Category Archives: utter stupidity.

Pineapples Are The Most Delicious Munchies Food When You’re High…

And I’m not just saying that… Have you ever tasted a piece of pineapple sliced open on a warm Sunday afternoon  in the middle of March when you were higher than the temperature would have been in Maiduguri with the appetite of a mutant with the power of the sun imploding within him?

Me either, but I’ve been told it’s completely awesome.

It’s like an explosion of flavor going off in the back of your throat (any silly comments about this and your dog gets it), or like a sudden change that has you seeing music and hearing color…


Social Media Illiteracy.

The preponderance of illiteracy, or in this case, deliberate stupidity which has been observed over the internet, at least via social media, is alarming. And I consider it a public service to every one, to complain.
That being said,
HABA! WHAT IS IT NAH!
Don’t get me wrong. This is not about people dropping gbagauns of epic proportions all over Facebook and Twitter. Neither is it about people who are actually semi-illiterate, but still imagine that they’re going to be the “valid victorians” of their classes. I will not be insulting them today. Their “low selves of steam” may not be able to take it. 😐
No. This is about these idiots on Twitter that have decided to waste the money their parents have spent providing them with an education.
I started noticing this madness on my birthday last year. Whilst some people were saying “Happy Birthday” like normal individuals, some people decided to tweet “HBD @CapoeiraPanda”.
I thought it was a joke then. Till I saw the same thing on other people’s TL on their birthdays.
Then on Christmas Day, I saw MCM (Merry Christmas) on my TL and on Facebook. Of course, on January 1st, it was HNY (Happy New Year).
At this point, I had to complain. I mean I was confused. Was it that they were trying to conserve their 140 characters? Were their thumbs hurting? So they couldn’t type out the full thing? Were they suffering from severe cases of acute stupidity?
But it hasn’t ended there o.
Now, people write HNM (Happy New Month), and GM (Good Morning). Someone actually wrote “HMD to my lovely mum”. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY?!? Was that so hard to write? I mean, if you can’t spare the energy to wish your MOTHER a happy mother’s day, then I doubt she’s really happy to be a mother to such an olodo child. *sigh*
Today, is April Fools Day, as I’m sure you may have noticed. And @DemiladeR complained that someone sent him a message on BBM saying “HAFD Demilade.” I just cannot.
I’m starting to wonder who taught these people english in secondary school. The gateman perhaps? I’m guessing the bus driver also doubled as the school principal? No? Just guessing.
I think.the problem is that people are taking this “I’m on the internet, I can type informally” thing a bit too far. Your being on the internet, does not mean you should write like someone that has the IQ of a blade of grass. Even the “140 characters isn’t enough.” Excuse doesn’t really work for me. I’m not saying that it’s not a valid reason o. I know there may not be enough space to write. I also know that there are some globally accepted abbreviations like LOL, LMAO, LWKM, TGIF, WYCDTU, TMI, etc… But there should be limits to all this fuckery.
And recently, I’ve started seeing things like LWTMB (laugh wan tear my belle), LWMMC (laugh wan make me cum), LWCMO (laugh wan commot my ovaries)
What in the name of God is this?
I’m fed.
I think some of these people should be sued my the minister of education, for alleging to have attended schools in Nigeria.
I’m just tired.
Please, if you’re a friend of mine, or we follow each other on Twitter, and you so happen to take this post personal (ie, you actually type this way, I’ve made you feel like you possess all the intelligence of a doorknob and so you’re upset); please feel free to locate the nearest and most fertile patch of concrete in your immediate vicinity, and plant your head in it. Maybe some common sense may germinate. Because I don’t understand what is wrong with you.
If you do not engage in this disturbing manner of writing, please, spread the word to the people whom you know do. Tell them that it is pure stupidity, and they need to stop it. It shows nothing but ignorance. And acts that are repeated form the basis of habit. Most of these people are either undergraduates, or actual graduates. Let’s act like it. It’s bad enough that people say Nigerian universities produce washed up graduates. Let’s stop proving them right. Even if “it’s just Twitter”.
MIDTMO (me I don talk my own)

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>Grenades, Scapegoats, & Other Measures of Madness.

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Lately, Bruno Mars is one of my favorite singers. (I can just see some of the chics reading this. You’ve seen Bruno Mars & you’re happy like a puppy  with two tails.)

Anyways, Bruno Mars. That dude’s voice is….AMAZING! It’s hard to describe. And of course, he has some good song writers that write with him (What? You were thinking he writes all his songs alone? Sorry to disappoint you) so, when you have the dude singing songs like “Just The Way You Are”, you know that’s talent you’re hearing right there.

But there’s one song in particular I’m thinking about.

“Grenade”

That song seems to have caused a lot of problems for gentlemen all around me. That buffoon of a boy that’s always wearing cap up & down decided to go & sing “I would catch a grenade for ya, throw my head on a blade for ya, I’d jump in front of a train for ya…..” I think we all know how the lyrics to this song go.

Now, according to @SNN_Headlines, women have now started requiring their husbands, boyfriends and toasters to perform acts of intense madness – such as catching grenade – in order to prove their love for them.

