Category Archives: acts of madness

The Audacity To Breathe

On January 1st 2012, the Federal government of the Republic of Nigeria gave its people the biggest New Year’s gift it could imagine; the subsidy on the importation of PMS was removed, causing the price of fuel to go up by about 115% (rough estimate).

The chaos that ensued almost immediately was to be expected. People crammed themselves into the fuel stations, in an attempt to get fuel at the old rate, and of course, people started talking.

As a young person, most of the information I received about this issue came to me through Twitter, and I saw what we all had to say about it. It started out with complaints, but there were more jokes than anything. The youth made the most ridiculous and hilarious jokes, while some sat back and asked themselves how it was that we could joke about that kind of situation. I have two explanations for this:

Firstly, we have taken so much punishment as Nigerians, that we have developed tough hides; and so when faced with a catastrophe, it seems much easier for us to laugh about it, than to be somber. Secondly, the realization of what the full effect of this subsidy removal would bring had not yet dawned on us.

Today, the 3rd of January, protests have begun all over Nigeria. Amongst the people protesting are market women, carpenters, commercial vehicle operators, newspaper vendors, mechanics, and every other manner of the common person that you can imagine. People have taken to the streets, putting their lives on the line as the police have been ordered to break up these protests in as violent a manner as possible. People have been beaten bloody; the police have thrown teargas and fired their guns right into the middle of the protesters, all in an attempt to stop them from marching to protest the injustice. The stark reality of it is, before the end of today, many people will die. Some people (such as myself), sit and monitor these activities, and try to supply as much information as possible. Some have mocked us, calling us “armchair activists”.

Some however, have said a lot of ridiculous things. I’ve seen statements on twitter that amuse me. Such as, “I don’t see why you people are complaining. Petrol is so much more expensive in Ghana and the UK”. Some are even condemning our right to come out and protest the increase.

It is them I address.

Unlike Ghana or the United Kingdom, Nigeria is one of the top ten producers of oil in the world. I will not attempt to go into the facts and figures, but by the workings of common sense, it is common knowledge that we should not be paying such a steep amount for such an essential commodity. Articles by educated people such as Mr. Lawson Omokhodion, Izielen Agbon Izielen Agbon, and Professor Tam David West have shown that we do not need this supposed “subsidy”, and that we’ve been suffering for no reason. We have been shown that our existing refineries are quite capable of producing the amount of PMS we need for local consumption, and even above it. The price of PMS by any standards, should not be above N40.05/liter, yet the local refineries have been crippled and we’ve been forced to import this fuel which some “individuals” seem to be profiting from, whilst the rest of the Nigerian populace suffered for, because we were forced to pay N65/liter, when it should be N40.05 if we produced it ourselves. And now, the government has removed this “subsidy” (which in essence never existed), and instead of creating an alternative to importation, have forced upon us the price of their incompetence and corruption.

And we are not to complain?

In countries like Ghana and the UK, putting aside the fact that they do not produce even half the amount of oil that Nigeria does, we must also remember that things work in those countries. They do not require PMS to power electricity generators because they have constant electricity, and also have functional infrastructure. So the price of PMS is offset by the fact that things work. Unfortunately, the same hasn’t been able to be said about Nigeria for a few decades.

With the increase in the price of PMS, a resultant increase in the price of… well, everything has occurred. Transportation, food, accommodation, goods and services… everything has gone up. Making it twice as difficult for the average Nigerian, who already struggles, to survive.

And we are meant to keep silent?

I refuse to believe that there are some people out there that can be so insensitive that they would not understand what this action by our government is going to do to Nigeria. No matter who you may be; Nigerian or otherwise, rich or poor. It is obvious that the entire nation is going to suffer if the government is permitted to place this manner of injustice on our heads like trays of fruit. Have we gotten to the point that the legendary Fela Kuti spoke of, simply accepting orders like zombies? Are we meant to watch our people degenerate even further as it becomes even more difficult to survive in a country where there is so much? Are we meant to watch our leaders sit back and remain the fattest and highest paid leaders and officials in the world, while the average Nigerian struggles to make less than $1/day, and then cry helplessly because the little made isn’t even close to enough for them to get a simple meal to eat every day? Amongst the people who supposedly deliberated on the rationale behind removing the “subsidy” without providing a means of making up for it, how many of them actually know what it’s like to not have any fuel at all? When was the last time any of them knew the true meaning of the word “lack”? What we have in Nigeria are rulers who are grossly insensitive to the plight of the common man, sit behind the confines of their havens, and make up laws and policies that make me question their sanity and quite honestly, their intelligence.

