What Real Men Do

Hey people.

Been a while, eh? Yes yes yes…

Anyways, I’m taking a few minutes off work to ask y’all something that’s confused me for quite a while. But before I get there, lemme give y’all the background story.

Please, put your winter jackets away, this isn’t going to be a Chilly Monday Morning Tale.

So, most people that know me know I don’t watch soccer. For me, it’s a pretty drawn out and boring game, and I don’t see the point in watching 22 men brimming with testosterone chasing themselves all over the field like that rapist Pepé Le Pew (yes, I think that little bastard is a rapist) chasing Penelope Pussycat around the field (I know, this is a crappy comparison, but bear with me).

Now, over the years, I’ve met a lot of people that go into shock when they hear I don’t watch soccer. Some of them take it so personal that it worries me. And then some of them take the high road and ask stupid questions like “What kind of man doesn’t like soccer?” & say shit like “So what do you watch on TV, Fashion Week?”

This post is about people like them.

Some more background stuff.

This morning, an unattended septic tank whom I have the displeasure of calling my colleague (from here on referred to as “B”, called me and someone else (here on referred to as “N”) out in our department, because, (and I shit you not) our discussions are usually things he can’t relate to, and because they’re not “masculine”.

I’m a bit confused here.

B complained that N and I are always talking about things he can’t relate with. N & I talk about music, literature, movies, series, websites, blogs… etc. But according to B, our discussions aren’t masculine enough.

So I ask him, “What exactly do you consider masculine then?”

B: “I don’t know… I mean, the stuff you guys are always talking about doesn’t even fall in the top three masculine topics available. How come you guys don’t talk about sports… or women…?”

And so I ask, “Who creates the rules for what masculinity should be?”

Should real men be like this guy?


And that’s what I want to know.

Who defines what a man should or should not do? Who decides these things? I mean, as far as I’m concerned, the only thing I think should define a real man is whether he’s a boob man or an ass man (real men love boobies. Don’t argue, just accept it). But saying I’m not a man cos I don’t watch soccer or cos I don’t talk about women all day long? Eez ga o.

I don’t watch soccer; I think it’s a rather boring game. I read books as much as I can. I watch movies and things. I listen to music a lot. When I do watch sports, I watch basketball, tennis when I get the chance, MMA and UFC, boxing, etc. I don’t see the point in sitting down and talking about some babe’s behind or how I got or am trying to get into some other babe’s panties. But as far as men go, I think I’m pretty masculine. I mean, I wake up with a morning wood just like every other guy (TMI? Yes? No?)

Shouldn’t we decide what defines us? I may be taking this a little P, I’m not sure. So lemme stop rambling. If you haven’t gotten bored yet, help me out in the comment section belooooow…

When was there a consortium of men from across the Atlantic, and when did they draft out the rules and guidelines as to what is considered masculine in terms of behavior, discussions, likes and dislikes, etc.? What are these rules, & why didn’t I get the fucking memo?

About The Capoeira Panda

Panda makes his home in the world of words and metaphors. In the hopes to be more than just a confused blogger, he currently works as the editor for an ecommerce company that was good enough to hire him, and lives with his flat mates & two imaginary dogs who get along just fine. He enjoys reading good books, writing, relaxing with his friends, & poking fun at his mother over the phone. When he's not doing any of these, he sometimes sits back and wonders why anyone expects to learn anything useful about him by reading this bio. View all posts by The Capoeira Panda

37 responses to “What Real Men Do

  • friendzone champ

    Bro, I swear I can relate…I watch football sha o. I was called “effeminate” ‘cos I wore a pink shirt to a friend’s house. LooL

  • whoistunde

    Mr. Le Pew is not a rapist…DPMO

  • Sirkastiq


    But um..Panda, the problem here is um..you know you’ve got boobies and ass too so um..yeah..I’ll be back.

