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>The High Horse Called Judgement.

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A few years ago, in one of the many wisdom enriching conversations I’ve had with a particular friend of mine, he told me that he’d finally understood why his old man had cheated on his mom. At that point in time, I thought he was out of his fricking mind. I mean, the idea of cheating on a partner just seemed so absurd to me. I thought I was in a position where I could judge. I had this self righteousness thing going on, where I was always saying that i could never cheat and all that…

A few years down the line, and two or three girlfriends later, (not like I consider any of my exes as just numbers, in fact, they’ve each had a special place in my life, & I still mourn the loss of Tutu…) any ways, I’ve still never cheated on a girlfriend, & I still maintain that it’s wrong. But I’ve come to realize that, it’s not easy. Nothing is ever as simple as we make it out to be.

Someone told me once, that when she was much younger, in secondary school and stuff, that she never had any qualms about doing the right thing. Like, it was never even an argument. It was always just a natural instinct. I’ve seen that person in a dilema. Where she’s had to be begged to do the right thing.

*sigh*

Point in case, I’ve realized that we can never look on our selves as being better than anyone. For any reason whatsoever. I saw a younger friend of mine doing something that was totally unfair to a female friend of mine. And I thought to myself, “that is so fricking selfish. This boy has disappointed me”. But this weekend, I found myself in that same position with another girl. And, it took a lot of talking to myself, & a lot of talking to other people who would possibly have an influence on the decisions I make, to put my head in the right place so that I wouldn’t let my body make decisions for me, and ruin a friendship that has taken quite a long while to craft properly. And I’m not saying that what I’m doing right now is the right thing, but at least I’ve made the effort to be honest to this girl, and lay out all the cards. But! I’ve also realized, that in the case of this my young friend, that it was simply easier for him to just think about himself. It was simply easier.

I wrote in one of my previous blogs, that the fact that I see that there is something fundamentally wrong in the way we human beings do our things, and the things we accept as normal practice, the fact that I see this puts me on a higher echelon than the average human being. I still think that is the truth. & I still believe that, even though I can see it, my inability to figure it out makes me human. That, I’ve come to see more clearly.

We’re all human beings. Never judge people, ‘cos you never know what you would do if you were thrown in that situation. Never say, “O! I could never do that!” Or “What is (s)he thinking?! That’s just so wrong!!” Or anything of the sort. ‘Cos you never really know if it can happen to you.

I guess, as for me, I’m gonna keep trying to maintain myself. I’m gonna keep trying to stay on that upper echelon. But now, I can see the bottom. I can see how easy it would be to fall. So I’ll ba a bit more careful.

No one said that because you’re on an upper echelon, you have to stay on a high horse….abi?

Location : Kosofe, Lagos,

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>Off The Top.

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The effects of the decisions we make are usually entirely out of our hands. A lot of the times, we may be able to predict what those effects are, but we just won’t be able to decide how the exact flow of events will turn out.

I lost something very important to me. But now, I’ve refused to take it back. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can see the potential effects of what could happen. Yes, I know I’m speaking abstractly.

What do I do?

Location : Kosofe, Lagos,

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>Thoughts From A Maverick’s Perspective

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My world really revolves around the beauty of disarray.

Often called madness, I prefer to term it “organized chaos”.

I live day to day trying to make sense of it all, why everything turns out the way it often does has always been a marvel to me.

But is it supposed to make sense?

Are we supposed to understand?

Maybe the fact that I can see this supposed shift in the balance of how everyone thinks things are supposed to be, puts me on a higher echelon in my mind, then I guess the fact that I can’t seem to make sense of it is what keeps me human, and at times, sane.

I’ve been called arrogant by a few, full of shit by someone else (I love you too Oyé).

I prefer to point out that I see myself the way I would like to, and more to the point,the way I am. Not how the rest of society would have me percieve myself.

I’m a maverick, a non conformist. Call it what you will.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

Why am I writing when I should be studying?

I’ve begun to believe that a portion of my soul resides at the tips of my fingers,

And the only way that portion finds release is when I write.

The way of the flying pen is the path I’ve chosen to follow.

Location : Ogun,

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>Memories of Childhood and Teenage Years Lost: The Free Spirit

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Grain by grain, my memories trickle like sand onto the page.

I like to believe that I had quite an interesting childhood. I mean, it wasn’t like the kid rockstar life that every little foetus growing in its mother’s womb dreams about having, but it had its perks. I grew up with a mother that loved me as much as life itself, and was never afraid to show it.

Sometimes, when I talk to my mother, she tells me how I put many a gray hair in her head. It always cracks me up… but in her defense, I’m quite sure I was quite the handful.

When I think about it, I could say I was a normal sort of child, if children can ever be called normal. I did the sort of crazy stuff children were prone to do.

