Some days I wake up in a cold sweat, praying to the ceiling fan above me that I don’t fail.
I’m a veteran in the field of Bad Decision Making (trust me on this), so I second guess everything I do, and look at myself with an eye that has seen the mistakes of my mind come to pass, and tries to learn from them so that I don’t make them again.
But sometimes, I wonder if I’m actually learning anything, or if I live in a world where learning from mistakes may not be too late.
Fail at what?
Everything. Everything in my life is a task I wish to accomplish successfully. From the things I have to achieve at work, to my relationship with my lover, to being a good father. I have to make decisions on these things every day and truthfully? I ask myself what makes me… sufficiently equipped to have a life.
Sometimes, I think I understand the concept of a slave/prisoner not wanting freedom after a while.
I mean, one thing about being in captivity is that your decisions are made for you. Where to go, what to do, when to eat or sleep… your life and the corresponding responsibilities are basically taken away from you, taking away the need to think for yourself and be responsible for your actions. I mean, sure you have to answer to your captors, but the burden of self-thinking (if I can call it that) is essentially lifted from you, and you’re more or less assured of food and shelter.
Or course, in the true sense of things, there’s also the satisfaction that comes with making the right decisions and seeing their results come to pass satisfactorily. Unfortunately, in the world of my mind, the good doesn’t always outweigh the bad because the truth is, the destructive capacity which the bad possesses is a tad more scary than the good.
I took a course on Creativity a few months ago (I didn’t finish it, but I sha took it), and one of the things which was taught is that failure is… good, given the right circumstances. But, isn’t the luxury of failure available only to those who have nothing to lose?
So… what if I fail? Fail as a man… as a lover… as a father… as… everything?
What happens then?
Ah well… time to listen to some Gnarlz Barkley.
A good day must be had.