Good day everyone. Sorry I’m late for class. The rain really got in my way today. But anyways…
So last week was very… interesting to say the least. Professor MadHaus spoke to you all about handling unforeseen circumstances, and we had quite an interesting discussion afterwards…
So, I think you’ve been given all the rudimentary knowledge you need to set and conduct a sensible P. However, there’s some other things you need to know, to make sure you don’t screw things up in your pursuit of a good P. I have called on Professor Tuns to explain them to you… she’s a very no-nonsense lecturer, so you’ll have to pay attention.
Summer P Setting: Best Practices (by Professor Tuns)
You! What’s that your name? @ThePervNerd? Whatever! My friend will you sit down!? Where do you think you are? Twitter?
Ehen… Now, I believe between your last three lecturers, you already know what setting P means.
If after the last three classes, you don’t know the meaning, chai. I suggest you go and wash your head somewhere. Because I don’t see what kind of hope you have. Surely your brain must look like a basket or something…
Okay, that was a bit unfair… but the truth is bitter.
Now, the point of today’s class is to make sure you all understand the best practices for a good, well set summer P. You can’t just go and be setting P anywhere belle face o. You need to do it right.
First of all, I must also warn you all, setting P is not for people in relationships oh. Especially for my ladies in this class. Yes, yimu all you want. But summer P is meant for those single children who have no responsibilities… (Shet… I used to be like that once o… lucky bastards…anyways.)
Be Sure Of What Your Potential P-Partner Looks Like
I know everybody likes to pretend that looks don’t really matter, but who are we lying to? Do you want to set P with somebody that you’ll need to get really drunk to shag? *hiss* Looks don’t matter ko… tell that to the guy who has set P with a dwarf. (I know somebody…shhh!)
Don’t be deceived by avatars and BBM display pictures.
Fellas, you attended Dr. Mrs Oluwadrake’s class. You know all the gimmicks girls can play. Find out what she really looks like o! Asking for a picture may be stressful. I Know that a lot of girls find it offensive when a guy says ‘send me your picture’… well, I find it offensive.
But as a professional online stalker with years of experience under my belt, I advise you use Facebook. Facebook is the most useful tool when you want to see the various dimensions of someone.
It’s normal that people will only put up very good pictures of themselves on their dp’s… but on Facebook, you will find pictures of them tagged by other people. They can’t always pretend. Besides, there’s always Skype. No? Yes?
The point is, do your research well. Make you no go set P thinking you are meeting Idris Elba, only to reach Silverbird and see Ayefele.
*choi, Father forgive me*
Don’t Be An INEC
INEC stands for –I NEver Chop.
Ladies, please respect yourselves.
Because the guy manage hold money carry you to eat, doesn’t mean it’s an all-you-can-eat affair.
Don’t order for food that will feed your entire village, and please! Don’t ask for take-away after you don chop clean mouth (again, I know one or two girls like this).
Eat food that you know o! Before your stomach will start doing windeck when it’s time for action to start.
Don’t go and be forming and then order for something just cos the name sounds nice. Remember say na over sabi dey kill monkey.
Offer to at least pick up part of the bill. Well, this part is not really compulsory sha…
Please I beg you in the name of anything that matters to you, if you cannot use fork and knife, please don’t pretend… just jejely drop the knife and use only the fork, better still, ask for a spoon.
If you are not eating out and he asks you to cook, if you can not, just politely decline after-all you are there to gbensh not cook.
Don’t Make It All About The Sex
Yes, I get you are there to kpox till you go blind, but there is no harm in doing other things.
Talk, have a good conversation. Well, unless of course the guy or the girl na gbagaun champion. In that case, less talk would be a better option.
Get to know each other. This is important because you never know who the other person is. You can be related, he/she can be an alien, he/she can be your sister’s boyfriend.
Play games, see a movie…babes don’t go and be lying on someone’s bed like a robot just pressing blackberry all night. If the guy vex bounce you na your own be that o.
No Double Standards
If you’re somebody that likes to carry “I sabi God pass you” on your head, well this is not for you. The truth is, the moment you signed that pre-coital contract, and agreed to have mindless sex with another human being is the same moment you forfeited your position in heaven and signed into block C, room 5, ground floor in hell fire.
So you can as well enjoy it while you are at it or just jejely turn back home and repent.
Don’t be sucking on some-ones pussy and be thinking ‘is it this same mouth I will use to receive holy communion’ or be sucking on some-ones dick and be thinking ‘this hand that I always use to hold micro-phone in the choir’…nba, there is no way you can give good head while thinking such holy thoughts.
If you have started, please, enjoy it and don’t use your alanta to spoil another person’s summer P o…
Play Good P Setting Music
This is very important. You need good music to set the mood. Please, you need to take this seriously. Don’t say because Terry G is your favourite artiste, that’s what you’ll play when you want to kpansh. And if you’re one of those people that just set your media player on random, if you’re in the middle of one kinky position and Kirk Franklin starts singing “my life is in your hands”, e don be for you o. Select your music wisely.
Practice Safe Sex
I can never over emphasize this one. Listen well o; Alabukun is dangerous to your health ladies, so also is Schweppes and alum.
AIDS no dey show for face.
The cost of treating an STD is more than the cost of condoms. And speaking of condoms, I think we’ve said this quite enough times *holds ear*: Gold Circle is not allowed o!
Oral sex is dangerous too.
Check that gala best before date before you put in your mouth.
If you smell something fishy, don’t think that one is normal o, don’t try yourself.
And eh, if you are not comfortable with giving head *yimu*, politely decline. But don’t expect any either sha.
Don’t Be Selfish
Guys, women want to enjoy the sex as much as you do.
Ask if you do not know what or how to do it.
Ladies tell him how to touch you. I know you’re not there to teach, but well, you’re there to have good sex and not count ceiling.
Read the other person’s body language, if the pum-pum is no longer wet, its time to either stop, or to touch and get her aroused all over again.
Don’t just keep pounding into her as if you want to sell iyan in White House from her pum-pum.
Know what other person wants and don’t go trying stunts that can land you at Igbobi Hospital. We’re not trying to re-write the Kama Sutra here (Not like I’ve read it or anything *polishes halo*)
If you must spank, do it gently (unless otherwise stated) make you no go receive back-hand.
Unless the other person is screaming “harder!”, always be gentle.
Boobs are not feeding bottles; don’t go chewing on them nipples as if you’ll soak them in hot water after.
If your cum face is unusual or really strange, please try and hint it… you don’t want the other person thinking you are having an epileptic fit, or that you’re a descendant of Ayamatanga.
Don’t Catch Feelings
I know ladies tend to get attached after a long night of great sex… some guys do too. But remember, you both agreed to just ‘set-P’ and not date or court or whatever. And if you signed that agreement Professor Jibs drew out for you, well, all contracts are binding in a court of law abi? Don’t be leaving the next morning blackmailing the dude with crocodile tears. Guys don’t be asking who she’s talking to on the phone and calling ‘baby’. Who is your baby? Ogbeni face front o jare!
There are times that P has lead to serious relationship, but it’s not all the time. Slow down, no be by force.
Don’t go making anyone feel bad… you are an adult, you set the P yourself. And as Dr Mrs Oluwadrake said, if you can’t handle the P, don’t set it!
Alright then. If you follow what I’ve outlined for you above, you should be able to have a good time without entering any kasala.
Class Dicussion: What other things should fall under “best practices” for a well enjoyable summer P?