[Cemeteries of London | Coldplay]
*sigh*… today’s been a long day. I realized that arguing is difficult. It takes so much energy to let your feelings out completely, but still control your mouth enough to not say things that you’ll regret later. I also made up my mind. In life, there are a lot of things that happen, and a lot of those things will be crappy. But still, the most important thing is to keep moving forward. There’s nothing to be gained by sitting in one spot and stewing over messed up shit that happen to you, because the world will keep moving. Whether you like it or not, the world is going to keep going on, with or without you. And I’m tired of standing about, waiting for people to get up and let us move on with life. I’m moving. No matter what happens, I’m going to keep moving forward.
[Home | Daughtry]
Okay, let’s move on with today’s challenge.
Day Seventeen: Things That Make Me Scared
“HULK IS NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!!!”
Oh… erm… that’s not we’re talking about? Alright then, let’s go on.
I wrote a post once called “The Sum of My Fears”. I think those things still stand as the things that scare me. But I haven’t read that post since the time I wrote it, so lemme go again.
Success: This scares me in two ways. One of which is that I won’t attain it. I fear that I may just work and work, and never get where I want to be in life, that I’ll be a disappointment to everyone that has expectations of me, that I’ll be a disappointment to myself. I’m scared that my mother may not live long enough to see all her hard work come to fruition in my life. I’m scared that all those years of busting my ass in uni may have been a waste of time. I worry about that all the time and I guess that’s part of what propels me to work hard. The other part of success that worries me is that when I do attain it, is that I’ll spiral out of control and become overtly full of myself. I’ve seen so many people make money, or become big, and lose their grasp on reality. I never want to do that.
Fatherhood: I’m scared that I’m going to be a bad father. That I won’t be do right by my children, that they may grow up with daddy issues because daddy couldn’t do what he should have done to help them grow up properly. I’m scared that my child(ren) may not know what to it is to be loved by a father and will grow up to be dysfunctional. I’m scared that, decades into the future, someone may write the words “fathers, be good to your daughters…”, and be talking about me.
I can’t continue this. I’m sorry.