Something Borrowed, Something New

Hey people, I hope everyone is having a good week so far.
As I’m sure you noticed, I haven’t really done much creative writing myself for a while. I’ve been really busy with my final semester… project and things. Even though I’m finally done with my project (pauses for the congratulations) I still have exams to face. This should begin in another week or so.
SPS101 was a breath of fresh air for me, ‘cos it gave me time to breathe, and still made sure y’all didn’t feel like I forgot you. The response it got was amazing. The comments were…something else. The writers were amazing. Big ups to Professor Jibs (@JibolaL), Professor Tools (@thetoolsman), Dr. Mrs. Oluwadrake (@exschoolnerd), Professor MadHaus (@JCPhoenixx) and Professor Tuns (@motunrayootun) for being great lecturers. I’m really glad I could do this with y’all.
But SPS101 is over now. I may still put up one last post for it…not sure yet sha.
Moving on…
For a while I’ve wanted to introduce y’all to one of my mentors in terms of writing. Now I‘ve finally found a way.
This dude is one of my brothers, and in many ways, the best friend I have. He’s had a tremendous hand in crafting the Panda y’all know right now. He also happens to be a magnificent writer.
So for him, I’m starting a monthly category called “Remy’s Fourth Day”. Over the next few months, I’ll be giving y’all chapters of one of his pet projects called Fourth Day. This project also happens to be very close to my heart ‘cos I was there when he started conceptualizing it and giving it a body, bit by bit.
The prologue will be up on Saturday, the Fourth of June, and subsequent chapters on the fourth day of every month. I know that seems like a long time to wait but well, good things are worth waiting for, no?
Anyways, today I’m introducing him to you guys, with a short story that I really like. So please welcome him. Some call him The Reptile. He’s my best friend. His name is Remy.


The Panda said I should introduce myself. But I have difficulties communicating myself in ‘broad terms’, so I usually offer this advice to people meeting me for the first time…do not bother trying to ‘label’ me…my mind is a labyrinth of ideas that fight for a chance to prove they can make a difference.


The Errant Groom

I hate gossip. It is the labor of idle minds and ignorant observers. I avoid it as best as I can. But there are some stories that are too funny not to believe.

