Summer P Setting 101 (Part 4)

*taps blackboard*

Good day everyone. Sorry I’m late for class. The rain really got in my way today. But anyways…
So last week was very… interesting to say the least. Professor MadHaus spoke to you all about handling unforeseen circumstances, and we had quite an interesting discussion afterwards…
So, I think you’ve been given all the rudimentary knowledge you need to set and conduct a sensible P. However, there’s some other things you need to know, to make sure you don’t screw things up in your pursuit of a good P. I have called on Professor Tuns to explain them to you… she’s a very no-nonsense lecturer, so you’ll have to pay attention.

Summer P Setting: Best Practices (by Professor Tuns)

Hello Class….
You! What’s that your name? @ThePervNerd? Whatever! My friend will you sit down!? Where do you think you are? Twitter?
Ehen… Now, I believe between your last three lecturers, you already know what setting P means.
If after the last three classes, you don’t know the meaning, chai. I suggest you go and wash your head somewhere. Because I don’t see what kind of hope you have. Surely your brain must look like a basket or something…
Okay, that was a bit unfair… but the truth is bitter. 

Now, the point of today’s class is to make sure you all understand the best practices for a good, well set summer P. You can’t just go and be setting P anywhere belle face o. You need to do it right.
First of all, I must also warn you all, setting P is not for people in relationships oh. Especially for my ladies in this class. Yes, yimu all you want. But summer P is meant for those single children who have no responsibilities… (Shet… I used to be like that once o… lucky bastards…anyways.)

Be Sure Of What Your Potential P-Partner Looks Like
I know everybody likes to pretend that looks don’t really matter, but who are we lying to? Do you want to set P with somebody that you’ll need to get really drunk to shag? *hiss* Looks don’t matter ko… tell that to the guy who has set P with a dwarf. (I know somebody…shhh!)
Don’t be deceived by avatars and BBM display pictures.
Fellas, you attended Dr. Mrs Oluwadrake’s class. You know all the gimmicks girls can play. Find out what she really looks like o! Asking for a picture may be stressful. I Know that a lot of girls find it offensive when a guy says ‘send me your picture’… well, I find it offensive.
But as a professional online stalker with years of experience under my belt, I advise you use Facebook. Facebook is the most useful tool when you want to see the various dimensions of someone.
It’s normal that people will only put up very good pictures of themselves on their dp’s… but on Facebook, you will find pictures of them tagged by other people. They can’t always pretend. Besides, there’s always Skype. No? Yes?
The point is, do your research well. Make you no go set P thinking you are meeting Idris Elba, only to reach Silverbird and see Ayefele.
*choi, Father forgive me*

Don’t Be An INEC
INEC stands for –I NEver Chop.
Ladies, please respect yourselves.
Because the guy manage hold money carry you to eat, doesn’t mean it’s an all-you-can-eat affair.
Don’t order for food that will feed your entire village, and please! Don’t ask for take-away after you don chop clean mouth (again, I know one or two girls like this).
Eat food that you know o! Before your stomach will start doing windeck when it’s time for action to start.
Don’t go and be forming and then order for something just cos the name sounds nice. Remember say na over sabi dey kill monkey.
Offer to at least pick up part of the bill. Well, this part is not really compulsory sha…
Please I beg you in the name of anything that matters to you, if you cannot use fork and knife, please don’t pretend… just jejely drop the knife and use only the fork, better still, ask for a spoon.
If you are not eating out and he asks you to cook, if you can not, just politely decline after-all you are there to gbensh not cook.

Don’t Make It All About The Sex
Yes, I get you are there to kpox till you go blind, but there is no harm in doing other things.
Talk, have a good conversation. Well, unless of course the guy or the girl na gbagaun champion. In that case, less talk would be a better option.
Get to know each other. This is important because you never know who the other person is. You can be related, he/she can be an alien, he/she can be your sister’s boyfriend.
Play games, see a movie…babes don’t go and be lying on someone’s bed like a robot just pressing blackberry all night. If the guy vex bounce you na your own be that o.

