No workout this morning.
I woke up, got up & got dressed, and realized there was no way I could do it without going through the day totally exhausted. I usually try to give my body a chance to rest up & heal from the workout pains every couple of days, so I don’t hurt myself in a bid to “be fit”.
[Fort Minor’s “Red to Black” comes on]
This song means a lot to me. Actually, all the songs on this album mean stuff to me. I think I could write posts dedicated to each one of them (somebody say “idea”? Lol). It brings to mind, thoughts of parents and how they play such a key role in our lives. Sometimes they don’t even realize how much their actions can affect their kids. But… they try. At least some do. At least I know mine did. They did the best they could under the circumstances they found themselves and truthfully, I’ve come to a place in the past year where I’ve been able to find clarity where they’re concerned. Especially with my father. I’ve been able to look back and honestly say to myself, “He did his best, given the circumstances. Yeah, he screwed up in some areas, but he’s human. Forgive.”
“Dying to get away… let the pain of yesterday, go slipping through the cracks. Hiding yourself away… watching all the memories fade, fade from Red to Black…”
That’s really important. Letting memories fade. Letting go of pain. I’ve realized, that with me, it’s very difficult. I’ve got a good memory. No, I should say I’ve got a rather weird memory. I remember things that most people forget really easily, but then forget somethings in the short term that people would consider important (for instance, I’ve forgotten to call my old man for the last couple of days. *sigh*).
My memory feels like a gift and a curse.
In the last few months, I’ve struggled with the pain of a few things that happened, and I’ve tried to let it go… tried to forgive, but then, something random would happen and it would just set off the memory and the pain would find it’s way back all over again. I tried… everything I could… just wouldn’t work. But then… I spoke to someone… just let it all out… and she gave me some advice. And I think I’m on the path. It’s difficult, but I think it’ll be fine.
Forgiveness is something, I’ve come to see, that isn’t always automatic. I mean, it’s very easy to say “I forgive you.”, but it isn’t always so easy to forgive completely and wholeheartedly. But it’s important. Holding anger/pain/resentment inside is hard, unhealthy, and completely unnecessary.
I’m working on forgiveness in my life. For my father… for the one who hurt me… shit, for the idiots that piss me the hell off on a daily basis. You never know when you may screw up & need forgiveness…
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