My mother & father were fuming at each other when they returned from an emergency family meeting. Divided opinions precede gossip. They were my parents & that meant I was in the middle of it.
“I agree his approach was wrong. But not his reasons.” my dad started.
“That poor girl saw what I saw at your hands.” my mom.
“Are you saying you hated it when we had…?”
“YES! Emphatically so! Nonsense! You’d think it was hell if it was you!”
I needed clarity on the subject.
“Sorry, but what are we talking about?”
My dad cocked his eyebrow at me as if to warn me from fueling a fire I wouldn’t be able to quench.
Sadly, it was a warning too late. My mother picked up the excuse.
“You want to know? You will know! You are old enough to know! Prevent abuse in your life!!”
Now I was curious.
My dad sat down on the sofa & exhaled heavily.
“Your cousin, Dele, has a problem with his wife.” he started with a calm voice.
My mom gave him no room to maneuver.
“Dele has the problem! His bride Tinuke does not. He ‘is’ the problem!! I will tell the story properly.”
She sat down heavily next to my dad and he cringed. I’ve never really understood how she could make him suddenly feel so small so quickly.
“He got married to a wonderful girl. She’s lovely, obedient, a banker
& a willing home maker, you know? I know he is a good boy, but he became an inconsiderate beast. Marriage does that to men.”
“Are you going to tell the story or force your opinion on our child?”
She turned to him with eyes like fire & he turned away from her to look straight at me.
“She gave herself to him during the honeymoon. He enjoyed himself. But he didn’t understand that discipline is involved. It’s a good point to him that he was a virgin.”
I didn’t like where this was going.
At all.
“So he went for another woman?”, I offered.
I wanted to spare my dad’s peace of mind & my imagination of my mother’s humanizing sex.
“On learning what he did, he should have.”
Now I was very curious.
My intuition had failed me.
“She wakes up at 4 am, gets home at 8 pm, cooks dinner, & goes to bed at 11 pm.
“Then that stupid boy will f… I mean he will have ‘intercourse’ with her.”
She caught herself from swearing. She was irrational. Now I had to take my father’s side.
This was sex. Most married couples do that to cement their relationship.
“Come on, mommy! Surely there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s just showing her that he’s been thinking about her all day.”
My dad shook his head slightly to warn me, again he was too late. My mom finally went full flame.
“For 4 hours? Every night? For 2 months? Is that love or demonic possession?”
I opened my mouth to suggest exaggeration on the bride’s part. This time I caught my dad’s signal. I just exhaled through my mouth to keep up appearances.
“We ‘the women’ were wondering why she looked so worn out this evening. A new bride is supposed to look bright and glowing and happy. I asked her & she burst into tears. She told us everything.”
“And Dele?”
“He confessed! On top of her every night! Period, o! No period, o! Sick or sleepy! He would pound that girl’s vagina like it was life support.”
My dad winced & for me, that was a sign that it was a pretty gruesome mental image coming to his mind. He’s a doctor & he’d wince if something reminded him of a case he had banished from memory so he could have a better life. I chose to speak to re-direct the conversation.
“I guess you explained…”
“We told him to kneel down! I personally knocked his head twice for his selfish stupidity!”
My dad finally couldn’t keep quiet anymore.
“He wasn’t experienced in dealing with such matters. He was a virgin, after all.”
“Just like you, abi?”
My dad tilted his head towards me. It meant the conversation was best done in private.
“No! It is better to teach your children your mistakes before you need to correct them. Your father sympathizes with Dele because he knows how sweet it is to bruise a vagina with friction, long after it stops lubricating itself!”
I winced by reflex. No one wants to know about their parents’ sex life. Most especially me. Especially the bad side of it.
“You are a gift from God, & I would never wish you away. But I have to tell you. Your father was determined to get me pregnant. Later I realized that he just wanted to have an orgasm by any means necessary.
“When I’d be exhausted, he would climb me from the front, turn me on my back, and turn me to my side…”
At this point my father exploded.
“You think it is easy to sleep next to the most attractive woman in your world & not want to have sex?! You think it was punishment for getting married?! You think it happened because I hated you?!”
“So why?”
He sighed and looked at her in a way no adolescent child should see on a father’s face. I should have run, but I didn’t.
“Your face was, and is still, so perfect to me. Feeling your cheek-bones against mine made me want to be with you so much. And you’re the only woman I’ve ever been with. The only one I can be that way with.”
She calmed down and asked,”What else?”
“Your body is so perfect to me. Your hips have always been just as wide as they should be for a fertile woman. The curve of you from any angle.”
I tried to get up, but my curiosity robbed me of strength. I’d never seen them alone before and it seemed this was my only chance to get a glimpse.
“Your legs around me made me feel like I could lay there forever. When you kiss me, it feels like a proper fire in my heart.”
She started to look at him the same way he was looking at her.
“I…always enjoyed the way you kissed my…”
“Breasts. Warm and soft. My tongue always felt at home. The warmth of you around me makes me want more of you.”
“But you always kept going. Even when I had enough.”
“I can never have enough of you. When you lay next to me, when you bend over, when you sit on the table, when you reached for me as I was above you. Face to face or from behind.”
He put a hand on hers and I suddenly saw 2 lovers burning steadily for each other. They weren’t the only thing on fire.
My ears were burning. I’ve seen them fight over money, who gets to drive the nicer car, directions…but this was too much. I got up and ran to my room.
Two things happened after that. My parents made love.
I heard her call his name until she lost her voice. The steady pounding still comes to mind when I have a headache. It ruined every sex scene in any movie for me over the next 6 months.
To my shame, my groins ached that night.
And Dele’s aggrieved bride ran away 2 weeks later.
Being a virgin isn’t a bad deal. Being stupid is.

