Category Archives: BlockRecovery

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty One

*sigh*

[Tears & Rain | James Blunt]

Where do I start today’s post from?

Day Twenty One: Something I Can’t Seem to Get Over

Disappointment

I’m disappointed.

Yeah… that sounds about right. I’m disappointed in human nature and the inability of people to change, even when reasons that should be catalysts for change stare them right in the face. I’m disappointed in myself for always giving people (who so obviously don’t deserve it) a chance to do right. I’m disappointed in myself for always forgetting that human beings are selfish, and that some are a little more selfish than others; some… obscenely selfish. I’m disappointed in myself because even when I know it’s not my place to change people, I can’t help but see the good that could be if they simply attempted to be different; simply attempted it. But then… they never do. And I’m left here… disappointed.

[We All Try | Frank Ocean]

I love this song. I love it because it’s a song full of faith; in self, in people, in nature… but I hate it because it’s wrong. We don’t “all” try. Some of us don’t even really give a shit. Some people are actually wicked. Some people sin because they want to. They do the wrong they do because they’re self serving and don’t give three flying, four legged f***s how their actions affect the people around them.

I don’t know how to get over it.

I don’t know how to find the place of disillusionment with humanity as a whole that I’d need to move forward. Because that’s what I need, I think. I need to become so jaded about everyone around me, that I stop expecting things from them. I need to come to a place where I look at people and expect them to screw up, expect them to be the shitty ass people they are who will do everything they do simply for their own benefit and attempt to give me the short straw. That way, I’ve prepared myself for what’s coming and made preparations to be off the sidewalk when that out of control truck that contains the painful effects of their constantly stupid decisions comes spinning down the road.

I need to not trust anymore.

Yeah… that’s about it.

-Panda-


Challenging Myself: Day Nineteen

“…and God made Gin & Tonic, and saw that they were good together…” – @Queen_UK

I’ve said before, that the person behind that twitter account has many spiritual problems. If you don’t know what I’m on about, I’m talking about the parody twitter account created for the Queen of England. Definitely one of the funniest accounts I’ve ever followed. But… yeah… gin & tonic is a fantastic mix, which I happen to be having some of at the moment.

[Paper Scissors Rock | Chris Brown]

Sorry I didn’t put this up yesterday, fell asleep. I think I should go back to writing my posts early in the morning, no? Anyways…

#Day Nineteen: Something that Never Fails to Make Me Feel Better

This one is quite easy, I think. That would have to be music and writing.

I think that listening to music has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. At any given point in time, I’d have some song or the other to relate to when I’m going through difficult times. Lemme list a few:

Why Georgia – John Mayer: This song helped me a lot of times when I was simply depressed. I go through mood swing bouts a lot (or at least I used to), when I’m just depressed for no identifiable reason. At points like that, I’d simply get into my old Jetta, turn this song up on repeat, and just frigging drive nowhere in particular. Listening to John’s voice going, “…don’t believe me… when I say, I’ve got it down…” would help lift my spirits. I think, maybe because I could always relate with the lyrics to the song… I don’t know. Oh yeah, this is my favorite song… ever.

Think About Me – Artful Dodger feat. Michelle Escofrey: I don’t even know why I love this song. It’s actually never happened to me – the lyrics I mean – but for some reason, there were times when I’d want to listen to absolutely nothing else. There was a day in uni, when I had a fight with my ex girlfriend, that I listened to this song sixty three times. I think Amina seized my iPod that day. *chuckles*

[Novacane | Frank Ocean]

You Know My Name – Chris Cornell: This song is just pure truth. It tells life as it is; nobody is going to get what you want for you. A few people may help, may be there for you, but you have to do things yourself. And imagining that you’re strong enough to handle everything? That’s just sheer stupidity. “I’ve seen diamonds cut through harder men… than you yourself but if you must pretend… you may meet your end…”

Dust – Frank Ocean: *sigh* from a writer’s perspective, and from the perspective of someone that’s happened to fall in love with the wrong person a few times… this song is just perfection. Ugh…

Anyways, besides music, words help. Writing, reading… it’s quite therapeutic to simply let my feelings leak onto a page, or read someone else’s words and see how the person’s been through something similar to what I’m going through. I’ve found, that writing from a point of experience, where emotions are involved, is probably the best way to get a good post out. Some people read my blog and tell me “oh this poem is my favorite.” And I’m thinking to myself how, writing that piece was one of the most difficult things for me to do. But ah well… I guess creativity and misery are friends. Don’t believe me? Just go ask Adele. 😀

A lot of the time, I simply go blog crawling. Auria Ally, Write His Wrongs, Wisdom is Misery, AGirlGoingInsane… these are still some of my favorite blogs.