I remember when my family still used to live in VI. There were times my folks would go out, and when they were going, they’d tell the house help not to let me leave the house… you know how parents are… it wasn’t like they were trying to lock me up or anything… I think at that point, being the combustible little rat I was, they were just afraid I’d hurt myself if I was left to run around…

Anyways, so they’d leave instructions not to let me out of the house, but I’d always find a way to sneak out and go play Sega games at Charles Grant’s place. I remember the day I found out I could successfully climb down the balcony without hurting myself. It was like I’d found out that I was Spiderman or something. It became something I did all the time…

In retrospect now, I think that, even at such a young age (no, I don’t remember how old I was) I had a spirit that just refused to be caged. Not like I didn’t like chilling at home or anything, it was just the idea that I couldn’t leave the house that stirred up some form of rebellion in me I guess.

One particular day, I was climbing down (or was it back up??) the balcony, when my mom came back, in time to see me fall…

What a scream…

Why am I suddenly remembering all these things??? I don’t know… maybe I just need to put down these events in my head…

Memories of my childhood, and the teenage years lost…

Location : E 1, Loburo,

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>Hypocritical Christianity: Guilty???

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It’s funny how, people can totally forget about God, and just live life how they want to. But then, when trouble, or a battle shows up, they remember Him.

I’m not excluded from this gang of individuals. For the last two months, I’ve been fighting with God. I’ve been upset with him for taking something so precious away from me. Kinda like the way a kid gets vexed at his mom for taking away his favourite toy, and he screams out how much he hates her (well…na only oyinbo pikin dey get that kind liver) and all that stuff. But when wahala lands, the child runs back to hide behind her skirt.

That’s kinda the way I’ve been. Upset with God, ranting and raving and all that stuff, but now, I started my exams on Tuesday and guess who I ran right back to? Yep, you got it!!

But does this make me hypocritical? I mean, does it mean I don’t have the right to be right there with the people who’ve been more consistent with Him? I mean, I know the Bible says we shouldn’t continue in sin, with the thought that Grace will abound, but that grace is there isn’t it?

I don’t know. I was at this worship thing that we usually do when exams are going on, and I thought to myself, I haven’t been to morning devotion this entire semester, and have only been to church three times this semester. Does it make me a hypocrite? Am I mocking God and the grace He chooses to grant my life?

I don’t know…I hope I find the answer I’m looking for sooner than later… maybe it’s just guilty conscience that’s worrying me…

Location : Ogun,

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>Memories of Childhood and Teenage Years Lost.

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Like sand, my memories trickle grain by grain onto this page.

I’ve aged in the last decade. My teenage years stolen away by self assesment, and a realization that established my difference from the common man.

And I say it without an ounce of pride. Teenhood was lost upon one such as I. My time spent more with those well beyond my years than amongst my peers, I quickly realized the superfluity in which those in my age bracket tended to bask in was just that. Superfluous I’m the grand scheme of things. Unfortunately, that didn’t really mean that I knew what the grand scheme was. This premature maturity ended up making me something of a misfit. For I couldn’t blend in with so many of those that were older, maybe because at the most inconvenient times, the truth of my age would come to light. When statements like, “my dad’s home”, or some such thing as only one within the ages of thirteen and nineteen could ever be worried about. But on the other hand, the majority of those who were my age were generally not at a point where I felt I could relate with them just yet.

Sometimes it felt quite ridiculous to me. Imagime a kid in JSS 2 being asked what year in university he was in??? I think that in the last fifteen years of my life, that just has to be one of the most ridiculous things that’s ever happened to me.

I look back, and I try to believe that I avoided some of the mistakes I saw my mentors make. I learnt from people like Le Beau, who taught me that questioning yourself in order to become a stronger person was a necessity in life. Else, stagnation, and maybe even decay would eventually set in.

I learnt from Alucard, how to enjoy myself. With him I actually found some joy in being a teenager, for there’s a young lad in that man that just will not die. And that, I tell you, is something I’m quite glad for.

I learnt from Balogun, my Master Yoda, about how to tap into myself. I don’t know how else to put the things that he taught me. I mean, he was like, and still is, that elder brother that God decided I didn’t really need to have. And you learn a lot from an elder bro. Let’s face it. I may have been mentally beyond my years,  but that didn’t mean I got spared from the stress of going through puberty. *smiling * This big brother of mine was always there to help out. He always had my back at all times. He passed on all the knowledge a lil bro needed to be given.

Later on in teenage hood, I started to hang out with Obanya. The things I learnt from that friend, were crazy. I learnt that fear, even though a requisite in order to maintain humanity, was something that could ne overcome. And I think that’s one of the best things I’ve ever come to see.

The memories are actually quite a lot… I think I’ll make this a bit of a series… so stay with me, and read these tales of mine… Tales of childhood and teenage years lost.