Well, as an unrepentant member of the “Single & Wayward” community (along with some of my brothers such as @mr_1saac, @ThePervNerd, @amosquito4eva, @NanuDiei, @shollylolly & co), this recent disturbance doesn’t disturb me. I mean, any girl that is expecting me to catch grenade for her… *pauses for a minute to laugh like a mad man* … I’m telling you ehn, I go first off all my cloth before I start to dey swear for the half bag of goat!

But really, nowadays, guys are always very afraid to be around women when that song starts playing. A friend of mine got dumped two weeks after the song came out. Two weeks! His girlfriend came to see him one day, dressed in the sexiest dress he’d ever seen. She came in, cooked for him and all.. this dude was wondering what was going on. But well, he saw his girl, a lot of good food – good sex & good food – *smh* the poor fool never even saw anything coming. One minute he was asking “innocently”, why she was being so nice to him that day, the next thing he knew, (according to him) it had turned to her shouting & asking what he’d do for her to prove his love,& would he catch a grenade for her? Now, my poor friend hadn’t heard the song at this point, & he hadn’t the foggiest what this girl was talking about. So of course he laughed and asked, “Why in God’s name would I wanna do that?”

That was how, ladies & gents, this dude pressed the proverbial mad woman’s breast (while ensuring that he’d never again touch his girlfriend’s breasts). The poor guy ended up wearing all the good food that she cooked for him, along with some makeup that looked very much like five fingers laid very neatly across both cheeks.

I felt so sorry for the guy, that I decided to get Bruno Mars’ album, & listen to the song myself. By the way, “Doowops and Hooligans” is a really good album..

But you see, being the kind of guy that I am, I listened to the song very well, to try & understand this new source of male sorrow. I listened to it, and I realized something that most babes have conveniently decided to forget. The end of the chorus goes: “Yes I would die for you baby, but you wouldn’t do the same.”

Interesting ain’t it? Isn’t it quite easy for womenfolk to neglect that part of the song???

The entire song, from the very beginning is about a babe that was just using our guy to catch trips. The dude was there being a mugu in love, meanwhile the babe was using him to play. Part of it goes “Gave you all I had & you tossed it in the trash”. Doesn’t this seem very familiar to somebody reading this??

And have you seen the video to the song?? Oya lemme narrate it for you, just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few months.

So, the basic plot of the video is that, Bruno is dragging a piano somewhere. We’re not totally sure where. All we know is, that piano is heavy, & this dude has attached ropes to it, & he’s dragging it. He takes it across many roads, over a bridge…he sha drags it. At some point, some heavily tattooed guy is yelling in his face, telling him to stop this bullshit, amongst other things (at least so I presume, since we couldn’t hear what the dude was saying). You know what that reminds me of? It reminds me of myself. Telling one of my guys to free a babe cos she was just using him to catch trips. It reminds me of every guy who’s ever, in the spirit of “Bro-hood” ever tried to warn his guy, but ended up ignored.

Anyways, so he finally drags the piano to the front of a house, & this fine chic comes out to the window, but she doesn’t see him. It’s obvious that he dragged the piano to play for her, cos a smile lights up on his face as soon as he sees her. And just as he’s about to sit & play, some dude joins the babe at the window, & she turns round and gives him some quality frenching!

Shet!!!! I swear I almost died!!! After all the stress, the babe was cheating on him?!?! To say na me ehn, na there we for die! No be say anything o! I for kee everybody there!

But Mr. Mars? He simply turns round, &  starts dragging his piano back. He drags it do a train track, & is hit by a train,  piano & all.

Now, I’m sure we all know someone (cos I’m sure nobody’s ever going to admit to being a mugu once upon a time) who was like Mr. Mars at some point. Some babe was always using him to do anyhow. Meanwhile, this dude was forming lover man all over town.

Is this what our women are trying to do to us???

I wee not gree o! Ehen!

Any girl that wants me to catch grenade for her, & is not ready to chop at least two bullets for me, is a  big joker. Ahan! Kilode?!?

In this 2011, there shall be no grenade catching for anybody. In fact, if them throw stone sef I wee not catch. In fact, as I told one babe that asked me about grenade catching, “I can help you hold the grenade pin. You keep the rest.” *hiss* …..That regular thing that babes do when, they’ll enter the club & be talking anyhow to some dude. When gbege come bust, na me them go come meet say “Panda did you see what that guy did? Panda do something! Panda is this how you’ll let him disrespect me?” Mehn babe you’re completely on your own o! I no fit go swallow panadol for you after you carry your own head go knack for ground!

And I blame all these ridiculous expectations on those singers. They’ll sit down & write one silly song so that they can sell. Meanwhile, they forget that they’re putting the rest of us in trouble. I mean, even D’Banj sef is guilty. Now women don dey find “scapegoat” up & down. Me I cannot be anybody’s scapegoat o! Don’t go and dull o.

Anyways sha. This is just a disclaimer o. In 2011, if you’re looking for a scapegoat, or somebody that’ll catch grenade for you, don’t look at Panda o….you’ve definitely come to the wrong place.

