miss the age old times when you could simply beat your chest, heft the female specie on your shoulder and take her back to your cave. The golden age when terms like “Player” “Booty Call” and possibly even “Booty Redial” were still operational words. I doubt that P-setters (hear how that sounds?) these days even make calls anymore. Now, you can get ass by simply being a funny and witty internet gangster.
I see nothing wrong with that, honestly, but surely there should be some class with these things. This is why I give a special shout-out to Professor Panda for originating this series. This is where I come in.
Finding the P
Even though I don’t see any reason why I should spend any length of time on this section, it is important. And as this is a 101 course I’ll have to go over it, albeit briefly. I have come to realize very lately, that the biggest thing about Social Media, is posturing. Posturing will set you more Ps than a Hippopotamus. Ah, see this mokwai! You’re now adjusting in your seat! See what we’re talking about? *smh* Well, you’re why we’re here.
Posturing, is simply how you’re perceived. Does she think you’re a man, a boy, one of her girls or one of them facebook people?
Keep it real.
This has nothing to do with opening a copy of Men are From Jupiter and Women are From Pluto and tweeting from it verbatim (YES, YOU. I am talking to YOU). I find it annoying and incredibly depressing that any one man would think he can get ass by tweeting Relationship Psycho-babble. Suuureee, girls will retweet it alright. But that’s it.
Here’s what’s going through her mind when she sees one of ‘those tweets’
@HotGeh69: You, go girl! RT @TweetBabalawo: The key to a woman’s heart is flowers and chocolate
And then she checks your bio and sees you’re a guy.
@HotGeh69: Co-sign! RT @TweetBabalawo: The key to a woman’s heart is flowers and chocolate.
But you tweet something sincere, like:
@JibolaL: Confession: I have a Supermodel girlfriend.
This one is dicey because you can come off as cocky and might I add taken. You’ll get replies from “LIAR” to “Let’s be clear” to “Twitpic plix”, and possibly even “So you told them about us” (Didi :P). Just check your followers 😉
So now she’s following you. You can send DMs back and forth. Don’t go Facebook on her and do something like this:
@KnacksonDauda – Hey, thx for the ff back. I’m a horny, irresponsible young man living in Lagos and I’m looking to fornicate with you. Are you game?
Do this, and you’re finished.
Now that you have your “mark”, Location is everything.
There is nothing more awkward than having your mom walk in while you’re asking girl X, who her daddy is. OR worse, your guy whose room you’re using, walks in to look for his sneakers under the bed.
So what do you do? Make sure that whoever you live with (If you don’t stay alone) will absolutely not be around. If it’s your guy, buy him a beer and pledge one of your secondary Sarewas to him. If it’s your mom/brother/or any relative, beg/bribe/do whatever it takes to get ‘em outta the house totally.
And NO! You can’t use her place. I don’t care if she says her father does not return till 11pm. Be wise and take this advice from someone who has hidden in a wardrobe because someone’s daddy came home 2 hours early. <insert angry smiley here>
And if you’re using a dinghy motel, PLEASE pay in full BEFORE hand. Those folks are evil! They’ll listen at the door and when you’re one stroke from the edge they’ll come in and jack you for their remaining dough.
Imagine that and be afraid. Very afraid.
Any Other Business?
1. No is No – Yes! I brought this up again! Only yesterday I was called a rape instigator ☹. If after all your preparations and planning, she waits till y’all are kissing that she knows that she has a headache, just “gba kamu” (accept it) and walk away jejely with your purple balls between your legs.
Even if she has told you that she likes her Calaba-sorry, Vietnamese hair being pulled and that she wants you to “slap” her; don’t agree oh! Because you can’t tender BlackBerry chat history as evidence in court!
In fact! I advocate that you make her sign a pre-coital agreement.
Find a copy of the one I use below:
I, *insert name here*, hereby attest to have agreed to participate in an act of wanton copulation and fornication with *insert your own name here*. I have also requested that I be forcefully taken in this process. I relinquish my rights to ask for cab money home or money to replace any hair lost in the process of this copulation session. Let this document be deemed as proof of my consent without duress, coercion or the pressure of mad konji.
YES, you have my express permission to use as you wish. Take it as a gift from “Nnamdi”
2. Stay strappppeeedd! In the days of ignorance, I’d have said double it. But NONSENSE – National Organization of Nigeria Scientists and somming-sommin have decreed that doubling it is looking for trouble. And if you have condom jumping sperm or she has Ovaries that have sperm magnets installed, well, you’re on your own.
And LADIES, please don’t believe that shit about him allergic to condoms and how they make him wilt. It’s BULLSHIT. I’ve tried the allergy trick and it worked every time (God, have mercy on me)
I don’t know why I think of a Halo when the term ‘Gold Circle’ comes to mind, but those things ain’t shit! (There goes my G Circle endorsement).
Invest in quality!
All the time!
The reason is this: you never know who you’re fuxing with. I know for a fact, that some girls will judge you based on your choice of condom brands. You think she can’t tell the difference between a Rough Rider and a Durex? Dey Dere like Hakym o, sogbo?
Oh yeah! Choose wisely! If you’re packed like a China-man, down there (Note that I didn’t use the size WC. No Wande jokes, he’s my guy), don’t bother buying a Trojan Magnum. You won’t be impressing anyone if you ‘show up to the party’ looking like you’re dressed in Ghaddafi’s clothes.
3. Lubricate! You don’t have to be Rocco Sifredi to need ‘grease on your elbows’. Even the Chinese use lubrication. Why do you think there is Chinese Balm? The lube game adds effizy to your circus act, most especially if you’re a “yam pounder”.
4. Performance Enhancers – Burantashi, the infamous Alomo, Shekpe, Opa-Eyin and the like. I honestly don’t believe in them, because I have never tried such (I am too paranoid for such). But I guess it works if there can be so much noise about them. If it floats your raft, then by all means, use away. But God help you if the Sarewa you’re Setting P with, should get caught in Lekki hold-up or has a family emergency she has to turn back for. You’ve heard that ‘self-help’ does not cure those artificial hard-ons right?
And on a final note, Don’t set P with someone you can’t be seen in broad daylight with. You will note I put this in bold. This is because it is Uber-important. Nobody will hear how bad the konji was doing you at the time. Especially when Precious starts claiming that you Kondo-ed her one rainy day in July.
Well, this ends today’s lecture. We hope you learned something. Next class is next week, and we’ll be talking on “Cock Blocking and Other Unforseen Circumstances”.
So, any questions??