No Double Standards
If you’re somebody that likes to carry “I sabi God pass you” on your head, well this is not for you. The truth is, the moment you signed that pre-coital contract, and agreed to have mindless sex with another human being is the same moment you forfeited your position in heaven and signed into block C, room 5, ground floor in hell fire.
So you can as well enjoy it while you are at it or just jejely turn back home and repent.
Don’t be sucking on some-ones pussy and be thinking ‘is it this same mouth I will use to receive holy communion’ or be sucking on some-ones dick and be thinking ‘this hand that I always use to hold micro-phone in the choir’…nba, there is no way you can give good head while thinking such holy thoughts.
If you have started, please, enjoy it and don’t use your alanta to spoil another person’s summer P o…

Play Good P Setting Music
This is very important. You need good music to set the mood. Please, you need to take this seriously. Don’t say because Terry G is your favourite artiste, that’s what you’ll play when you want to kpansh. And if you’re one of those people that just set your media player on random, if you’re in the middle of one kinky position and Kirk Franklin starts singing “my life is in your hands”, e don be for you o. Select your music wisely.

Practice Safe Sex
I can never over emphasize this one. Listen well o; Alabukun is dangerous to your health ladies, so also is Schweppes and alum.
AIDS no dey show for face.
The cost of treating an STD is more than the cost of condoms. And speaking of condoms, I think we’ve said this quite enough times *holds ear*: Gold Circle is not allowed o!
Oral sex is dangerous too.
Check that gala best before date before you put in your mouth.
If you smell something fishy, don’t think that one is normal o, don’t try yourself.
And eh, if you are not comfortable with giving head *yimu*, politely decline. But don’t expect any either sha.

Don’t Be Selfish
Guys, women want to enjoy the sex as much as you do.
Ask if you do not know what or how to do it.
Ladies tell him how to touch you. I know you’re not there to teach, but well, you’re there to have good sex and not count ceiling.
Read the other person’s body language, if the pum-pum is no longer wet, its time to either stop, or to touch and get her aroused all over again.
Don’t just keep pounding into her as if you want to sell iyan in White House from her pum-pum.
Know what other person wants and don’t go trying stunts that can land you at Igbobi Hospital. We’re not trying to re-write the Kama Sutra here (Not like I’ve read it or anything *polishes halo*)
If you must spank, do it gently (unless otherwise stated) make you no go receive back-hand.
Unless the other person is screaming “harder!”, always be gentle.
Boobs are not feeding bottles; don’t go chewing on them nipples as if you’ll soak them in hot water after.
If your cum face is unusual or really strange, please try and hint it… you don’t want the other person thinking you are having an epileptic fit, or that you’re a descendant of Ayamatanga.

Don’t Catch Feelings
I know ladies tend to get attached after a long night of great sex… some guys do too. But remember, you both agreed to just ‘set-P’ and not date or court or whatever. And if you signed that agreement Professor Jibs drew out for you, well, all contracts are binding in a court of law abi? Don’t be leaving the next morning blackmailing the dude with crocodile tears. Guys don’t be asking who she’s talking to on the phone and calling ‘baby’. Who is your baby? Ogbeni face front o jare!
There are times that P has lead to serious relationship, but it’s not all the time. Slow down, no be by force.
Don’t go making anyone feel bad… you are an adult, you set the P yourself. And as Dr Mrs Oluwadrake said, if you can’t handle the P, don’t set it!

Alright then. If you follow what I’ve outlined for you above, you should be able to have a good time without entering any kasala.

Class Dicussion: What other things should fall under “best practices” for a well enjoyable summer P?

Summer P Setting 101 (Part 3)

Good morning everyone. Welcome back to SPS101, taught by the School of Play. As always, I’m Professor Panda. Where’s the class governor?? Ehen… @buzzbebe, oya take attendance. You people should settle down jare.
Alright. Last week, Dr. Mrs. Oluwadrake delivered a good lecture on setting P from the ladies’ end. I’m sure y’all learned something.
So, being as we all know how to set P now, it’s time to examine what we do when the P has been set.
Things can always go wrong. And we at the School of Play are here to teach you what to do to ensure nothing goes out of your control (well…erm… okay.)
Anyways, to talk to you about handling unforeseen circumstances, I’ve called upon a very distinguished P setter. One of our great lecturers, Professor MadHaus (@JCphoenixx).
He’s an old man so…he can’t shout too much. Listen up! And take notes!