How? I ask you; how are we even meant to stay silent in a situation like this?

For too long, like a poet Amir Sulaiman said, we have been dead men walking, mute men talking and blind men watching our people die. It has gone too far. Some say words are little, but they are more powerful than many understand. Ask the people of Libya. They’ll tell you that their protests may have been painful and bloody, but they got what they wanted in the end. Some would argue that the way to do this should be via negotiations and nationwide strikes. And while I agree with that, at this point, we must do something. We should not sit and take it, just because we can. We have every right to speak out. We have every right to cry, scream, kick, bite, make a ruckus and fight for what is our right. And if the time is now, I believe that there’s never a better time than the present.

For those who do not understand why we protest, for those who are comfortable and question our sanity, I will say this; questioning our right to protest evil when it is thrust upon us, is like asking us why we have the audacity to breathe.

Asking us to go back to our homes and accept this yoke that our president and the rest of his government wish to thrust on our heads, is asking us to dig our graves, buy our coffins and clean our best clothes for our own burials.

I may not be out in the thick of things, shouting in protest with the rest of my brothers. I may be an “armchair activist” because I’m sitting on my bed typing this for whoever seeks to know the truth. But I will for no reason under the sun, ask anyone who wishes to protest, to stay at home. I will not be a party to this evil. I will not help the government kill us.

I’d rather die.

This post does not solely reflect my views. It’s also supported by other writers such as ‘Dania Idam, Wale Adetula, Joseph Parker, Martins Ekwe, Kelvin Steve, Efeoghene Ori-Jesu, Festus Okubor, Terdoo Bendega, Oluwafemi Adebule, Dare Falowo, Coco Anetor-Sokei, Jibola Lawal, Oyebowale Odutola, amongst others.

First Date Force

No sex on the first date.
That was her rule, and she planned to stick to it.
Although, as Nkem looked at Gboye, driving her home while taking quick glances at her in a way that suggested a whole lot of ideas he had planned for her, she couldn’t wait for the second date to come.
They’d been hooked up by two of their really good friends Remi and Amina. Amina had been so adamant that Nkem should give the guy a chance. She preached on and on about how they had been friends forever, and how he was a nice guy, he had a nice job, and he was so good looking!
She wasn’t wrong there. Gboye had a beautifully crafted face that he’d gotten from being half Yoruba and half Japanese, and through the perfectly fitted shirt and blazer he wore for their date, she could see hints of a body that’d make Tyson Beckford look like a malnourished little boy.
Their date had gone well. He’d picked her up from work, and they went to this nice (but obviously expensive) little restaurant on Akin Adesola called Bonzai.
He was such a perfect gentleman. Funny, charming, and he picked the perfect meal for the both of them.
And then they went dancing at Tribeca. She was so comfortable around him…
First date sex.
He always got sex on the first date. And from the look on Nkem’s face, he was sure he’d be getting some tonight.
The look on her face when she’d seen him was obvious. He knew he was a hot guy. Girls always gave him that look that said they wanted him. Nkem was no different.
But she was so beautiful though. A full C, slim waist, a bum that reminded him of a succulent apple… and she was funny as well.
He took her to that expensive restaurant he only took special girls. He loved going to Bonzai, cos he had the chance to show his Japanese part. The sushi was expensive… And drank the Saki…
They were laughing at each others jokes, she was taking every opportunity to touch his hands. He knew she liked him.
And when they went dancing, she was so loose. Flirtatious looks, Grinding on him till he thought he would cum in his pants. Well, everyone knew that dancing was an easy aphrodisiac …he was definitely getting some tonight.