Aight. Day Nineteen done. J

-Panda-


Challenging Myself: Day Eighteen

[P**sy & Patron 1.5 | Kendrick Lamar feat Ab-Soul]

*CracksKnuckles*

So… been a long day. Today, I said goodbye to my old flat and my (thankfully) ex-flat mate. Now I know the way I talk about him may make him seem like an overbearing and annoying person which indeed he is, but maybe I should just say he’s a little misunderstood. He has his quirks, as do we all. It’s just that, a lot of his quirks often made me want to go upside his cranium with a very hard frying pan. Getting a flat mate, I think, is kinda like getting married. You have a lot of expectations about the person. You think to yourself, “He/she is my friend! We’ll get along perfectly!” until you actually move in with them. And then you start to see all their habits that may drive you crazy. Such as the fact that they’re not as neat as they let you believe, or that they don’t understand that washing dishes is something that has to be done and going to the market, cooking meat and three different pots of stew and then leaving ALL the dirty dishes in the sink for three days until the kitchen starts to smell like something underneath a rhinoceros’ left hind foot is not a good idea.

*TakesDeepBreath*… I’m sorry, was I ranting? *BreathesOut*

Yeah, so I moved all my shit out and got into my new flat with a new set of people. These dudes are my guys, and hopefully we’ll be able to live with each other for the next month. But of course, like marriage, only time will tell if it’s gonna be a “happy home” or not.

[Tell Me | Bobby Valentino]

Day Eighteen: Disrespecting Parents

When I was a kid, disrespecting parents was basically impossible. My dad ruled my life with… well… whatever the hell was within reach to beat my ass with. Oh shit… my dad beat the hell out of me. Pankere, slippers, belts, wires, bare hands… if it would inflict pain and drive his lesson home, he would beat me with it. I learned the importance of obedience and respect pretty quickly. Did I comply with the lessons I learned? That is a completely different story. I’ve been a stubborn dude for a long time, I have to admit honestly.

But that’s beside the point.

[Time After Time | DJ Sammy]

These days, when people of my generation talk about respect, they often say how respect is meant to be earned and can’t simply be given freely. There’s also a different set of people who go by the biblical path which says that you’re meant to “honor your father and your mother so that your days may be long”. Somehow or the other, I agree with both viewpoints, and still have some of my own opinions.

See, my parents did the best they could. I’ve seen some shitty parents. Parents who had absolutely no idea how to be parents and screwed their children up pretty bad. In situations like that, how’re the children meant to respect them? Especially when they see that other kids’ parents act like real parents.

[The Stupid Things | Robin Thicke]

When I see kids who come from homes with bad parents disrespecting their parents, I wonder to myself, how I’m meant to tell them to be respectful towards their parents. I understand that it’s a God given commandment, which holds no caveats for good or bad parents, but still, I know it’s difficult. In situations like that, I usually advise that they walk away. If they can’t be in the same space with the parent(s) and be respectful, then just leave. I think respect should be earned. However, I do believe that beyond that, there’s a measure of respect everyone deserves, parent or not. You should be able to show them a certain amount of respect for the simple fact that they’re human beings.

[Call Me Daddy | Lemar]

I also like to believe that everyone tries. I don’t think that bad parents necessarily start out wanting to be bad parents. But hey, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I also think some parents bring disrespect upon themselves. Parents who don’t believe in finding some way or the other to deal with their children’s indiscretions before they become a problem get what they deserve. I think, somewhere in the bible, it says that a child left to his/her own means will be the reproach of the parent. It’s also up to parents to cultivate respect in their children.

*sigh*

I feel like I’ve gone round in circles and not answered the damn question.

Disrespecting parents? I’m not for it. I think that everyone deserves respect; parents even more so. I know some parents do a lot of horse shit that makes them undeserving, but still.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

G’night y’all.

-Panda-

 


Challenging Myself: Day Seventeen

[Cemeteries of London | Coldplay]

*sigh*… today’s been a long day. I realized that arguing is difficult. It takes so much energy to let your feelings out completely, but still control your mouth enough to not say things that you’ll regret later. I also made up my mind. In life, there are a lot of things that happen, and a lot of those things will be crappy. But still, the most important thing is to keep moving forward. There’s nothing to be gained by sitting in one spot and stewing over messed up shit that happen to you, because the world will keep moving. Whether you like it or not, the world is going to keep going on, with or without you. And I’m tired of standing about, waiting for people to get up and let us move on with life. I’m moving. No matter what happens, I’m going to keep moving forward.

