Challenging Myself: Final

[Get You Open | The Ambassador]

So, today’s where it ends huh?

Somehow or the other, I’m not as happy as I thought I would be to see this challenge end. I mean, it was really cool to have a target to meet every single day; something to look forward to doing everyday and shit. But well, everything comes to an end eventually, and it’s time for this to end.

The last month has been… interesting. Taking this challenge has forced me to look at a lot of things that were (considered) important in my life, and also to write out my opinions and thoughts about many, many things.

[I Like Me | Kirk Franklin]

One thing that came to my mind a couple of days ago, is that we get over things. It may take a long time, it may hurt like hell for the time that it takes for you to move past it all, but eventually, we move on. One of the easiest ways to find out if you’ve moved on, are if the mnemonic associations you related to the experience stop kicking in when you come across them. Shout out to Remi… you told me it would happen, I just didn’t understand enough to believe you. I’ve learned a lot about family; how they’re the ones that help you, that stay by you when you need them… I’ve learned that I have a family. They’re the most unexpected (well, some of them) people I could’ve ever imagined, but they’re there for me. And I love them…. and they know themselves. 😀

[Personal Jesus | Tonex]

Anyways, I’m really hoping the next month of my life is fantastic. I’ve got something amazing coming up soon, which I’ll probably put up on here when it happens… something life changing. And I’m looking forward to it… that’s definite.

Speaking about getting over things and mnemonic associations, I was reading the “I Miss You” series on Efe’s blog and I remembered that I wrote a poem early last year with the same… theme. Funny how I haven’t read it since I wrote it back then. When I read it again, I was slightly scared that it would bring back memories that should have been gone… but it didn’t. So, I’m really happy to know completely that every bit of me that was associated with that is done.

Maybe I’ll post it here… who knows? 🙂

Oh yeah, if you decide you want to do this Blog challenge, you can find it here.

This was fun… see y’all soon.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Nine

[Glorious One | Fee]

*sigh*

This Challenge was meant to be finished yesterday. Unfortunately, Globacom decided to act like a slacked sumo wrestler’s thong, and I was left without a sensible internet connection for two days. This wasn’t the plan. The Challenge ends today.

Day Twenty Nine: A Picture of Me

Uhm, I’m not sure I understand what the point of this is. But hey… here I am.

 

Day Twenty Nine, done.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Eight

[Dust | Frank Ocean]

So, the last year has been… interesting. I’ve gone through many things, and come out on top. One of these things, I’d have to say, has to be NYSC. I got posted to Niger State, originally, and I remember that when I got there, I tried to reconcile the idea of my staying there for an entire year, and it just didn’t make any sense. Besides the fact that the Northern part of Nigeria has been… dangerous to say the least, it was just too far away from… everything. I didn’t know anyone there, I was… confused. But well, I got relocated to Lagos, and then began my journey here. It was a long journey, it wasn’t easy, and I’ve gone through a lot of stuff as I walked down that road.

But that’s over now.

A friend of mine asked me how I feel about it. I don’t know how I’m meant to feel. Free? Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder? Maybe… I’m just really glad I won’t have to wear those ugly ass uniforms anymore. I’m glad I won’t have to leave my crib to go sit down somewhere for hours, in the name of Community Development where I never did anything but sit.

I’m glad this chapter of my life is at an end. I wrote it; full of mistakes and experiences, but I wrote it. And as I close it today, a new chapter begins. And I’ll write that as well, until that ends. And I’ll keep writing. “…and when the ink dries, and the pages turn to dust, so will we return to dust…”

[Dangerous | Busta Rhymes]

Day Twenty Eight: My Happiest Month This Year

Okay, considering that we’re in October, I think it’s kinda weird that I’m attempting to decide what month I was happiest. Shouldn’t I just push this particular post to December? Wouldn’t that make more sense? No? No? Okay…

If I had to pick a month when I was happiest, in the last ten months, it’d have to be February. In February my life was… uncomplicated. I’d just moved out of my old man’s house, My mama was still in town, my old man and I had started getting along (cos I’d moved outta the house), I’d just started my job in an office that I really loved working at, I was… I wouldn’t say I was in love or in a relationship, cos I wasn’t, but I had an arrangement going on that I was pretty happy with. Things were looking pretty certain for me. And that’s one thing I love; certainty. I like feeling like I know what’s going on. Even if I’m not in control of it, the simple fact that I actually know what’s happening and there’s nothing to worry about, is for me, a very wonderful thing.

