Four Seasons (Part One)

I’ve been running away from writing. It’s kind of hard because my soul is always packed into my words and it’s impossible to lie to myself that I don’t feel certain things once I’ve written it down. So I’ve been avoiding writing. Distracting myself. But in the last few days, different people have tried to convince me to stop bottling up. But the biggest of all motivators, is this true life story in the form of a piece that one of my readers sent me. I have been, and I’m going through shit, and here comes someone who has been through shit as well, but is trying to let it out.

Needless to say, her story is really painful. More painful cos, some part I can relate to all so vividly. She doesn’t want anyone to know who she is so… I’ll respect her wishes.

It’s a bit long so, I’m gonna break it into four parts. I may put them all up today, or one per day. I don’t know.

Four Seasons (Part One)

I’ve been in isolation for some weeks now because I was going through what I’d like to call …. The Fourth Season in my “Season of Breaks”.  You’d think that after going through each season, it would get easier but the bad news is, it doesn’t. But right now? I’m more confused than I ever was, cos a lot of questions arise in my mind. Like; what did I do wrong? Is there a problem with me? Could there be something I could have said or done to change things? Do I need deliverance?  Would I ever find the kind of love and man I’m looking for? bla bla bla…
I took some time out to; do some soul searching, praying and to heal – I get over things faster in isolation. I’m not so sure how or what I feel right now but, at least…. I’m alive, so there’s hope.

In two years, I’ve been through four horrendous breakups and that’s more than any one girl should take. But the good news is; I’ve survived. I always left cos I was afraid to fight (too many reasons) and I’m not sure if I would if it all happened again.

My first season was on July 17th 2010 (Yes! I keep dates). It felt like a part of me had died, like I just suddenly woke up from a decade of dreaming and I wasn’t sure the world around me was real. I felt lost, even when I saw people talking and laughing, I couldn’t hear them, everything was still and when I tried to pray, the words … they seemed stifled, wrong, un-coordinated. I kept telling myself…”you did the right thing, after 4 years of loving someone who treated you like dirt, without regard, you finally got the balls to walk. You should give yourself a pat on the back”…. but trust me, it didn’t make the pain any easier.  I was upset at myself, angry at him, my late mum [God bless her soul] wasn’t in the least exempted from the mind bashing, I felt she should have been here to guide me through this, to counsel me. I felt that if she hadn’t left me, I wouldn’t have had to go through this in the first place. The only thing he didn’t do to me was assault me physically but every other form of assault was in the mix. Why I stayed that long, I honestly can’t explain. I was in love, and stupidly so. It hurt to leave cos I’d invested four years of my life, four years of my love, four years of my time….all dedicated to loving a man who hardly even noticed.

And so the first season went…

Well, I’m gonna write. It may be painful, but I’ll do it. My blog may become a dark, emotional place. I don’t know. Someone was complaining that my blog isn’t fun anymore. Well, feel free to unfollow/un-bookmark. I won’t be pissed. This is my world so…

I’ll be back with some more.

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About The Capoeira Panda

Panda makes his home in the world of words and metaphors. In the hopes to be more than just a confused blogger, he currently works as the editor for an ecommerce company that was good enough to hire him, and lives with his flat mates & two imaginary dogs who get along just fine. He enjoys reading good books, writing, relaxing with his friends, & poking fun at his mother over the phone. When he's not doing any of these, he sometimes sits back and wonders why anyone expects to learn anything useful about him by reading this bio. View all posts by The Capoeira Panda

2 responses to “Four Seasons (Part One)

  • Nerdy

    hmmm. Plain, naked honesty always gets me. ALWAYS

  • @dtwistednerd

    i want the remaining three…NOW!!i think i have always been in dark,emotional places and i’m in one presently.i don’t even struggle to leave these dark places any longer cos i’ve gotten so used to them.i just stay put.it has become who i am and i’m fine with it.

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