[Home | Daughtry]

Okay, let’s move on with today’s challenge.

Day Seventeen: Things That Make Me Scared

“HULK IS NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!!!”

Oh… erm… that’s not we’re talking about? Alright then, let’s go on.

I wrote a post once called “The Sum of My Fears”. I think those things still stand as the things that scare me. But I haven’t read that post since the time I wrote it, so lemme go again.

Success: This scares me in two ways. One of which is that I won’t attain it. I fear that I may just work and work, and never get where I want to be in life, that I’ll be a disappointment to everyone that has expectations of me, that I’ll be a disappointment to myself. I’m scared that my mother may not live long enough to see all her hard work come to fruition in my life. I’m scared that all those years of busting my ass in uni may have been a waste of time. I worry about that all the time and I guess that’s part of what propels me to work hard. The other part of success that worries me is that when I do attain it, is that I’ll spiral out of control and become overtly full of myself. I’ve seen so many people make money, or become big, and lose their grasp on reality. I never want to do that.

Fatherhood: I’m scared that I’m going to be a bad father. That I won’t be do right by my children, that they may grow up with daddy issues because daddy couldn’t do what he should have done to help them grow up properly. I’m scared that my child(ren) may not know what to it is to be loved by a father and will grow up to be dysfunctional. I’m scared that, decades into the future, someone may write the words “fathers, be good to your daughters…”, and be talking about me.

I can’t continue this. I’m sorry.

-Panda-


Challenging Myself: Day Sixteen

*peeks*

[Ooh | De La Soul feat. Redman]

Okay, I’m starting to feel like this business of skipping one day and writing two posts is becoming a bad habit. But of course, I have an excuse this time as well; PHCN. Those annoying asshats have absolutely refused to give me light this weekend. As I write this post, I’m sitting in darkness in the room of my (soon-to-be-ex) flat. But anyways, it’s funny how people (such as myself) always find ways to make excuses for their lapses. “It was this, it was that”… “There was so much traffic I couldn’t…”, “Godzilla broke into my house wearing a ski mask and kidnapped my family”… or whatever other ridiculous excuse we can manage to rig up. It’s quite annoying I tell you. This is also why it pisses me off that I’m making excuses for posting a day late. But well… If you guys forgive me, who am I to not forgive myself? Huh? Huh? 😀

[Go | Common]

Okay, so… yesterday’s post…

#DaySixteen: Three Things I’m Proud of about My Personality

I hate writing down things like these. I feel awkward when people pay me extremely good compliments, so it’s really hard to say that there are things I’m proud of about myself. I’m currently (and have been for a while), fighting pride/arrogance. A lot of people look at me and think I’m cocky, but they have absolutely no idea how much worse I could be. I hate the fact that the idea that I’m better than anyone is in my head. I think everyone is equal when it comes right down to it, and the fact that you’ve been blessed with a little extra is just that; a blessing, not something to carry a chip on your shoulder about. So a lot of the time, I try not to give myself props for shit because… well… I didn’t make myself.

But, if I have to write about it, then I’d say that the first thing about my personality I’m proud of, is the fact that I’m not averse to self analysis. One of my favorite quotes is the famous “above all else, to thy own self be true.” I’m usually able to look at myself without emotion and tell myself the truth. Good, bad, painful or easy. If it’s something I have to do in order to move forward, I won’t spare myself the comfort of self deceit. It’s an absolute waste of time and also, quite bad for me.

[No Diggity | Blackstreet feat. Dr. Dre & MC Lite]

Next, would have to be the fact that I keep a calm head, a little more than most. I’m not saying that there’s nothing at all that ruffles my fur, but then, I manage to keep calm and do what I have to (see what I did there?), before things get out of hand. It’s also probably why a lot of people think I’m a good leader. I really don’t understand it; I’m just another dude trying to get by. But hey, what can I say? It is what it is.

Third would have to be honesty. I try myself to be true to everyone that I come across. I wouldn’t like to be lied to, so I treat people with the same consideration. Even when it’s hard on me, I still just go out on a limb and tell the truth. I wish I could say that it’s always easy, or that it doesn’t get me into trouble. I’ve gotten people pissed, I’ve seen women cry, but hey… I used to say that I don’t have the strength to lie to people, but Reptile says I should stop saying that. According to him, we don’t grant ourselves the weakness necessary to lie to people when it matters. I don’t know what to say to that but… *shrugs*

Okay, so that’s it for Day 16. Day 17 soon to follow.