They got to her apartment building, he said he’d walk her up…
As they went up the stairs, she checked her purse for her keys, he checked his pocket for his condoms…
She opened the door and turned to him. He smiled the most charming smile ever! “I had a good time tonight Gboye. We should do this again.” She leaned up and kissed him. It was an amazing kiss.
“Goodnight Gboye.”
The calm look on his face was weird. “What do you mean goodnight? Aren’t I coming in?” He asked with that charming smile on his face. “Not tonight Gboye. It’s our first date.” She said with a serious look. “You’re joking right? After tonight? Nothing?” He looked shocked. “Goodnight Gboye.” She turned to go inside.
He pulled her back for another kiss… she enjoyed it but, it was their first date.
She tried to pull away. No way he was letting go. Not now.
She pushed away from him. “Gboye st..”
Then she felt it. Her face went numb from the pain. Her knees almost buckled.
The look of shock on her face as he hit her was almost amusing. Did she really think the night could end like that? He kicked the door open and pushed her inside.
She was in shock. She couldn’t believe he’d hit her.
He threw her on her pretty leather couch and pinned her down.
“Gboye what the fuck are you doing?!?! Stop!!!” She was pushing as hard as she could.
He hit her again. And in one motion, ripped her cute lil dress all the way down, and stuffed her mouth with the cloth.
“You really thought it could end like this? After teasing and flirting and turning me on all night? Stupid bitch.”
She tried everything. She bit him, scratched, slapped…
He hit her again. That took the fight from her. He tore her panties of. Pretty… he smiled to himself as he pulled out his condoms. He threw them away…he wanted to feel her.
The feel of him driving into her woke her up. She tried to scream but couldn’t. Not with the cloth in her mouth.
The sound of her trying to scream through the gag made him even harder. He knew she was enjoying it. Even though she was still faking. He could feel her getting really wet.
She was trying her best to push him off. He was so strong. She tried to shout. Tried to hit him. Her hands were pinned down.
And then it got worse. Her body started to respond. It was an agonizing mix between terror, pain, and an unwelcome pleasure.
The smile on Gboye’s once appealing face was all teeth and savage intent. He rammed into her as hard as he could. He was going to…
She screamed and screamed through the gag. She kept fighting, but her body…
And then, at the same time, they came. One in triumph, the other in sheer pain.
He looked down at her with contempt, slapped her softly, and then got up.
“See you next week?” He said as he zipped up. “I’ll call you.” And he walked out.
Nkem just lay there. She had cum. She felt so ashamed… And then, she threw up… with the gag still in her mouth.

Ok, so I decided to write this after yesterday’s scene of The Penis Monologues Remix, where @JibolaL wrote about a familiar rapist. Some people were against it, but some spoke about the babes being too teasing… so I wanna know what you think. Was Nkem too much of a tease? What do you think about Gboye? Leave your comments below please. And of course, you can also subscribe so my posts hit your email as soon as I put em up.

PS, if you don’t know what The Penis Monologues Remix are about, check ’em out on TheToolsman’s blog. I’m on it 🙂 —>
Have a good weekend y’all, and Happy Easter.

>Grenades, Scapegoats, & Other Measures of Madness.

Lately, Bruno Mars is one of my favorite singers. (I can just see some of the chics reading this. You’ve seen Bruno Mars & you’re happy like a puppy  with two tails.)

Anyways, Bruno Mars. That dude’s voice is….AMAZING! It’s hard to describe. And of course, he has some good song writers that write with him (What? You were thinking he writes all his songs alone? Sorry to disappoint you) so, when you have the dude singing songs like “Just The Way You Are”, you know that’s talent you’re hearing right there.

But there’s one song in particular I’m thinking about.


That song seems to have caused a lot of problems for gentlemen all around me. That buffoon of a boy that’s always wearing cap up & down decided to go & sing “I would catch a grenade for ya, throw my head on a blade for ya, I’d jump in front of a train for ya…..” I think we all know how the lyrics to this song go.

Now, according to @SNN_Headlines, women have now started requiring their husbands, boyfriends and toasters to perform acts of intense madness – such as catching grenade – in order to prove their love for them.

Well, as an unrepentant member of the “Single & Wayward” community (along with some of my brothers such as @mr_1saac, @ThePervNerd, @amosquito4eva, @NanuDiei, @shollylolly & co), this recent disturbance doesn’t disturb me. I mean, any girl that is expecting me to catch grenade for her… *pauses for a minute to laugh like a mad man* … I’m telling you ehn, I go first off all my cloth before I start to dey swear for the half bag of goat!

But really, nowadays, guys are always very afraid to be around women when that song starts playing. A friend of mine got dumped two weeks after the song came out. Two weeks! His girlfriend came to see him one day, dressed in the sexiest dress he’d ever seen. She came in, cooked for him and all.. this dude was wondering what was going on. But well, he saw his girl, a lot of good food – good sex & good food – *smh* the poor fool never even saw anything coming. One minute he was asking “innocently”, why she was being so nice to him that day, the next thing he knew, (according to him) it had turned to her shouting & asking what he’d do for her to prove his love,& would he catch a grenade for her? Now, my poor friend hadn’t heard the song at this point, & he hadn’t the foggiest what this girl was talking about. So of course he laughed and asked, “Why in God’s name would I wanna do that?”