Handling Unforeseen Circumstances (by Professor MadHaus)

All ‘P’rotocols observed.

Hello humans! Before I begin, I’d like to perform a head count. The world WAS supposed to end last week right? No? everyones here? Shit…bloody mayans. Now im going to have to beg for my job back.
ANYWAYS…
Im Professor MadHaus, I’m going to take your advanced topic in SPS101. I presume everyone here has successfully understood the previous topics? Okay… lets p-roceed.

So the hard part is over. 69% of her followers were trying to get in her pants, male, female and spambot alike. But you were the chosen one. You’ve made the journey from public timeline to her private, direct messaging timeline, and in the near future, you should have yourself tweeting all over her pubic timeline….
Or not.
You cannot claim to have successfully “Set-p” with an individual until you have actually “set-P” IN the individual (get me?). Therefore, you must guard your P with all diligence.. Write this down, “the goal of p-setting is copulation.” Be it once twice or all summer long.
Theres always a risk of something going wrong at the last minute. A misplaced word, an afterthought, unwanted guests, all designed to pour sand sand in your garri. Like we said, “unforeseen circumstances”. Today we will examine a few of these factors…

1. Parents
Scientific name: “Maale and Popsie”.
Threat level- Dangerous.

You’ve done everything right so far. You’ve said all the right things. You’ve set a date, met up for drinks, pretended to be interested in whatever she/he had to say, now its time to close the deal. You get home, skip past the initial “forming” stage, zoom past the awkward “pretending to watch a movie” phase, and you proceed to jump each other and exchange huge slimy gobs of saliva. Now theres clothes strewn all over the floor, and you’re showing her why your friends call you “the sultan of burantashi”. Suddenly the door opens, and you hear a loud voice go “What is going on here?!?”
There are 3 types of parents.

• The Open minded one: this parent believes that such experiences are just part of the growth of the child, so he will close the door and go to the living room to wait for you two to come out at your own pace. He will ask you questions about your family and school, or work, and if you answer satisfactorily you’re on point.

• The “prayer warrior”: he/she will rain holy ghost fire upon your family, drag you off his daughter by your ear or member, and kabash the demons out of the two of you, before sending you home with the sting of “abara” buzzing on your back.

•  The killer: when confronted with one of these, avoid eye contact, and LOSE THAT ERECTION! (its like a red cloth to a bull. Makes them madder) Scan the room for the nearest window or point of exit, and jump out. However, if your goal in life is to die of strangulation, with a woman beside you, then you can chill…(I’ve always wondered… if you take erectile enhancing products like Viagra and stuff, how long after you’re dead would your boner last? But that’s besides the point.)

Nigerian parents generally fall into the latter two categories, so it’s important that you make sure they’re far far away from your activities and… groove on.

2. Demons
Scientific name: “familiarus cockblockerus”
Threat level: Very Dangerous

I mean… What kind of normal human being will be gainfully employed, or happy with life, and agree to tag along with her friend to see a guy you don’t know from Adam? Unless you’re a paid bodyguard, then it makes sense. But even then you have to stay outside…
These demons are just out to make everything awkward and weird. What do you do with them? Do you leave her in your living room while you teach her friend how to dougie? She’s usually ugly and suspect looking, so you don’t even feel safe leaving her alone in any part of your house. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t be allowed in a 12 mile radius of your abode… But then.. things we do for love.. Or lust.
Dealing with a cockblocking demon is easy.
Repeat after me: “Block the cockblocker.”
Every guy should have that one friend that can charm the socks out of anyone. They make fantastic wingmen as they can keep the plus one occupied while you zero in on the subject of your attraction.. Unleash your friend on the demon. Let him keep her occupied, as long as you know you’re going to settle him later (we call it “taking one for the team”). If you’re very lucky, the two could hit it off so well that you have yourself a nice little party going on in your house….. its summer! Groove on!

Pause
But Professor MadHaus, cockblockers are not restricted to the babe’s friends o. Sometimes, it may be someone close to you sef. In fact eh, Dr. Skilla (@SheriphSkills) gave a good case study on this last session. Shall I share it with them? Ok.

