Something Borrowed, Something New

Hey people, I hope everyone is having a good week so far.
As I’m sure you noticed, I haven’t really done much creative writing myself for a while. I’ve been really busy with my final semester… project and things. Even though I’m finally done with my project (pauses for the congratulations) I still have exams to face. This should begin in another week or so.
SPS101 was a breath of fresh air for me, ‘cos it gave me time to breathe, and still made sure y’all didn’t feel like I forgot you. The response it got was amazing. The comments were…something else. The writers were amazing. Big ups to Professor Jibs (@JibolaL), Professor Tools (@thetoolsman), Dr. Mrs. Oluwadrake (@exschoolnerd), Professor MadHaus (@JCPhoenixx) and Professor Tuns (@motunrayootun) for being great lecturers. I’m really glad I could do this with y’all.
But SPS101 is over now. I may still put up one last post for it…not sure yet sha.
Moving on…
For a while I’ve wanted to introduce y’all to one of my mentors in terms of writing. Now I‘ve finally found a way.
This dude is one of my brothers, and in many ways, the best friend I have. He’s had a tremendous hand in crafting the Panda y’all know right now. He also happens to be a magnificent writer.
So for him, I’m starting a monthly category called “Remy’s Fourth Day”. Over the next few months, I’ll be giving y’all chapters of one of his pet projects called Fourth Day. This project also happens to be very close to my heart ‘cos I was there when he started conceptualizing it and giving it a body, bit by bit.
The prologue will be up on Saturday, the Fourth of June, and subsequent chapters on the fourth day of every month. I know that seems like a long time to wait but well, good things are worth waiting for, no?
Anyways, today I’m introducing him to you guys, with a short story that I really like. So please welcome him. Some call him The Reptile. He’s my best friend. His name is Remy.

REMY

The Panda said I should introduce myself. But I have difficulties communicating myself in ‘broad terms’, so I usually offer this advice to people meeting me for the first time…do not bother trying to ‘label’ me…my mind is a labyrinth of ideas that fight for a chance to prove they can make a difference.

Enjoy

The Errant Groom

I hate gossip. It is the labor of idle minds and ignorant observers. I avoid it as best as I can. But there are some stories that are too funny not to believe.

