Time passes leaving me still as bleak as the beginning because the end is not yet in sight.
. I cannot see past the face. That smile, those lips. Those lips that formed those words that made my night sky explode into a cascade of brightness, and then blew out and extinguished my sun. Like driving on a clear night and suddenly getting blinded by sharp lights. The glare remains in my eye, filling them with tears that will not be shed. I wish I could see past it, I wish I could dim this glare and stare into the face of this pain. But what lies behind it? What waits at the end? The light at the end of the tunnel is non-existent. The only light I remember belonged to the train that ran into my heart, leaving me sitting on the floor of the tracks. I cannot stand, for I have no direction to walk in. What way is forward? Where do I find it? I do not remember. I am devoid of… I am empty.
I’ve poured it all out; the pain, the tears, the anger, only to be filled with more sorrow. It seems the source is endless. Memories, music, reminders… and I’m back to the beginning, full of regret for my lack of sight. But what could have prepared me? What signs did I fail to heed? Where did I err? Nothing and in no way comes the final response from my mind, as it struggles to keep up and process these questions. As it struggles to balance and not break as I seem to have broken. I have broken and all feeling has been drained from me. Nothing brings back the feeling, nothing fills me up. People, music, alcohol, nicotine… nothing. So I do not bother. I’m tired of trying to provide some feel. I… am numb.
I feel nothing. At least I would like not to. The pain of a heart shattered in a million pieces and littered all over the floor of my broken down soul keeps me painfully aware. But slowly I lose feeling. I do not want to feel anymore; for nothing, for no one. Not for a time to come.
Time does not seem to heal. Or maybe it is too soon. I do not envision a time where time would have been enough.
This post may make no sense. I’m going to be writing random posts; I don’t know what they’ll be about, or anything. I just need to write. So if you have an issue, I’d suggest you stop reading my blog. Just fair warning.