Cockblocker Case Study (by Dr. Skilla)
So I’ve been tracking this babe for a while, toasted her like bread. As in ehn, if she was actually toast bread, she for don burn. Don’t get me wrong, this babe was a hard nut to crack. Even my nuts went blue from all the times she turned me down. But! After several dates with no action afterwards, I was about to give up till we went to the movies and saw “No Strings Attached” (if you’ve seen that movie, you’ll know there are enough kpoxing scenes in it….I think that did the trick.) I least expected the trick fate played on me when she insisted she followed me home after the movie as she was horny. But just like that, P was set, and the penalty for dulling is death by beheading so…
Fast forward to my house and the room mate is around…*sigh* Richard my room mate was a born again by the way, so I had to device a plan to send him on arodan (journey of no end) … but I was short of ideas, and it was late. Shet. Discharging was gonna be hard. Konji wasn’t smiling at me, and the money I don invest on this babe don dey enter astronomical proportions….o,k maybe I exaggerated but I spend sha. This opportunity just couldn’t fit pass me by sha.
So what to do?
I faked a phone call, saying his “Spiri-Koko” girlfriend wanted to see him for a prayer session at hers, which he obliged sharply as both of them be prayer warriors. My guy left immediately. I locked the door from inside.
The rest day say, is history. The guy knock tire, I just give sound system bele, come form not hearing. It was a memorable gbensh by the way, I wonder why the babe dey hoard her kini sef.
Death to cock blockers.

Alright Prof. MadHaus, as you were saying jare.

Alright, now that Professor Panda has successfully distracted my class *SideEye*, let’s go to the last factor to consider.

3. Husbands/Boyfriends
Threat level: Potentially Fatal

Its not every chick that flirts and plays with you that is single oh. Never assume. It’ll surprise you the number of chicks in lonely relationships with old men or boyfriends that are just looking for excitement. If for any reason you’re Caught in The act with another man’s woman, well… You had it coming didn’t you?

I’m An old man, I can’t lecture as long as I’d like to anymore. I need to use the toilet, so…

Class Discussion: what other unexpected occurences Could Damage your p-setting, and how do you deal with them?

Summer P Setting 101 (Part 2)

*taps blackboard*

Good day class. I see some of you (like @KevinWithAnL) got here early. Good. I’m sorry we couldn’t be here yesterday. No excuses, let’s just move on.

So, my co-lecturers and I decided that the lecture on unforeseen circumstances should be postponed. We feel like we owe our female students an education on P-setting as well. Both guys and girls should be able to set P effectively…no?

So, to talk to you all about ladies’ setting that P, I’ve invited Dr. Mrs. Oluwadrake (@exschoolnerd) to talk to you. She has vast knowledge in this area, after setting many a P for herself, and having taught many women how to set their P effectively. So pay attention o!

Summer “P” Setting for Ladies (by Dr. Mrs. Oluwadrake)

*Clears Throat*

I just recently found out the meaning of ‘Setting P’. Like Professor Jibs, I thought it meant “setting penis”. And in a way it does actually…at one point some penis setting will be necessary, abi? Ooooookay, moving on..

Girls set p too o! Not as much as guys do but they do and this is just something to help the lady P-setters set their P even better.

Now, just in case you’ve forgotten already, P-setting is an understanding between you and your potential “P” partner that y’all just want to have mindless sex. It’s not a relationship, there will be no crying when you see him use different girls as his BBM DP and never you, there will no “Awalamey!!! So he just used me sha!”, when you see him flirting with other girls ….he will also not nag you when you use another dude’s picture as your DP, or ‘shine muscle’ anytime he sees “CYDM” on his timeline to some other dude…no, no, no. It’s not a relationship it’s a fling…if u can’t handle the “P” don’t set it…SHIKENA!

Not understanding this and jumping into it can lead to scrunchmunching and yansh opening twitter fights….you don’t wanna go down there!

Now I, your able professor will be lecturing you on how to conduct yourself as you embark on this ‘p setting’ mission. What to wear, what to take over for a night of movies, wine, good food…. Yeah who are we kidding? It’s for a night of maximum kpanshing.

There are many ways to ‘Set P’, but Twitter and BBM have made it easier. As a fine girl, all you gotta do is put up that avatar. You have that pout down just right, not too weak, yet not too “odinabarbie-ish”… you wear that low neck top that emphasizes your assets real good… and the finishing move… the “Sandra-pose” (Sandra got like 100 followers in a day after that picture. Don’t dull.)