My mother & father were fuming at each other when they returned from an emergency family meeting. Divided opinions precede gossip. They were my parents & that meant I was in the middle of it.
“I agree his approach was wrong. But not his reasons.” my dad started.
“That poor girl saw what I saw at your hands.” my mom.
“Are you saying you hated it when we had…?”
“YES! Emphatically so! Nonsense! You’d think it was hell if it was you!”
I needed clarity on the subject.
“Sorry, but what are we talking about?”
My dad cocked his eyebrow at me as if to warn me from fueling a fire I wouldn’t be able to quench.
Sadly, it was a warning too late. My mother picked up the excuse.
“You want to know? You will know! You are old enough to know! Prevent abuse in your life!!”
Now I was curious.
My dad sat down on the sofa & exhaled heavily.
“Your cousin, Dele, has a problem with his wife.” he started with a calm voice.
My mom gave him no room to maneuver.
“Dele has the problem! His bride Tinuke does not. He ‘is’ the problem!! I will tell the story properly.”
She sat down heavily next to my dad and he cringed. I’ve never really understood how she could make him suddenly feel so small so quickly.
“He got married to a wonderful girl. She’s lovely, obedient, a banker
& a willing home maker, you know? I know he is a good boy, but he became an inconsiderate beast. Marriage does that to men.”
“Are you going to tell the story or force your opinion on our child?”
She turned to him with eyes like fire & he turned away from her to look straight at me.
“She gave herself to him during the honeymoon. He enjoyed himself. But he didn’t understand that discipline is involved. It’s a good point to him that he was a virgin.”
I didn’t like where this was going.
At all.
“So he went for another woman?”, I offered.
I wanted to spare my dad’s peace of mind & my imagination of my mother’s humanizing sex.
“On learning what he did, he should have.”
Now I was very curious.
My intuition had failed me.
“She wakes up at 4 am, gets home at 8 pm, cooks dinner, & goes to bed at 11 pm.
“Then that stupid boy will f… I mean he will have ‘intercourse’ with her.”
She caught herself from swearing. She was irrational. Now I had to take my father’s side.
This was sex. Most married couples do that to cement their relationship.
“Come on, mommy! Surely there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s just showing her that he’s been thinking about her all day.”
My dad shook his head slightly to warn me, again he was too late. My mom finally went full flame.
“For 4 hours? Every night? For 2 months? Is that love or demonic possession?”
I opened my mouth to suggest exaggeration on the bride’s part. This time I caught my dad’s signal. I just exhaled through my mouth to keep up appearances.
“We ‘the women’ were wondering why she looked so worn out this evening. A new bride is supposed to look bright and glowing and happy. I asked her & she burst into tears. She told us everything.”
“And Dele?”
“He confessed! On top of her every night! Period, o! No period, o! Sick or sleepy! He would pound that girl’s vagina like it was life support.”
My dad winced & for me, that was a sign that it was a pretty gruesome mental image coming to his mind. He’s a doctor & he’d wince if something reminded him of a case he had banished from memory so he could have a better life. I chose to speak to re-direct the conversation.
“I guess you explained…”
“We told him to kneel down! I personally knocked his head twice for his selfish stupidity!”
My dad finally couldn’t keep quiet anymore.
“He wasn’t experienced in dealing with such matters. He was a virgin, after all.”
“Just like you, abi?”
My dad tilted his head towards me. It meant the conversation was best done in private.
“No! It is better to teach your children your mistakes before you need to correct them. Your father sympathizes with Dele because he knows how sweet it is to bruise a vagina with friction, long after it stops lubricating itself!”
I winced by reflex. No one wants to know about their parents’ sex life. Most especially me. Especially the bad side of it.
“You are a gift from God, & I would never wish you away. But I have to tell you. Your father was determined to get me pregnant. Later I realized that he just wanted to have an orgasm by any means necessary.
“When I’d be exhausted, he would climb me from the front, turn me on my back, and turn me to my side…”
At this point my father exploded.
“You think it is easy to sleep next to the most attractive woman in your world & not want to have sex?! You think it was punishment for getting married?! You think it happened because I hated you?!”
“So why?”
He sighed and looked at her in a way no adolescent child should see on a father’s face. I should have run, but I didn’t.
“Your face was, and is still, so perfect to me. Feeling your cheek-bones against mine made me want to be with you so much. And you’re the only woman I’ve ever been with. The only one I can be that way with.”
She calmed down and asked,”What else?”
“Your body is so perfect to me. Your hips have always been just as wide as they should be for a fertile woman. The curve of you from any angle.”
I tried to get up, but my curiosity robbed me of strength. I’d never seen them alone before and it seemed this was my only chance to get a glimpse.
“Your legs around me made me feel like I could lay there forever. When you kiss me, it feels like a proper fire in my heart.”
She started to look at him the same way he was looking at her.
“I…always enjoyed the way you kissed my…”
“Breasts. Warm and soft. My tongue always felt at home. The warmth of you around me makes me want more of you.”
“But you always kept going. Even when I had enough.”
“I can never have enough of you. When you lay next to me, when you bend over, when you sit on the table, when you reached for me as I was above you. Face to face or from behind.”
He put a hand on hers and I suddenly saw 2 lovers burning steadily for each other. They weren’t the only thing on fire.
My ears were burning. I’ve seen them fight over money, who gets to drive the nicer car, directions…but this was too much. I got up and ran to my room.
Two things happened after that. My parents made love.
Loudly.
I heard her call his name until she lost her voice. The steady pounding still comes to mind when I have a headache. It ruined every sex scene in any movie for me over the next 6 months.
To my shame, my groins ached that night.
And Dele’s aggrieved bride ran away 2 weeks later.
Being a virgin isn’t a bad deal. Being stupid is.

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