Posted from WordPress for Android®

About The Capoeira Panda

Panda makes his home in the world of words and metaphors. In the hopes to be more than just a confused blogger, he currently works as the editor for an ecommerce company that was good enough to hire him, and lives with his flat mates & two imaginary dogs who get along just fine. He enjoys reading good books, writing, relaxing with his friends, & poking fun at his mother over the phone. When he's not doing any of these, he sometimes sits back and wonders why anyone expects to learn anything useful about him by reading this bio. View all posts by The Capoeira Panda

44 responses to “Something Borrowed, Something New

  • lekan adio

    WOW!! I’m speechless. Can’t imagine listening to my parents lecture and describe sex for me.

  • marie

    Too much of anything is bad, cldnt he have controlled himself abi did he think she was a machine *mschew* Another reason y I’ll rather have a
    guy with experience. Listening 2 such frm ur parents is jst wrong, we knw dey have sex bt having specific details about it is jst plain disgusting!

  • thetoolsman

    “For 4 hours? Every night? For 2 months? Is that love or demonic possession?” buhahahahahaha.. this was hilarious… totally enjoyed it..

  • runawayhusband

    Fuuny world. If the husband doesn’t do at all we’d hear he’s having an affair or he doesn’t find her attractive. When d guy over do na say he’s possessed. Anywhich way na trouble. Abeg when is kpanshin in d right quantity? *waitingpatientlywithbiroandpaper*

  • MrOmole

    This is brillant*round of applause* *drops mic*

  • lagoshunter

    *Picks mic
    Fornication like death,poverty and taxes is a fact of life irrespective of whether we/our religion accept(s) it.

    Getting married a virgin is old school and stupid.

    That is all

    *Drops mic

  • Oreoluwa

    Wow!!! That is all I can say.

  • ibetapassmyneighbour

    Brb….need to get H20

  • kymiii

    Dis is very nyc…I ll be on d lookout 4 new write-ups 4rm nw on

  • QT

    very brilliant delivery!!!!!! (y)

  • afrosays

    I was freaking out in the office!
    Trying to shrink into myself, seriously!

    Remy has plugged into the USB port of my ImagineSpace. I love when I can’t read and keep a straight face.

    I’d be here again.

  • @deevagal

    L̃̾☺L̃̾ funny stories! Brb

  • olly

    Err I don’t really understand this..what has being a virgin got to do with having sex with ur wife everyday..:s..well unless its forced intercourse den yes d man is an animal but I’d love 2be married to a man who wants to have sex with me everyday (not like he’ll succeed evryday)#shrug

    • mabijo

      @lagoshunter,Is there any religion that is against death,poverty or tax?
      Being a virgin till marriage is a personal decision whether its ‘old school and stupid’ or not!
      Moreso,being a married virgin is not an excuse to pound into your partner “like it was life support”

  • kcollins

    Wow!! Let me catch my breath!!

  • ekwe

    And gross.

  • SlevinCalevra

    Wow, this is good writing man! Reptile twuale to you… Is this a true story though? cos if it is, i envy your parents’relationship. Great stuff!!!
    However though, sex like marriage isn’t meant to be endured but enjoyed. Dele should’ve married a nymphomaniac.

  • ibetapassmyneighbour

    Wow!!!!!! JEEZ!!!!!! 4hrs straight….period or no period!! Damnnnnnn!!!!! Super freaky!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ve actually bumped into my parents having sex…..*u don’t wana kno d position*…..really awkward sight!!!!

    Ewwwwwwww…this post…..*but really I won’t mind dat 4hrs daily, hmmmmm kitchen, bedroom, balcony, backseat of d car, bathtub, stairs, rooftop, everywhere….maybe 6hours a day*

  • jinxchrys

    *staring in breathless wonder* WOW!! Just wow.
    I love the parents…a fabulous story.
    Eh ya for Dele…

  • @FoluShaw


    The two parallels of sex.