So yeah, you have your sexy avatar up and them guys start hollering…From the lame with lines like “Hi I am Determination. I am 26, responsible young man who finished from Ajamilokpa University. Can I get to know you better? …To the trying too hard “If music be the food or love, play on…I think I am in love with your avatar.” …to the downright stupid “I will like to take you from the back, nice pix’ ….till the one that finally catches your eye “Don’t mean to come off as forward or anything, but those eyes….dammmn! Sexiest thing about you.” He never gives you too much attention like the other lame-os, and guess what? He focused on your eyes instead of everything else you had out there. He kinda has your interest from there…y’all start tweeting at each other… and a plus is, he’s not bad looking…. What do you know? Christmas is early.

So y’all tweet at each other, you retweet everything he tweets and add a “LOL” to it even if it’s “JUST HAD BREAKFAST”. Slowly but surely it enters DM…you know how you guys do now… y’all DM every day, getting to know each other… from DM, numbers exchange….from numbers, you arrange a meeting… P IS SET! PLAY BALL!!!!!

*Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.*

So, you are going over to his house…
1. Look Good: You roped him in with your sexy avatar, now he’s gonna see you live and direct, not looking hot is not even an option.

2 .Wear The Right Underwear:  If u are like me, you have underwear for different periods. You have those ones that are just right for when you are on your period (granny panties), you have the ones that are just normal good girl looking panties; the kind you want your mum to think you still wear. You have the thongs/G-strings that just leaves everything out there, and you have the lacy sexy panties. Biko! On no account should you wear your period payint for this kind of loloxing o! If there’s a lil’ freak in you, you’ll probably have one of those crotch less panties (I don’t have one ooooo! EHEN! *rotates halo*). They allow for easy access and they are downright slutty and bad…but if you don’t wanna come off as slutty just grab them lacy sexy panties and you are good to go.

3.  Gbomo Gbomo Bags:  You know all those massive handbags that are in vogue? That can successfully conceal a small child? You need yourself one of those. There will be no nylon carrying…are you going to your village?  Ample room for all the essentials…make-up….just in case during the intense kpanshing the sweat wipes off what you have on, and you tend to bear a striking resemblance to a scarecrow without it on (its paramount that you have it with you so you can excuse yourself n just touch up for round
two, nobody wants to make love to a scarecrow. It can make a dick limp faster than u can say ‘shokolokobangoshe’)….extra clothes for your walk of shame….
Some condoms….e.g. Durex, Lifestyle, just in case he’s a gold circle kind of guy (God forbid! Gold Circle is not an option) Sex toys, if u have any…..

4. Carry Vex Money
Like really, in this day and age, any girl who doesn’t hold vex money deserves whatever she gets. How dare you not be prepared for the unforeseen? What if his girlfriend that you didn’t know about and he wasn’t expecting comes around unannounced? While she’s trying to break his head, that’s if she doesn’t face you first, do u think that’ll be the right time to ask him for cab money? No dear! You pick your pata from the ground, slowly wear it, grab your belongings and you run as fast as your legs can take you. Cause the bitch might just be carrying a small container of acid in her bag and is ready to baptize you with it. You run and you find yourself a cab. It could be something else… maybe you didn’t do something he wanted and the jerk goes apeshit on you and throws you out of his house…then what? If you have a car, fine! But vex money always comes in handy. So *holding ears* carry ya  what? Carry ya vex money oooooo.

5. Shave Your Pumpum:

Don’t be carrying no okija forest to anybody’s house. Now most guys have preferences though…but the best way to go is the ‘bald look’….no Mohawk nonsense…..just go bald and make sure the pum pum smells pleasant as it should.

6.  This is not your boyfriend; he is not your friend. So farting, or taking a dump at his place is a nono. You better hold that shit in (no pun intended) till you get home if you wanna be seeing more p-setting days in your future…. Keep those butt muscles in check. Remember, this is strictly a summer kini. If it gets serious fine, but right now…no messing around (no pun intended I swear)

7. It’s advisable not to set-p with more than one person, but hey. Who died and made me queen of p-setting…? Carry go!!!!