That was how, ladies & gents, this dude pressed the proverbial mad woman’s breast (while ensuring that he’d never again touch his girlfriend’s breasts). The poor guy ended up wearing all the good food that she cooked for him, along with some makeup that looked very much like five fingers laid very neatly across both cheeks.

I felt so sorry for the guy, that I decided to get Bruno Mars’ album, & listen to the song myself. By the way, “Doowops and Hooligans” is a really good album..

But you see, being the kind of guy that I am, I listened to the song very well, to try & understand this new source of male sorrow. I listened to it, and I realized something that most babes have conveniently decided to forget. The end of the chorus goes: “Yes I would die for you baby, but you wouldn’t do the same.”

Interesting ain’t it? Isn’t it quite easy for womenfolk to neglect that part of the song???

The entire song, from the very beginning is about a babe that was just using our guy to catch trips. The dude was there being a mugu in love, meanwhile the babe was using him to play. Part of it goes “Gave you all I had & you tossed it in the trash”. Doesn’t this seem very familiar to somebody reading this??

And have you seen the video to the song?? Oya lemme narrate it for you, just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few months.

So, the basic plot of the video is that, Bruno is dragging a piano somewhere. We’re not totally sure where. All we know is, that piano is heavy, & this dude has attached ropes to it, & he’s dragging it. He takes it across many roads, over a bridge…he sha drags it. At some point, some heavily tattooed guy is yelling in his face, telling him to stop this bullshit, amongst other things (at least so I presume, since we couldn’t hear what the dude was saying). You know what that reminds me of? It reminds me of myself. Telling one of my guys to free a babe cos she was just using him to catch trips. It reminds me of every guy who’s ever, in the spirit of “Bro-hood” ever tried to warn his guy, but ended up ignored.

Anyways, so he finally drags the piano to the front of a house, & this fine chic comes out to the window, but she doesn’t see him. It’s obvious that he dragged the piano to play for her, cos a smile lights up on his face as soon as he sees her. And just as he’s about to sit & play, some dude joins the babe at the window, & she turns round and gives him some quality frenching!

Shet!!!! I swear I almost died!!! After all the stress, the babe was cheating on him?!?! To say na me ehn, na there we for die! No be say anything o! I for kee everybody there!

But Mr. Mars? He simply turns round, &  starts dragging his piano back. He drags it do a train track, & is hit by a train,  piano & all.

Now, I’m sure we all know someone (cos I’m sure nobody’s ever going to admit to being a mugu once upon a time) who was like Mr. Mars at some point. Some babe was always using him to do anyhow. Meanwhile, this dude was forming lover man all over town.

Is this what our women are trying to do to us???

I wee not gree o! Ehen!

Any girl that wants me to catch grenade for her, & is not ready to chop at least two bullets for me, is a  big joker. Ahan! Kilode?!?

In this 2011, there shall be no grenade catching for anybody. In fact, if them throw stone sef I wee not catch. In fact, as I told one babe that asked me about grenade catching, “I can help you hold the grenade pin. You keep the rest.” *hiss* …..That regular thing that babes do when, they’ll enter the club & be talking anyhow to some dude. When gbege come bust, na me them go come meet say “Panda did you see what that guy did? Panda do something! Panda is this how you’ll let him disrespect me?” Mehn babe you’re completely on your own o! I no fit go swallow panadol for you after you carry your own head go knack for ground!

And I blame all these ridiculous expectations on those singers. They’ll sit down & write one silly song so that they can sell. Meanwhile, they forget that they’re putting the rest of us in trouble. I mean, even D’Banj sef is guilty. Now women don dey find “scapegoat” up & down. Me I cannot be anybody’s scapegoat o! Don’t go and dull o.

Anyways sha. This is just a disclaimer o. In 2011, if you’re looking for a scapegoat, or somebody that’ll catch grenade for you, don’t look at Panda o….you’ve definitely come to the wrong place.

Please, fellas. Look very well at the girl you’re proclaiming love for o! If she’s using your head anyhow, open your eyes o! Don’t bring that bullshit “love is blind” nonsense in 2011. Let your love wear glasses if it has to. Before you will go and catch grenade for nothing. Ladies, I advise you to do this as well…


Disclaimer: If at any point in time, I actually told you that I would do anything of the foolish sort for you, I must have been drunk, stoned out of my mind, or possibly both. And statements made under the influence can not be held against me in the court of law…at least I don’t think so.

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