  • mzloulette

    LOL na wa o! Na human being come become ‘unattended septic tank’? Omo olomo? Okay o!
    I don’t think there are any rules jare. As long as a man isn’t effeminate (swirly hand gestures, clapping while gisting, eye-rolling/lash-fluttering, secretly-wearing-make up), a man’s a man. IMO the only legitimate use of the question ‘what kind of man are you?’ is when one wants to know if he is a top or bottom…and I’m fairly certain you don’t swing that way.
    Or do you? Lol..

  • Youngj

    Awesome Post ….iTs like u scripted my tot processes …i can’t count the numba of times ppl have called me Gay cos i don’t and won’t follow the “Norms” set for the male folk. Lemme stop here ..if not i will turn Dis comment section in2 anoda post …very passionate topic for me

  • lonelygirl234

    Personally, I watch soccer for The hot Men, Nothing Boring there…lol!
    But get where Panda is coming from. Pple take the game WAAAAAAY to seriously … when the players are paid their 7-9 figure salaries in EUROS, Do they get a pecentage?…
    As for it for the masculinity part…Oh pulease! *rme*

  • The Genesis Chronicles

    Wonderful Post. I agree with almost Every except

    (1) Real Niggas Pick Ass over Boobs anyday, Anytime (⌣_⌣)

    (2) Pepe is not a Rapist (˘̯˘ )

  • remi olutimayin

    This guy really got under your skin. In the old days, we would take him outside and have it out mano-e-mano until he cries like the ‘insecure bitch’ he really is.
    Truth is he has a limited number of labels for the world, and you kind of forced him to question them. Rather than develop new labels or drop them completely, he’s trying to force you into one of them. Your very existence and your way of life has traumatised him…deeply. (He’s shallow already…work with me, people)
    Don’t worry. There is no memo…only idiots who need to believe there was one so they can sleep easier at night.

  • donsege


    1) He had his bath this mornin, wore washed n ironed chothes, its not 12 yet & u refer 2 him as an UNATTENDED SEPTIC TANK … evil

    2) i talk about all ur likes (except literature; i hate novels)… & soccer. . . .dats ryt, im super masculine 😀

  • 0latoxic

    *singing* Sooooolidarity foreeeeeever….

    Men who say men who don’t watch football/soccer are not real men are not real men. Period.

  • griffinthinks

    Na wah! On top football?
    I would never question a man’s masculinity cause he doesn’t watch football. People have their preferences and a dislike for football isn’t a parameter used to determind testosterone levels. I have friends who don’t care for the sport and they’re probably more macho than I am.
    But Panda, your choice of boobs over ass is personal I suspect, if not then you’re also doing the same thing our dear septic *sorry* friend N is doing.
    Ignore such narrow minded people please…live your life and enjoy it.

  • Nucreed

    You’ve spoken the mind of many (like me).

    On a lighter note, are there guys that go to work with a packed lunchbox? Cos if there aren’t, I just might be the first non-conformist in that area. *straight face*

  • beforesheimplodes

    LOL! Please i beg you ignore the uncultured guy…its not his fault…he isnt ‘exposed’ so his thoughts are somewhat limited. I know many guys that dont watch soccer. Im a girl and i for one appreciate the individual and not what society has said someone should be like…in most cases sha.

  • Chinelo

    You are no different from B by insisting that “real men love boobies” so a man who marries an A cup isn’t a real man 🙂

    • The Capoeira Panda

      Looool. No. I know everyone has their tastes. I actually like a bit of ass myself. I just tend more…. wait. Why are we having this discussion? Lol.
      I don’t judge guys that’re into booty tho.

  • Chinelo

    “Unattended septic tank”? LOL!

  • Okunoren Ade

    I feel you bruv, I love watching football tho, and the fact that I love boobs too :D…. Buh really being a dude isn’t defined by talking bout all those things too tho, that dude needs to experience life in a different way…

  • Logan


  • Achi_va

    Society n its stereotypes…smh


    I’ve said it before, I will say it again. Football is boring to me.

