Good morning everyone. Welcome back to SPS101, taught by the School of Play. As always, I’m Professor Panda. Where’s the class governor?? Ehen… @buzzbebe, oya take attendance. You people should settle down jare.
Alright. Last week, Dr. Mrs. Oluwadrake delivered a good lecture on setting P from the ladies’ end. I’m sure y’all learned something.
So, being as we all know how to set P now, it’s time to examine what we do when the P has been set.
Things can always go wrong. And we at the School of Play are here to teach you what to do to ensure nothing goes out of your control (well…erm… okay.)
Anyways, to talk to you about handling unforeseen circumstances, I’ve called upon a very distinguished P setter. One of our great lecturers, Professor MadHaus (@JCphoenixx).
He’s an old man so…he can’t shout too much. Listen up! And take notes!
Handling Unforeseen Circumstances (by Professor MadHaus)
All ‘P’rotocols observed.
Hello humans! Before I begin, I’d like to perform a head count. The world WAS supposed to end last week right? No? everyones here? Shit…bloody mayans. Now im going to have to beg for my job back.
Im Professor MadHaus, I’m going to take your advanced topic in SPS101. I presume everyone here has successfully understood the previous topics? Okay… lets p-roceed.
So the hard part is over. 69% of her followers were trying to get in her pants, male, female and spambot alike. But you were the chosen one. You’ve made the journey from public timeline to her private, direct messaging timeline, and in the near future, you should have yourself tweeting all over her pubic timeline….
You cannot claim to have successfully “Set-p” with an individual until you have actually “set-P” IN the individual (get me?). Therefore, you must guard your P with all diligence.. Write this down, “the goal of p-setting is copulation.” Be it once twice or all summer long.
Theres always a risk of something going wrong at the last minute. A misplaced word, an afterthought, unwanted guests, all designed to pour sand sand in your garri. Like we said, “unforeseen circumstances”. Today we will examine a few of these factors…
Scientific name: “Maale and Popsie”.
Threat level- Dangerous.
You’ve done everything right so far. You’ve said all the right things. You’ve set a date, met up for drinks, pretended to be interested in whatever she/he had to say, now its time to close the deal. You get home, skip past the initial “forming” stage, zoom past the awkward “pretending to watch a movie” phase, and you proceed to jump each other and exchange huge slimy gobs of saliva. Now theres clothes strewn all over the floor, and you’re showing her why your friends call you “the sultan of burantashi”. Suddenly the door opens, and you hear a loud voice go “What is going on here?!?”
There are 3 types of parents.
- The Open minded one: this parent believes that such experiences are just part of the growth of the child, so he will close the door and go to the living room to wait for you two to come out at your own pace. He will ask you questions about your family and school, or work, and if you answer satisfactorily you’re on point.
- The “prayer warrior”: he/she will rain holy ghost fire upon your family, drag you off his daughter by your ear or member, and kabash the demons out of the two of you, before sending you home with the sting of “abara” buzzing on your back.
- The killer: when confronted with one of these, avoid eye contact, and LOSE THAT ERECTION! (its like a red cloth to a bull. Makes them madder) Scan the room for the nearest window or point of exit, and jump out. However, if your goal in life is to die of strangulation, with a woman beside you, then you can chill…(I’ve always wondered… if you take erectile enhancing products like Viagra and stuff, how long after you’re dead would your boner last? But that’s besides the point.)
Nigerian parents generally fall into the latter two categories, so it’s important that you make sure they’re far far away from your activities and… groove on.
Scientific name: “familiarus cockblockerus”
Threat level: Very Dangerous
I mean… What kind of normal human being will be gainfully employed, or happy with life, and agree to tag along with her friend to see a guy you don’t know from Adam? Unless you’re a paid bodyguard, then it makes sense. But even then you have to stay outside…
These demons are just out to make everything awkward and weird. What do you do with them? Do you leave her in your living room while you teach her friend how to dougie? She’s usually ugly and suspect looking, so you don’t even feel safe leaving her alone in any part of your house. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t be allowed in a 12 mile radius of your abode… But then.. things we do for love.. Or lust.
Dealing with a cockblocking demon is easy.
Repeat after me: “Block the cockblocker.”
Every guy should have that one friend that can charm the socks out of anyone. They make fantastic wingmen as they can keep the plus one occupied while you zero in on the subject of your attraction.. Unleash your friend on the demon. Let him keep her occupied, as long as you know you’re going to settle him later (we call it “taking one for the team”). If you’re very lucky, the two could hit it off so well that you have yourself a nice little party going on in your house….. its summer! Groove on!
But Professor MadHaus, cockblockers are not restricted to the babe’s friends o. Sometimes, it may be someone close to you sef. In fact eh, Dr. Skilla (@SheriphSkills) gave a good case study on this last session. Shall I share it with them? Ok.
Cockblocker Case Study (by Dr. Skilla)
So I’ve been tracking this babe for a while, toasted her like bread. As in ehn, if she was actually toast bread, she for don burn. Don’t get me wrong, this babe was a hard nut to crack. Even my nuts went blue from all the times she turned me down. But! After several dates with no action afterwards, I was about to give up till we went to the movies and saw “No Strings Attached” (if you’ve seen that movie, you’ll know there are enough kpoxing scenes in it….I think that did the trick.) I least expected the trick fate played on me when she insisted she followed me home after the movie as she was horny. But just like that, P was set, and the penalty for dulling is death by beheading so…
Fast forward to my house and the room mate is around…*sigh* Richard my room mate was a born again by the way, so I had to device a plan to send him on arodan (journey of no end) … but I was short of ideas, and it was late. Shet. Discharging was gonna be hard. Konji wasn’t smiling at me, and the money I don invest on this babe don dey enter astronomical proportions….o,k maybe I exaggerated but I spend sha. This opportunity just couldn’t fit pass me by sha.
So what to do?
I faked a phone call, saying his “Spiri-Koko” girlfriend wanted to see him for a prayer session at hers, which he obliged sharply as both of them be prayer warriors. My guy left immediately. I locked the door from inside.
The rest day say, is history. The guy knock tire, I just give sound system bele, come form not hearing. It was a memorable gbensh by the way, I wonder why the babe dey hoard her kini sef.
Death to cock blockers.
Alright Prof. MadHaus, as you were saying jare.
Alright, now that Professor Panda has successfully distracted my class *SideEye*, let’s go to the last factor to consider.
Threat level: Potentially Fatal
Its not every chick that flirts and plays with you that is single oh. Never assume. It’ll surprise you the number of chicks in lonely relationships with old men or boyfriends that are just looking for excitement. If for any reason you’re Caught in The act with another man’s woman, well… You had it coming didn’t you?
I’m An old man, I can’t lecture as long as I’d like to anymore. I need to use the toilet, so…
Class Discussion: what other unexpected occurences Could Damage your p-setting, and how do you deal with them?