    Male and Female.

    Old and young.

    Novices and veterans.

    Clash of desires.

    The parents are in a good position to help the virgin husband out.

    Its proven that the more sex u have the more sex you’ll want.

    Dude should slow the fuck down.

    She aint ur fuck buddy.

    Treat her like you love her.

    Sleep in different rooms if need be.

    Bottomline: Sexual maturity is built experience. The time to garner that experience; whether before or after marriage, is totally up to you.


    P.S: Great writing skill, good story telling.

  • @Qurr

    LOLwow! Hehehehehehehe I norr fit laugh o!!!

    To the topic, I am almost 100% positive that being a virgin or not, has no considerable impact on eventual marital sex drive. It’s just a myth as far as I think/know.

    In related matters, being a virgin or not is…considerably trivial to everyone else except the person, their spouse (and, say, their God). This is why I will never understand all the continuous war between virgins and non-virgins; virgins thinking they are better off (or holier) for it, and non-virgins acting like they were not once virgins either. Wake up and smell the horse-breath, life is not hinged on sex, and so neither can relevance be hinged on virginity or non-virginity [Yes, I’m talking to lagoshunter :p who called virginity old-fashioned]. Live and let live, my 2 cents.

    Meanwhile, as much as having sex with your wife everyday can be bliss if she consents :p however it is plain stupid to keep at it when you know she’s not happy. Oh well, what do I know of these things? *polishes halo*

    But Reptile chop knuckle abeg!!! You’re too much! I look forward to more…

  • Orikanfilameji

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!! My parents must to not do this in front of me…..dayum! Mr. Remy, I’m personally sorry u had to go thru that. But the spotlight was not on you anymore. You could have left after your popsie gave your mumsie ‘the look’. Oh,well…. Lesson learnt.

  • remi olutimayin

    From what I gathered, it is based on a true story.

  • musingsofagidimallam

    First off…God bless u Panda for sharin Remy’s brilliance wit us…beautiful piece of writing.
    Now on to d matter at hand…darris jus gross mehn…as in ewwwww to d highest power…how can my parents be yarnin bout their sex life in detail to me…omo I go move mehn…straight.
    About d guy n d babe…I think he overdid it…virgin or not…wife or not…she aint a machine or a toy…she’s a human being as well, wit her own cravings n desires…
    N finally…@LagosHunter…dat u don’t believe in certain virtues doesn’t mean u should insult them or imply an insult at d people who still honour them…*picks up his glass of shilled Zobo Endorphins*

  • griffinthinks

    I don’t care who’s first or last after last, I just have to say this is probably the best & most hilariouis post I’ve seen in a very long time. Probably since the time of ‘Fine boy agbero’ (with all due respect to my fellow bloggers) I can’t stop laughing.

  • AOT2

    Err…it was kinda awkward when his parents started all that mushy mushy in front of him. As for the virgin dude, he is the reason why I believe a guy should be sexually experienced before he says ‘I do’.

  • The Capoeira Panda

    Really glad y’all like Remy’s work. He’s supposed to be responding to your comments. Remy where are you o!?
    Anyways, like I said, Saturday, we’ll start Fourth Day. It’s a completely different genre though, so well…sha just wait and see.

  • Dea

    This is a vry brilliant piece…bt I still dnt get hw bin a virgin makes d guy bcom a sex maniac

    • The Capoeira Panda

      Loool. His virginity wasn’t what made him a sex maniac. His lack of experience and stupidity is what stopped him from handling things with sense. And he had no experience cos he was a virgin. You grab?

  • cecenostockings

    Now that I can finally comment,

    I wouldn’t mind getting married to a guy that wants to have sex with me all the time. The period thing was a bit too extreme though. *shudder* And I absolutely can NOT marry a virgin. I don’t have anything against them oh, but I like good sex.

    I’m steering clear of this whole virgins vs non-virgins issue. To each his own.