Okay Ladies! I think that covers everything. Stick to these rules and enjoy a wonderful p-setting summer. 🙂

 

Alright then ladies, I hope you’ve learned something today. See you all next week.

Any questions?

Summer “P” Setting 101 (Seminar)

*Taps blackboard*

Hello everyone. Welcome back to SPS101, the four week course brought to you by The School of Play. On Monday, I believe my co-lecturer, Professor Jibs, taught you all you need to know about setting that initial “P”. Next week is when our next scheduled class on “CockBlocking and Other Unforeseen Circumstances will be coming up, so make sure you’re in class then.

So, why are we here today?

Well, although Professor Jibs has taught you how to set your P, attempting to set it is an altogether different thing from actually succeeding. There are some specific qualities that this school attempts to teach its students, I felt it would be important to highlight these qualities.

So! I’ve called this seminar, and invited the Dean of The School of Play, Professor Tools (@thetoolsman), to explain certain things which you MUST know before you attempt to set that P.

So, if you plan to be a member of The School of Play, and (in the words of Prof. Jibs) set more “P’s” than a hippopotamus, I suggest you pay attention.

Requirements of a Good “P” Setter (By Professor Tools)

*Looks About*

*aherm*

Good day people. It’s good to see so many eager potential members. Alright then, let’s get straight to the point here.

So, although I was satisfied with the last lecture, and I’m sure you all learned a lot, I believe that there is a big difference between theories and practical attempts.

Theories are good but please take note of the two most important things you require for setting P.

1. Know a little about a lot.
2. EFFORT. EFFORT. EFFORT.

People say hunting location is key. Well, yes. But more importantly, what you do there is more important. There will be a lot of parties/events this summer. You might want to sit your ass down in front of youtube and watch that Windeck video. Forget what you look like, being able to move on the dance floor will get you noticed faster than Osama in Oshodi market. So you’re as stiff as a week old gala, don’t fret. Remember rule 2? Yes, Effort. Cabo Snoop needs to be able to do the Prakatumba cause if he doesn’t, he’ll starve. Doing the ‘tumba’ is enough for you. Humour will get you far. Imagine your Daddy doing the Fuji Garbage at Rehab – there you go.

Literature
Steel writes sad stuff. Sheldon is the story teller. Collins equals porn. Chimamanda is the one, well, probably the only Nigerian author you need to know (well, for P setting purposes).

Shoes & Couture
Louboutins are not Choos. Vera Wang isn’t a place. You know what, do yourself a favor and watch Gossip girl (no one has to know)

I should talk about music and movies but I’ll leave that to you, instead, I’ll talk about something more important in these parts. I hate Nollywood and hate preys, I mean, victims, sorry, P’s who tow that line even more. But sometimes you’re knee deep before it manifests so; Ini Edo is the one who was once bald. Genevieve, well, we all know her and Dominic is the bright one always cast with the thugnificent Iyke. The guys don’t really matter but you might want to learn the names of the Ghanian ones, just because because.

Language
Learning a second language is extreme.. for most, a little sil vous plait here, a’ je taime’ there and you might have a french fling on your hands.

Invest in hobbies
My favorite is music. I play the guitar and the piano albeit the same four or five tunes but which woman won’t feel something when your vintage acoustic croons the chords of Kci & Jojo’s all my life to her. And NO, it’s not a must for you to know how to sing, key word here is still EFFORT.

Cooking does just as much as music … well more nowadays cause we have some hungry ass sisters on our hands but when it comes to kitchen skills, once again, it’s all about the effort. Order a meal as backup and then slave away in the kitchen while she’s in the room watching the newest episode of Vampire Diaries you downloaded specially for her (shoot me)… burn a few things for effect… then serve what you ordered alongside whatever you managed to conjure… listen up for that “Awwhhh…at least you gave it a shot” remark… that’s your cue… And if you’re gifted with pots and pans like myself, HUGE bonus. Fancy cooking will conveniently pass a chic through the ‘P’ needles’ eye. (Quote me)

There’s more… massages are essential bedroom skills. Here again, I’ll tell you, effort is the key word. Depends on how far you’re willing to go, you may want to take actual classes like some of our members but if you just want to “wing it”… Google and YouTube are your friends. Don’t be scared of the internet and don’t front too. Eyes on the prize… eyes on the prize…

Finally, let me talk about the end point of all of this. The P in ‘p’, the koko in kokolette, the U in Utunu (you just shot me again). Don’t get all excited about the act itself… in the words of a wise man, “sex aint nothing but the first fifty pumps – you can count”. I know, I know, you’re Mr. Pumper’s cousin, or you’re Mr Steel’s brother. Sock it. Anticipation kills. If you think less of the end result, you’re more likely to get it.