Location : E 1, Loburo,

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>The Morning’s Musings.

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6:25 AM

*sigh*

Nothing is ever easy, sometimes you never realize how hard a thing could actually be, until you try to do it. I’ve recently attempted to pick up the base guitar…I always looked at my room mate playing, and I’d think to myself, “this looks so easy…”

Now I realize, after being stuck practicing “do,re,mi” for three days, that o boy…this thing no be yam o……

But I guess that’s the way things are….I’m trying to find ways to keep my cute posterior busy during my upcoming break…guitar lessons hopefully, capoeira classes,

*At this point I have to stop…one of my room mates went running this morning, & since he got back in he’s refused to go have a bath!!! God bless me, what a stench!!!!

*moving on**

working on my final year project…anything to keep my mind occupied… and, if you’re a true follower of my blog, you may wanna ask “what about ‘her’???” ….well, I guess it’s time I say it…

We broke up. And no, it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

WAIT!!!!! This isn’t what the Morning’s Musing is supposed to be about!!!

O….I don’t even remember what my original reason for this morning’s blog was about…..

Well, my exams start up next week Tuesday….pray for your Panda people…

Now, I’m going back to sleep…

10:31 AM.

So as I’m typing this, im thinking about how maybe I should actually have gone to church today. I mean, how long can any right minded individual go being angry with God? Ok, maybe angry is a rather strong way to put it, but im upset sha. And how long can I go on like this?

You may be wondering whats going on, and why im upset with God… you won’t really be able to understand. And somehow or the other, it’s not a story I’m in the mood to tell today.

So I’m just in my room, in GeekMode so early in the morning… but the book ain’t really entering like that… and my chest hurts…

Whatever…I’ll be aight…

1:14 PM

I’m in this bus headed home, listening to Robin Thicke’s Sex Therapy album. Quite interesting. My earphones are bad….but it’s aight. I’m trying to forget how much I hate being cooped up in these things… but anyways….homeward bound I am…

Location : Address not available

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>The Inner Masochist

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It’s funny how, sometimes, we just refuse to learn. We see the results of the bullshit we’re about to get ourselves into, but with just a (possibly non existent ) glimmer of hope, we behave like fools. We put ourselves through stuff that could’ve been avoided, mental stress, heartache……and all for what? If it was so obvious from the first instance that what you were about to do was a bad idea, then why did you get into it in the first place? There was obviously a part of your rational thinking mind that rang the alarm…what happened? Why didnt you pay attention, save yourself the misery. Save yourself having to think to yourself, “What the hell was I thinking???”

I’m starting to believe that in every human being, there’s an element of masochism. Whether it’s physical or not. Whether, like me, you like a little bit of pain, or you actually like to cause yourself emotional torture. We all, every single one of us, like to torture ourselves…

But why? Do we get some form of pleasure by seeing ourselves like this? I sincerely hope not. As i type this, I’m sitting in a car, waiting for a babe who has started to piss me off again. I spent the night with her, safe to say that nothing, at all, turned out the way I planned.. it was like, everything that could go wrong, did. And I knew that there was a very good chance that something wrong would happen. It was just…..I don’t even know what it was. I guess a part of me just hoped this time would be different. But it wasn’t. And just like clockwork, I’m  irritated. And her attitude doesn’t help matters. If anything, it makes it worse. And now, she’s asking me if I’m “okay”…this is funny.

But I did this to myself. I could’ve done me. The way I always do me. Maybe I’d have been good if I didn’t have any expectations. In a way, I’m starting to realize that, before you can get to the point where you actually trust a person to the point where you can expect anything from them on any issue, it takes quite a lot of self proving.

A lot of people think I’m a douchebag when I tell them that I don’t go out searching for friends, and anyone that wants to be friends with me will have to prove themselves to be worth my time. But in my defense, I’ve come to realize that I’m actually good peoples. And more often than not, if anyone’s gonna screw up, it’s not gonna be me. And I’ve gotten my hopes up about people so many times, only to be disappointed.

Sometimes, I wish I could explain myself philosophically the way my bro Remy does…lol… I’d give some quote by someone really confounding…

But the truth of how I feel right now, is that I could’ve avoided being in a shit mood right now. And as with all people, pain can usually easily be avoided. But do we ever listen to that voice inside that’s telling us “No man!!! Don’t do it!!!” ? No we don’t. ‘Cos deep down, in everyone of us, we just wanna be able to hope against hope, that everything’ll be ok. Even when we know that if they don’t turn out okay, we’re in for a shit load of pain, or anger, or disappointment… and we also know that the chances of things going ass up are higher than the chances of it being aight…but we frigging do it anyways…we do it because..shit….. I have no idea why we do it. Maybe we like hurting ourselves…maybe deep inside, there’s a masochist lurking in everyone of us…

Location : Address not available

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