Peace!

-Panda-


Challenging Myself: Day Fifteen

[Deuces | Chris Brown]

Funny how this is the first song I’m listening to as I start this post. Funny cos I was thinking how I wrote a post a couple of years ago when his issue with Rihanna (sp?) happened, and I was slightly on his side. I say “slightly” because I didn’t (& still don’t) agree with raising his hands to a woman, but I felt like the public was crucifying him for something they knew nothing about. Sure, he hit her, which was wrong. But on the flip side, nobody knew why a dude with a bright future ahead of him would do something so stupid when he knew it would affect his relationship. I for one didn’t believe it had anything to do with Rihanna talking shit about some girl he was playing games with, or about her giving him a venereal disease. And I feel like I was right; how many years down the line, and they’re playing hanky panky again and obviously getting back together? Please. Something happened that night. However, I don’t really give so much of a shit.

Anyways…

[Strawberry Swing | Frank Ocean]

#Day Fifteen: The Best Thing That’s Happened To Me This Week

I’m really trying hard to think about this. A lot of things have happened to me this week. I’ve been disappointed, sad, worried… chai. However, one thing I have gained this week is clarity. I’ve learned, from work, that as much as loyalty and friendship are things to value; priorities are priorities. In every situation, moving forward is something that must happen. Regardless of how you feel or what you think is good or bad. Not many people actually realize this. False loyalty is quite easy to fall into. It’s like religion. You get so caught up in the romance of having a higher being that will “take care of your every need” that you forget that you need to ask questions. That not everything sad can be taken verbatim and you need to find out stuff for yourself. Wait. How does this tie in with false loyalty? Oh… well… I think it does. You get the point… don’t you?

[Fuck Me Pumps | Amy Winehouse]

Something else really good that’s happened to me this week… uhm… well, I did my final NYSC clearance today. It was one of the most hectic things I’ve had to do in so long, I came back home and I was completely worn out. However, I’ve cleared sha. I’m so happy about that, it’s ridiculous. I’m actually going to be free from NYSC in thirteen days. Chai. Speaking about NYSC, I think I still have some stuff I wrote when I was in camp. Remember “Memoirs of a Chubby Otondo”? I’m going to have to look for that journal. It must be lying around somewhere. I’m sure I can still post some of those entries. Good idea? Yes? No?

Also… well… hahaha… na. I won’t talk about that. But I had a really good day after all…

A lot of disturbing things happened to me this week. But like I’ve said… good things happened as well. And I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful that I can actually recognize that there’s good, even when the bad is so scary and painful to bear.

Well… that’s Day Fifteen. Halfway through this challenge; I may just finish it. I just may. J

-Panda-


Challenging Myself: Day Fourteen

*ducks*

I’m sorry! I know I should probably be whipped for not putting up a post last night. But in my defense, it was not my fault. I had a heavy plate of amala, ewedu & gbegiri, with plenty meat. As I finished ehn… the kind itis that hooked me. No be small thing. I think I finished eating, lay my head back for like two seconds, and woke up around 1am. And fell right back asleep. It was genuinely amazing. That amala was just a sneaky bastard. K

But yeah, as per usual, I’ll put up two posts tonight; one for yesterday, and one for today.

[Thief My Kele |Banky W feat. Skales]

#Day Fourteen: Something Disgusting I Do

I’m not sure where to start with this. On one hand, I can’t, right off the bat, say that there are disgusting things I do. I mean the fact that I do it, means that it’s not necessarily disgusting to me. Right? I mean, people differ, do they not?

But if I was going to look at something disgusting I do… hmmm… When I get one of those really bad nail breaks, where there’s blood and stuff, I lick off the blood. I did this a couple of days ago and a friend of mine was complaining about how it was disgusting. Me I was looking like “what’s disgusting there? Isn’t it my blood? Hian. But well, she thought it was disgusting sha.

I can’t really think of anything else classified under “disgusting” that I do. But… I know some people that have disgusting habits.

Number one on that list would have to be people who chew with their mouths open. I think it’s one of the world most disgusting habits ever, and I don’t understand how humanity condones it. Are you eating food or performing a chewing concert for the people around you? Such bad behavior. If you know any of them, please tell them to stop, before they destroy the planet.

