So I’ve been… unable to write for a few weeks. Been through some stuff, still working my way through it, but I decided that no matter what, nothing will take my writing. No matter how bad. So I’m working on it. I decided to start with something I said I would write 3 months ago, but never got around to it. It’s a response to a post by the ever lovely CeceNoStockings. I read it, and something about it just made me want to put myself in the guy’s shoes. Obviously, you don’t know what I’m talking about. The post was called Say Hello To Goodbye. Here’s my response.
I knew it couldn’t be the same. Even when I hugged her like she was the most important thing I had on earth.
I’d ruined it. I wish… I just knew I had ruined it all.
I guess I didn’t think it through. I should have tried harder.
I mean, I know she tried her best.
The love, the patience, the devotion… it was her best.
Her best should have been enough.
It was, for a time.
But then, I was swept away in the torrent of emotions that she brought into my heart.
I tried to fight it. I tried to hold on to that precious globe she had placed in my hands.
I knew all the reasons why I shouldn’t let go.
But I was… caught up.
I couldn’t hold on. I wasn’t strong enough.
I broke it. A million pieces of her heart, littered at my feet. I couldn’t pick up the pieces.
I look at my phone in my hand.
This little object that had been my tool of devastation
“… There’s someone else.”
Those words lie buried in my sent messages.
A part of me wishes I could undo it. Take back this damage, turn back time so I wouldn’t have to see those tears.
You shouldn’t be here. She knew it. I knew it.
But I called, and she came. Because… she still loved me. And I still lusted for her. And… no. She still lusted for me.
Ninety minutes after, I sit at my desk… her hands shake as she puts her clothes back on.
And down her eyes they fall.
They tell a story of what I’ve put her through.
Her knight in shining armor, and I turned out to be the evil dragon that burnt away her hope.
Those tears speak of pain. Each drop hits the floor with an accusing thud. Deafening my senses and placing weights of guilt that my soul cannot take.
I love you!
I turn my back and pretend to work; before those sentences can be let loose by my tongue.
I know this is what she wants to hear, but one of them would only be humiliating, the other would be untrue.
Never was I one to make empty promises, or give false hopes. I never promised I wouldn’t hurt her, and it pains me to see that I didn’t try hard enough not to.
So now, I place the choice before her.
This is what I am.
Love me, or leave me.
But know that we are not alone.
Her. Me. Her.
She gets dressed, she takes a step towards me and then stops. I’m racked with hope, maybe it could be.
But I’m racked with despair, for I am a weakling in the end.
I don’t even look up as the door shuts, and her footsteps down the hall sound out hollow in my empty soul.
I pick up my tool of devastation again.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more”.