Hello everyone. Welcome back to SPS101, the four week course brought to you by The School of Play. On Monday, I believe my co-lecturer, Professor Jibs, taught you all you need to know about setting that initial “P”. Next week is when our next scheduled class on “CockBlocking and Other Unforeseen Circumstances will be coming up, so make sure you’re in class then.
So, why are we here today?
Well, although Professor Jibs has taught you how to set your P, attempting to set it is an altogether different thing from actually succeeding. There are some specific qualities that this school attempts to teach its students, I felt it would be important to highlight these qualities.
So! I’ve called this seminar, and invited the Dean of The School of Play, Professor Tools (@thetoolsman), to explain certain things which you MUST know before you attempt to set that P.
So, if you plan to be a member of The School of Play, and (in the words of Prof. Jibs) set more “P’s” than a hippopotamus, I suggest you pay attention.
Requirements of a Good “P” Setter (By Professor Tools)
Good day people. It’s good to see so many eager potential members. Alright then, let’s get straight to the point here.
So, although I was satisfied with the last lecture, and I’m sure you all learned a lot, I believe that there is a big difference between theories and practical attempts.
Theories are good but please take note of the two most important things you require for setting P.
1. Know a little about a lot.
2. EFFORT. EFFORT. EFFORT.
People say hunting location is key. Well, yes. But more importantly, what you do there is more important. There will be a lot of parties/events this summer. You might want to sit your ass down in front of youtube and watch that Windeck video. Forget what you look like, being able to move on the dance floor will get you noticed faster than Osama in Oshodi market. So you’re as stiff as a week old gala, don’t fret. Remember rule 2? Yes, Effort. Cabo Snoop needs to be able to do the Prakatumba cause if he doesn’t, he’ll starve. Doing the ‘tumba’ is enough for you. Humour will get you far. Imagine your Daddy doing the Fuji Garbage at Rehab – there you go.
Steel writes sad stuff. Sheldon is the story teller. Collins equals porn. Chimamanda is the one, well, probably the only Nigerian author you need to know (well, for P setting purposes).
Shoes & Couture
Louboutins are not Choos. Vera Wang isn’t a place. You know what, do yourself a favor and watch Gossip girl (no one has to know)
I should talk about music and movies but I’ll leave that to you, instead, I’ll talk about something more important in these parts. I hate Nollywood and hate preys, I mean, victims, sorry, P’s who tow that line even more. But sometimes you’re knee deep before it manifests so; Ini Edo is the one who was once bald. Genevieve, well, we all know her and Dominic is the bright one always cast with the thugnificent Iyke. The guys don’t really matter but you might want to learn the names of the Ghanian ones, just because because.
Learning a second language is extreme.. for most, a little sil vous plait here, a’ je taime’ there and you might have a french fling on your hands.
Invest in hobbies
My favorite is music. I play the guitar and the piano albeit the same four or five tunes but which woman won’t feel something when your vintage acoustic croons the chords of Kci & Jojo’s all my life to her. And NO, it’s not a must for you to know how to sing, key word here is still EFFORT.
Cooking does just as much as music … well more nowadays cause we have some hungry ass sisters on our hands but when it comes to kitchen skills, once again, it’s all about the effort. Order a meal as backup and then slave away in the kitchen while she’s in the room watching the newest episode of Vampire Diaries you downloaded specially for her (shoot me)… burn a few things for effect… then serve what you ordered alongside whatever you managed to conjure… listen up for that “Awwhhh…at least you gave it a shot” remark… that’s your cue… And if you’re gifted with pots and pans like myself, HUGE bonus. Fancy cooking will conveniently pass a chic through the ‘P’ needles’ eye. (Quote me)
There’s more… massages are essential bedroom skills. Here again, I’ll tell you, effort is the key word. Depends on how far you’re willing to go, you may want to take actual classes like some of our members but if you just want to “wing it”… Google and YouTube are your friends. Don’t be scared of the internet and don’t front too. Eyes on the prize… eyes on the prize…
Finally, let me talk about the end point of all of this. The P in ‘p’, the koko in kokolette, the U in Utunu (you just shot me again). Don’t get all excited about the act itself… in the words of a wise man, “sex aint nothing but the first fifty pumps – you can count”. I know, I know, you’re Mr. Pumper’s cousin, or you’re Mr Steel’s brother. Sock it. Anticipation kills. If you think less of the end result, you’re more likely to get it.
So, there you have it. Our scouts will be on the lookout for new members this summer, so here’s wishing you luck and hopefully, I’ll see you at a ‘We Play’ meeting soon.
Alright then. I hope you’ve learned something today.