[Viva la Vida | Coldplay]

Dirty dishes; I cannot stand seeing dirty dishes. My current flat mate has given me so much grief over this ehn, I’m just tired. But I hate dirty dishes. They upset me so very much. I can’t function when I’m in this flat and there are dirty dishes in the sink. It’s the weirdest thing ever. Anybody wanna share some disgusting things you do (lowkey)? Or something disgusting someone else does? Find your way into the comment sections.

Okay. I’m done with Day fourteen.

-Panda-


Challenging Myself: Day Thirteen

#DayThirteen: A Date I Would Like to Go On

Its funny how on twitter this afternoon, there was this story of a guy who took a girl on a date when he couldn’t afford to pay for shit and ended up making a complete horse’s arse of himself. And here I am now, writing about a date I’d like to go on.

I don’t have any fancy desires as far as dates go. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I have no imagination when it comes to things like that, but then sometimes I realize that it’s simply because I don’t really give a shit about it.

Continue reading


Challenging Myself: Day Twelve

I’m probably typing this in my sleep; I’m so tired… *sigh* some music should make me feel better.

[Home | Daughtry]

Today was one of those days when I felt like just saying, “f*** it all”, and going home. Tired, overworked and feeling unappreciated… those are things that just shouldn’t mix, no matter what. I’m learning a lot of things in my office. And unfortunately, one of those things is how you shouldn’t treat people who work under you (“underlings”, as I like to say). I just hope that as my career gets bigger, I’ll have learned from the mistakes I’ve seen being made, and make myself a better boss. One of the worst things to ever happen is to see a mistake being made, forget, and then make the same damn mistake a few years down the road. It’s quite messed up.

[Call Me When You Get This | Corinne Bailey Rae]

#DayTwelve: Things I want to say to an ex

*chuckles*… now isn’t this a touchy subject? I don’t know how I’m meant to do this when I know this is being read quite publicly. However, as I keep saying, it’s my blog, and my challenge, so I can choose to interpret it however I want, ne c’est pas? So, seeing as it says “to an ex”, and not any one ex in particular, I’m going to say a few things. But it could be to any of them, or it could be all, or only one. *shrug*


Challenging Myself: Day Eleven

[Back to Black | Amy Winehouse]

Every time I listen to Amy, I remember the day she died. I was in this hostel in Unilag, doing some work (not ashewo work K), and I was listening to her albums. I remember I was telling my flatmate that it would be amazing if she and Adele could do a tune together. And then I got home and heard she’d died. A small part of me felt like I’d killed her by listening to her music that day. Now, I listen to this song, and it reminds me so very much of Adele’s “Best for Last”, but in a more… somber way… I dunno…

[Lost Without You | Robin Thicke]

Day11: My Current (lack of a) Relationship

So this post is meant to be about my current relationship, or about how single life is… I haven’t been in a relationship in about a year, and it’s been… well… I don’t even know how exactly to describe how it’s been.

I’ve gone through a few… noncommittal flings with different people, and I’ve also been through some quasi-serious affairs where I had an actual “The Lover”, but never anyone who would take the official role of “girlfriend”.

[You Know I’m No Good | Amy Winehouse]

I’m not exactly sure why it’s been like this… okay, I’m lying. I do know. It’s because I’ve been an emotional kamikaze and not many people would’ve been able to manage my madness. After my last relationship, trusting women kinda became something I’ve been a little unable to manage, so I just go day to day. And then, in recent times, I’ve just been… I don’t know…

 [Apologize | One Republic]

We both have issues to address, but with no label to place on our relationship, where do we mail our complaints to?” J. Wesley

It’s funny how those words describe things that’ve been said to me in the last year. My… inability to be in a serious relationship was what caused me to write “[Not] Yours Truly”, and one or two posts after that. But still, here I am.

[Arms Around Your Love | Chris Cornell]

Being single isn’t so much fun. I mean, it’s nice to not have to deal with the neurosis of relationships and all that, and it’s even more fun to be able to do what you want (discretely of course) without being worried that you’ll hurt feelings, but the novelty of it wears out. On days when you’re alone and you want to talk to someone but there’s nobody special enough to share your thoughts with, on days when your friends all have their girlfriends with them, and you’re the only one sitting alone, on days when you simply want to call one person and know that she considers you the most important person in her world, on days when you just want to know you’re not alone… being single isn’t so much fun.

[Sometimes You Make Me Smile | Floetry]

But… well… will I decide to get in a relationship anytime soon? I dunno… I’m not ruling out the possibility. I can’t lie and say there’s nobody at all that interests me but… *shrug*

Come, this blog challenge is getting very personal oh… do I want to keep posting here? Hian.

Day eleven done; g’night guys.

-Panda-