    I’ve had this exact same discussion (just that in my case I was dealing with a rotten sack of idiot and not an unattended septic tank).

    How do you know a real man?
    Real men do whatever the hell they want without fear of being labelled or classified.

  • Bunmi

    Yes, yes, yes! We shld decide what defines us, as a matter of fact we must! An unattended septic tank tho *lmao* wicked. Serzly hilarious article, niiice *thumbs up*

  • lade

    remi olutimeyin, tokunbo and wole… I totally agree with these 3 people. In addition, as far as you have a certain part of the male anatomy, you are a man. ¯\_(-_-)_/¯

  • LagosHunter

    I don’t watch football either & I don’t care for the myopic opinions of guys who think it’s weird.

  • Nugwa

    Here’s the thing. Men are naturally competitive. That is what drives the love for Sports in general. The need to dominate comes with the Y-chromosome. And sport is an easy way to satisfy that urge. However some guys satisfy that urge through women or politics.
    Personally, I only question your masculinity if you never feel the need to dominate at all. Cause, I dunno, its in the genes.

  • @hbillions

    I used to not like any games where you don’t use your hands…until my leg-eye-coordination got better.
    I’m the defender of non-soccer lovers in my office. I tell the proponents of “manliness of football” that soccer is not nearly as “manly” as Rugby or Fencing and I always challenge them to take up rugby. None has taken up the challenge yet nor wishes to enroll their kids in a rugby program.
    I often ask that by their estimation, how many “real men” are in India – where cricket is the National Sports? And some Cricketers are actually worshipped as gods?
    I use their ‘it’s not like that’ response to summarise their folly and up myopia.

  • IronHyde_

    Somebody did upset somebody! Ice, show the brother some love. Unattended Septic Tank? 😥

    I don’t watch football…unless it can be compressed into 5mins, showing only the ghen ghen parts…even then 5 WHOLE MINUTESS!!! (but there was this time I took my brother to Banilux to watch that finals Chelsea won, cant remember what cup or who they played sef. I ate nkwobi and drank on his account 😀 That doesnt count right?)

    I don’t play football be it physically (at least not anymore rtd JS3 :|) or GAMically 🙂



  • attalenell

    People are people. Men are people before they are men… and people want what people want. But most people don’t know what they want… so they learn to want what other people want – they start to think it was their idea – and then they really want it. In the end, a man twirling his wrists and acting like a girl is exactly that: a MAN… twirling his wrists and acting like a girl. There’s a decent chance ‘B’ is not a bad person. Perhaps not even a shallow one. There’s a good chance he’s just asleep: he doesn’t know how he became the way he is. He’s unaware he had any choice in the matter. Naturally, he doesn’t understand how you can be the way you are either. The ‘how’ here is pretty easy: you’re a lot more awake than he is.

    Fun read. Write on.

  • TraySea

    Nah! He loves soccer but my vibrator does a better job than him in bed…..real man? Get outta here! Just sad when people let insecurity ride them like a bitch. Our choices define who we are and doesn’t necessarily make the next person any less of a man.

    And oh! Real men love le ass.

  • Justezma

    Duu! Boobs sag…earlier, so give me yansh all day everyday :D. Loved d read (great job on the pictures too). As for that “septic tank”, people will be people. We are the sum total of our environment and life experiences and they serve as the glasses through which we view the world. For some, the glasses are clear and allows them to appreciate the diversity that life brings, but for others it’s blurry and nearsighted, making far off objects obscure & unfamiliar. There is no clear definition for a “man”, so screw what everyone else says, as long as you be the best man that you know how to be, that’s all that matters. C’est fini.

  • Tiki2a

    a. Luuuuuv the pic of the guy and the flower!
    b. Unattended septic tank? I gotta use that on somebody, jeez! (((GBOLAKA)))
    c. A real man is one who is can hold his own, be it about, sports, blogging and fashion.

    People fear most what they don’t know, and the best form of defense is offense. Pay them no mind, darling.

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