So, there you have it. Our scouts will be on the lookout for new members this summer, so here’s wishing you luck and hopefully, I’ll see you at a ‘We Play’ meeting soon.

Alright then. I hope you’ve learned something today. 

Any questions?

Summer “P” Setting 101 (Part 1)

*taps knuckle on board*

Hello everyone and welcome everyone to the first of four lectures in Summer P Setting 101 (from now, known as SPS101). I am Professor Panda.

I understand that summer is on its way, and so single fellas and ladies will be planning a period of fun. Well, I opened this school for those of you who may not possess the basic skills required for successful “P” setting. Along with a few visiting professors, I will be teaching you everything you need to know. The objective is to reduce the amount of brothers who go through the summer with a chronic case of blue balls.

Authors’ Note: If you’re gonna take anything we say in this series seriously, GO BACK TO FACEBOOK.

Thank you.

That said, I’ll be introducing our guest lecturer for today. Some of you call him @JibolaL. We’ll be calling him Professor Jibs.

Lecture 1: Setting The “P”

Setting P

Setting Pencil

Setting Prick

Setting Parole

*clears throat*

Up until a couple of hours before writing this lecture, I thought the full meaning of “Setting P” was Setting Prick/P(cat nickname here). YES, I should be shot! But think twice about shooting me sha, I’m not done with writing my first novel (I’m still on the first line).

I seriously miss the age old times when you could simply beat your chest, heft the female specie on your shoulder and take her back to your cave. The golden age when terms like “Player” “Booty Call” and possibly even “Booty Redial” were still operational words. I doubt that P-setters (hear how that sounds?) these days even make calls anymore. Now, you can get ass by simply being a funny and witty internet gangster.

I see nothing wrong with that, honestly, but surely there should be some class with these things. This is why I give a special shout-out to Professor Panda for originating this series. This is where I come in.

Finding the P

Even though I don’t see any reason why I should spend any length of time on this section, it is important. And as this is a 101 course I’ll have to go over it, albeit briefly. I have come to realize very lately, that the biggest thing about Social Media, is posturing. Posturing will set you more Ps than a Hippopotamus. Ah, see this mokwai! You’re now adjusting in your seat! See what we’re talking about? *smh* Well, you’re why we’re here.

Posturing, is simply how you’re perceived. Does she think you’re a man, a boy, one of her girls or one of them facebook people?

Keep it real.

This has nothing to do with opening a copy of Men are From Jupiter and Women are From Pluto and tweeting from it verbatim (YES, YOU. I am talking to YOU). I find it annoying and incredibly depressing that any one man would think he can get ass by tweeting Relationship Psycho-babble. Suuureee, girls will retweet it alright. But that’s it.

Here’s what’s going through her mind when she sees one of ‘those tweets’

@HotGeh69: You, go girl! RT @TweetBabalawo: The key to a woman’s heart is flowers and chocolate

And then she checks your bio and sees you’re a guy.

Oh snap.

@HotGeh69: Co-sign! RT @TweetBabalawo: The key to a woman’s heart is flowers and chocolate.

But you tweet something sincere, like:

@JibolaL: Confession: I have a Supermodel girlfriend.

This one is dicey because you can come off as cocky and might I add taken.  You’ll get replies from “LIAR” to “Let’s be clear” to “Twitpic plix”, and possibly even “So you told them about us” (Didi :P). Just check your followers 😉

So now she’s following you. You can send DMs back and forth. Don’t go Facebook on her and do something like this:

@KnacksonDauda – Hey, thx for the ff back. I’m a horny, irresponsible young man living in Lagos and I’m looking to fornicate with you. Are you game?

Do this, and you’re finished.

Location

Now that you have your “mark”, Location is everything.

