So, here’s the final bit of Four Seasons. I really hope it signifies freedom for me to write… I don’t even know… well… read sha.
Season 4; September 2011. After the third season’s drama, I had to be alone for a while, I was too paranoid to be with anyone and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And so I forged my resolution at the end of 2010 going into 2011, I resolved to be single and celibate the whole year and for as long as it took me to purge myself of all the negative emotions which had created a niche in my heart. I knew that, there was still some good out there but if I had to receive it, not in this paranoia, sadness enveloped body (you always attract your kind). I stayed true to my vow, well, not like I was interested really. Guys came, tried and all but it was a lost cause.
July, I met someone I hardly really knew at the movies, he was more like a familiar stranger. Anyways, we each got a ticket to see the same movie and naturally, we sat on the same row side by side. The movie started and we made comments as usual but after a while, I realized that his statements were suggestive. At first, it seemed to me like it was a joke, so I didn’t take any of it seriously but as he went on, I realized that this man was ‘toasting’ me in the most unusual way and it was silly but funny. When I got back home, we talked a while on the phone… he was aight. He looked responsible, principled… like he had his shit together.
And I was gone eight months already.
A part of me said, it was time to let go, that sometimes we need people to help us heal. I decided to give it a try but I prayed to God that this time, there wouldn’t be any drama. He was kind, he was nice, he was a Christian, and I was comfortable in my own skin when I was with him. He respected me and was concerned about what went on in my head. He was a man of few words and I really liked him. Everything seemed like it was falling into place.
And then a text comes in and it’s from him.
He said we needed to talk. At that point, I was so scared from wondering what it might be about. Eventually he tells me that on one of his trips, he errrm… had unprotected sex with a girl who was more like his buddy. He said it was a stupid mistake he made but hadn’t seen it coming back to haunt him… but now, she was pregnant I already prepared my mind for the worst, so I was calm but I didn’t know what to say. I knew I had no right to judge him cos in the first instant, this happened way before we got together, and secondly, no one is beyond mistakes. If I wanted this man, I had to take him just as he is, flaws and all cos I’d expect him or anyone to do the same as concerns me. After a few minutes of processing this info, he asked me if I was pissed with him and I gave him an honest answer, that I wasn’t pissed at him, just the situation and he asked if I could handle it and I thought to myself, maybe this is my cue to walk but.. How long would I keep running from the things I wanted and how best would I prove to this man that I wanted to be with him if I left him now, so I made up my mind to stay. When we talked about it, and I asked if he was going to marry her, his response made me heave a sigh of relief and further cleared every doubt… I knew everything was going to be ok, that we were going to get through this, together.
Days passed and on one Saturday evening I got another text saying he had decided on what to do about the situation and the next day, he simply tells me “I have decided to marry this girl”.
At that point everything pretty much stopped for a second and a sudden depression took over me, it was almost like a rush of sadness and the all too familiar nauseous feeling started. Once again, the rug was pulled out from under my feet, I was defenseless. I took a looooooooong deep breath, cos believe me, I needed it badly…… my lungs were constricting almost as if I was being choked and my heart was being squeezed by Godzilla, A cold chill went down my spine, I started shivering on the inside and everything in me was moving anti-clockwise. My first response was: “What!……….. You what!?. I remember holding my pillow tight like it was going to pacify me and I sobbed into my pillow so no one would hear me – I’m one of those ladies who believe in never crying over a guy, if he goes and you were good to him, then it’s his loss, but I was crying for me. “WHY ME?!” was all I could groan. I wanted this man to stay with me but I couldn’t ask him too. If he loved me and believed in us, he’d stay. But that was a decision he had to make on his own. A part of me said that maybe he liked this girl too, so this was a short cut to being with her cos I don’t believe someone like him would want to spend the rest of his life with someone out of guilt or compulsion……… that’s the ultimate death sentence. Then again, he keeps making statements like; it was a stupid mistake, I messed up and I feel like screaming into his soul… ”Then why do you want to make a stupider one? Why can’t you just deal with this one?”… But hey, it’s his life, his choice, his future… And I can’t decide for him. He said he his decision wasn’t really set on concrete though, that he had to see the girl, analyze the situation and if crawling back to me to beg was the right thing to do, he’d do whatever it took. It was sweet and consoling but I told him not to come back, that I didn’t want him anymore. Maybe it was my pride speaking, maybe it was fear of the unknown or maybe it was probably easier to tell myself that he was gone… I’m not sure.
If he comes back, I don’t know what I’d do. I’ve literally shut down to that world; it’s a freaky way I sort these things out but it helps me keep my sanity. If I can take it out of my head for a while, then my body can adjust to the present, so when I eventually unblock that phase of my life, it’ll feel like it was years ago, a distant memory just like every other. I wish him well, whatever he decides to do.
The scar will be there just like the rest but the pain, well… it gets easier by the second each time I pray, I feel a warmth in my soul, a peace within me, I literally feel a light illuminated in my body and even though I feel lost sometimes, deep down, I have a witness, I feel a witness that everything will be alright in the end, that all things will work together for my good.
Right now… I wish I could believe that…