Please, fellas. Look very well at the girl you’re proclaiming love for o! If she’s using your head anyhow, open your eyes o! Don’t bring that bullshit “love is blind” nonsense in 2011. Let your love wear glasses if it has to. Before you will go and catch grenade for nothing. Ladies, I advise you to do this as well…

Ehen..

Disclaimer: If at any point in time, I actually told you that I would do anything of the foolish sort for you, I must have been drunk, stoned out of my mind, or possibly both. And statements made under the influence can not be held against me in the court of law…at least I don’t think so.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.


The Naija Blonde.

I JUST CAN’T ANYMORE!!!!!

I’m really confused. What is it with girls, who think that their pretty faces give them an excuse to be all daft???

These days, the term for a lot of girls (I’d call them women, but that’d be an insult to real women so…) in Lagos is “Naija Blonde”. Cos mehn, the level of stupidity among them is frightening! And speaking about being blonde, has anyone noticed how many “girls” these days, refer to themselves as “Black Barbie”???

I’m a bit confused here. Is it that most of these girls don’t realize that one of the biggest qualities that Barbie had/has been the fact that the light bulb on her mental porch wasn’t particularly bright??? She always had to run to “Ken” for help (who in my opinion was just as dimwitted for being in a relationship with such an expired carton of unintelligence). Why in the name of everything holy would anyone want to be the “black version” of that??? I don’t get it!!!

Case: So this very pretty girl walks into the library – It’s that section of the library where people can bring in their laptops, so they can browse and get their work done – So, I’m looking like, hmmm…who’s this pretty young thing??? Thankfully, I’m looking real fly in this lilac shirt and purple paisley tie, so I look her straight in the eye & say hi with a smile on (anyone notice the rhymes?? J)

First of all, the olodo of a child barely even says hi back. That one irritated me right away! I mean me!!! Na wa o…wharris going on in this life??? Anyways, so she brings her laptop in, and – after doing me anyhow – she asks if I can help her sort out her connection. This is the conversation that follows:

Dumb Girl: Hey, em, please could you help me? I wanna connect my lappy.

Panda: O. No wahala. That dude over there is sharing a wifi connection.

DumbGirl: (With a confused look on her face) A what?

Panda: A wifi connection.

DumbGirl: (Looks even more confused) ehn??

Panda: (An exasperated look on my face) a wireless connection.

DumbGirl: O. So how do I get it?

*I point at the laptop that’s connected to the LAN port*

DumbGirl: But there’s no-one there!

Panda: I mean… (Another exasperated look shows up) I mean the connection is being shared off that pc. Oya turn on your wifi.

DumbGirl: My what??

*my head is starting to hurt*

Panda: The wireless on your laptop dear.

DumbGirl: Oh. (With a look that says the light bulb on her mental porch has finally reached half current) alright then.

//two minutes elapse as she attempts to turn on her pc & put on her wifi.//

DumbGirl: Ok it’s on. What should I do now?

*I’m trying my best to not tell her to carry the laptop and use it as a tray in her house, since she obviously lacks the requisite intelligence to use it properly.*

Panda: Search for a network. It’s called ******

//Two minutes later//

DumbGirl: I can’t find it o!

Panda: Is your wifi on??

DumbGirl: Yes it is.

*O for fuck sake!!! I get up*

Panda: Oya bring it.

Now, would you believe that this idiot hadn’t turned on her wifi?!?!?!

Panda: But your wifi isn’t on!

DumbGirl: O……sorry….thank you sha.

*sigh*

At this point in time, all possible attraction that may have existed on a mental level (which in some instances is more important than the physical) has been blasted with a disintegration ray gun. And she’s beginning to look less pretty. I mean, it’s hard to find someone attractive when you keep seeing donkey ears on their head…

I just can’t.

@imMiSsChYliB (an intelligent female friend of mine) told me that some women think that behaving dumb will make guys a bit more attracted to them. Like, a guy is gonna pick a chic that looks like Rosario Dawson but with the brain of a 2 year old kid with Down’s Syndrome, over a simple, somewhat attractive but not jaw dropping woman, who is intelligent and has her wits about her.

Really?? Is that what these girls are being taught in that “secret school” which we men have no idea exists??? If that’s what they teach, then mothers better go and collect their money back o! They are being scammed!!!

There is not one guy alive, who would do such an intensely brainless thing. The only way that would happen, was if all he was interested in was a quick shag or two. And if possible, no cuddling afterwards.

A dumb girl that’s always in need of help spells only one thing: L.I.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y (spell it with me people). And the last time I checked, we fellas don’t want those, we want assets (& by this I don’t just mean big behinds, even though that may be a plus)

So let me clarify. We do not like dumb women. Being stupid will only attract niggas that’ll shag you & then leave. Every real man (and I say “real” cos there’s a lot of fake fools out there) wants a woman with a good head on her shoulders; who will be able to handle herself when there’s some kinda trouble. We wanna be your shoulder to lean on, not to be carrying the full weight that comes with a wooden head!

So please, ladies, be pretty. But in all your getting pretty, please get smart as well. Remember that you attract to yourself, people that are a reflection of the kind of person that you are. So, if the only dudes that wanna date you are dumb niggas………

#ThatIsAll.