There is nothing more awkward than having your mom walk in while you’re asking girl X, who her daddy is. OR worse, your guy whose room you’re using, walks in to look for his sneakers under the bed.

So what do you do? Make sure that whoever you live with (If you don’t stay alone) will absolutely not be around. If it’s your guy, buy him a beer and pledge one of your secondary Sarewas to him. If it’s your mom/brother/or any relative, beg/bribe/do whatever it takes to get ‘em outta the house totally.

And NO! You can’t use her place. I don’t care if she says her father does not return till 11pm. Be wise and take this advice from someone who has hidden in a wardrobe because someone’s daddy came home 2 hours early. <insert angry smiley here>

And if you’re using a dinghy motel, PLEASE pay in full BEFORE hand. Those folks are evil! They’ll listen at the door and when you’re one stroke from the edge they’ll come in and jack you for their remaining dough.

Imagine that and be afraid. Very afraid.

Any Other Business?

1. No is No – Yes! I brought this up again! Only yesterday I was called a rape instigator ☹. If after all your preparations and planning, she waits till y’all are kissing that she knows that she has a headache, just “gba kamu” (accept it) and walk away jejely with your purple balls between your legs.

Even if she has told you that she likes her Calaba-sorry, Vietnamese hair being pulled and that she wants you to “slap” her; don’t agree oh! Because you can’t tender BlackBerry chat history as evidence in court!

In fact! I advocate that you make her sign a pre-coital agreement.

YES!

Find a copy of the one I use below:

I, *insert name here*, hereby attest to have agreed to participate in an act of wanton copulation and fornication with *insert your own name here*. I have also requested that I be forcefully taken in this process. I relinquish my rights to ask for cab money home or money to replace any hair lost in the process of this copulation session. Let this document be deemed as proof of my consent without duress, coercion or the pressure of mad konji.

YES, you have my express permission to use as you wish. Take it as a gift from “Nnamdi”

2. Stay strappppeeedd! In the days of ignorance, I’d have said double it. But NONSENSE – National Organization of Nigeria Scientists and somming-sommin have decreed that doubling it is looking for trouble. And if you have condom jumping sperm or she has Ovaries that have sperm magnets installed, well, you’re on your own.

And LADIES, please don’t believe that shit about him allergic to condoms and how they make him wilt. It’s BULLSHIT. I’ve tried the allergy trick and it worked every time (God, have mercy on me)

I don’t know why I think of a Halo when the term ‘Gold Circle’ comes to mind, but those things ain’t shit! (There goes my G Circle endorsement).

Invest in quality!

All the time!

The reason is this: you never know who you’re fuxing with. I know for a fact, that some girls will judge you based on your choice of condom brands. You think she can’t tell the difference between a Rough Rider and a Durex? Dey Dere like Hakym o, sogbo?

Oh yeah! Choose wisely! If you’re packed like a China-man, down there (Note that I didn’t use the size WC. No Wande jokes, he’s my guy), don’t bother buying a Trojan Magnum. You won’t be impressing anyone if you ‘show up to the party’ looking like you’re dressed in Ghaddafi’s clothes.

3. Lubricate! You don’t have to be Rocco Sifredi to need ‘grease on your elbows’.  Even the Chinese use lubrication. Why do you think there is Chinese Balm? The lube game adds effizy to your circus act, most especially if you’re a “yam pounder”.

4. Performance Enhancers – Burantashi, the infamous Alomo, Shekpe, Opa-Eyin and the like. I honestly don’t believe in them, because I have never tried such (I am too paranoid for such). But I guess it works if there can be so much noise about them. If it floats your raft, then by all means, use away. But God help you if the Sarewa you’re Setting P with, should get caught in Lekki hold-up or has a family emergency she has to turn back for. You’ve heard that ‘self-help’ does not cure those artificial hard-ons right?

And on a final note, Don’t set P with someone you can’t be seen in broad daylight with. You will note I put this in bold. This is because it is Uber-important. Nobody will hear how bad the konji was doing you at the time. Especially when Precious starts claiming that you Kondo-ed her one rainy day in July.

Well, this ends today’s lecture. We hope you learned something. Next class is next week, and we’ll be talking on “Cock Blocking and Other Unforseen Circumstances”.

So, any questions??