    As for the parents, EWWWWW!!!!! As in, I can’t even imagine my mum doing it! (See I can’t even say what ‘it’ is) I know she does, but….ewwwwww. Thank God this is just a story, so I can just go “awwww” and move on (confession: I couldn’t read all their mushy stuff *shudder)

    Lovely story sha. Waiting for more 😀

  • missforbes

    Ewwwwwwwwwwww I have never Imagined my parents having sex I don’t even want 2 imagine it. I wouldn’t mind having sex 4hours a day buh I guess d guy in d picture shud do more of *makinglove* and not *pounding* cos dey are 2 different tins entirely. Nyc Debut Remi keep d fire Burnin.

  • gchild01

    wonderful piece, I’m rather so impressed @ the way the father turned À nasty discussion & troubling discussion around & managed the wife. That to me was the highpoint, i’ve seen À lot of men loose it during arguments with their wife but this was handled with prowess & gentleness,& finnaly, he still got her @ the end of the day. By the way ,Remy, Ʊ Я such À dirty boy, sitting down & listening to all the sordid details of how your parents kpanshed *eeewww*, as for the 4Hr/7 days-À-week-Virgin-husband,that’s just cruel,Animalistic & wicked,for him to have managed to retain his virginity with the copious amount of women scatter around,you must know he’s À sick dude.Bottom line: Male Virgins shudnt be fucked with,literally & figuratively.

  • terdoh

    Hmmm. Panda, thanks for borrowing this post. It’s lovely. And Remy obviously has high descriptive power.

    But if my parents should describe their sex life to me, I’ll be the past tense of Mufasa’s senior brother for life. #LionKing.

    And I’m a virgin…what am I to do?

  • freshprinz

    Great story Remy, I disagree on the whole virgins-are-horny-rabbits issue o. I think thats just the way someof us are created. The only time it becomes a problem is when the other person’s sex drive doesn’t match his/her partner’s. I think it’s something both parties can work out tho, unless one of them has some aversion to sex or some awful preconceived notion. I have actually met a few virgins (ladies) who said of sorts of rubbish about sex when they were single but some of them are singing a different tale today. One of them still holds on to the ‘sex-is-a-dirty-act-that-shud-be-endured-not-enjoyed’ bullshit, she keeps complaining to my cousin that she loves her husband but doesnt understand why he loves sex so much and she always tries to ‘cure’ his addiction. Can u imagine such rubbish?
    On to the parents issue, that sort of vivid description can ruin a child’s sex life. I know they have an active sex life (i’ve got four brothers and the youngest one is less than a year old, ‘pension baby’) but i appreciate the fact that they’re discrete about it. I’ve never been unfortunate enough to catch dem in the act….

  • Sisi Ijebu

    Loooord!!! Having to listen to your parents talk about s.e.x. is bad enough but with each other? x_x. Very entertaining story though. Lol.

  • Sisi Ijebu

    @FreshPrinz pension baby? Lol. I’ve never heard that one before.

  • bigsheg

    Lovely read, as terdoh said high descriptive power, didn’t grow up with both parents, so if something like that happened, I wouldn’t have even asked when they said ‘sex’ my response would have been *earphones to ears and out the door*

  • Son1aO

    lol, I enjoyed this sooo very much, and I like how it ended with them making love… awww, the dad has lyrics o. choi 😀

  • sundayschild

    Damn, good description. Twas as if I could see everything through Dele’s eyes. Cringed through the whole sex bit with the parents. Really don’t want to think of my parents doing that. Real good debut Remy, hope to see more from you.

  • La Reine (whoiamisme)

    This captures so many emotions and paints them in bold, bright colors. Nice one.

  • finessediva

    Very BEAUTIFUL ‘piece’
    EROTIC #rolling eyes#,but beautiful.

  • Immortal TeddyBear

    i love the way his father handled d situation and got sme mad nookie dat nite. Mackdaddy tins 😀

    Image of dem actually doing it howeva………*shudders*

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