They run through my mind like white mice on a wheel. Round and round, faster and faster. So I can’t catch them. I can’t get a hold of them even when I want to. When I make an active attempt to hold on to them, they disappear. Then I feel like the man described in the bible, who looks at himself in the mirror, then turns away and immediately forgets what he looks like. I think about the most random, supposedly prolific things. And then when I turn my mind away for a second to something else, these thoughts disappear.
What exactly am I meant to be thinking about anyways? I wasn’t taught how to think. I realize that I was conditioned on what to think about from when I could actually string three coherent thoughts together. But not to think for myself. So in this way, I’m but an amateur. Trying to figure out the things that are right to think about. Trying to think my way through the maze of choices and decisions that may very well shape my life. Trying not to think about things that would keep me down.
Some days, I wish I didn’t have to even think at all. Just, clear my mind of all things. Screw the outcome. Roll the dice and watch how it all falls out. Call out to the gods of luck and throw a dispassionate turn of events which eventually will end whichever way it will.
Leaving life up to chance would lighten my load.
My mind feels sometimes like a ship set to sea with no specific location. I see everything I want to but I don’t go in the way I need to. Floating free and going about on the winds of thoughts.
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