[We Made It | Busta Rhymes & Linkin Park]

February was a good month. March brought a lot of uncertainty and fear, and well… the months that followed weren’t so easy. But things get better eventually. This is one thing I believe; cos I have to… cos I need to… the year isn’t over yet. Maybe November and December will bring more joy. I hope they bring you joy.

Day Twenty Eight, done.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Seven

[S’eri | D-Tone]

So, NYSC ends tomorrow. I’m not completely sure how I feel about this. I mean, it’s been a year of… well… experiences, really. From Niger State, to Abuja, back to Lagos, and moving out of my parents’ house, it’s been quite dramatic. But all that ends tomorrow, and I become “a real boy”… well, let’s see what my life brings as tomorrow comes and goes.

Day Twenty Seven: About My Siblings

Well, what is there to say about my sisters?

Beautiful, yes… Intelligent, yes…

Uhm… what else?

*sigh*

We have a strange relationship, my sisters and I. A lot of the time, we don’t always agree on things, and we don’t even talk all the time, but I’ve come to realize that in a funny way, we’re always there for each other, just like siblings should be.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say now sef. Am I meant to talk about them in detail? Tell you how old they are, or… what? *shrug*

I’m gonna have to cop out on this.

Day Twenty Seven, done. Three days to go!

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Six

“… only the strong will continue, I know you have it in you, ‘cos we’ve got a journey to go…” – Nas & Damian Marley

On this thirty day journey that I undertook, I’ve gone through twenty five days. Along the way, a lot of things happened, and I found myself not posting on time. However, I keep pushing forward, trying to make sure those posts get in no matter what, even if I have to post a day or two late. Neither exhaustion, PHCN, nor Godzilla wearing a ski-mask can stop me from finishing. On that note, I know it’s a day late, but here’s day twenty six.

Day Twenty Six: My Religious Beliefs

*singing* “I believe Jehovah Jireh… I believe in Heaven…”

It’s funny how, the first time I heard Frank Ocean’s “We All Try”, those were the first words that struck me. And, listening to the rest of the song, it felt like those were the most important things for him to let everyone know he believed in. He’s not perfect, but he believes in Jesus, and he’s trying.

I’m kinda the same way.

Over the years, I’ve seen the fire of belief in God that I possessed, become rather weak; up until I reached a bridge of many questions and I wasn’t sure anymore if I really believed in God. After a while, when I decided I wanted to come back, I became quite worried that He wouldn’t want me back, so I still stayed away. I had many qualms and reasons to be angry, but well… we all have our issues.

What’s the point of this cool story? I’m obviously digressing.

My religious beliefs, yes.

I was born into a Christian home. So for me, growing up, it wasn’t really something I had to think about. I was Christian by default. I believed in Jesus Christ and His legitimacy as the Son of God unequivocally. Of course, as I got older, I began to ask questions. I remember one day, this dude said to me “only God knows who’s serving him right. All we can do is hope that we’re right. Because at the end of the day, man is still man; fallible, and quite capable of leading themselves astray.”

I think he was right. But like I said a couple of posts ago, I realized that as right as he was, it’s much better to live like there is a God and find out that there isn’t, than to live like there isn’t, and find out that there is. As to why I’m a Christian… *sigh*… I’ve looked at other religions, and asked myself, “why not them? Why do I believe in Jesus? Why is He God to me?”

“Is Christ the Lord, you ask me? I say He can be, for He never taught anything Himself but love… If Christ is the Lord, then what a beautiful miracle it is. That the Lord Himself should come down to Earth and clothe Himself in flesh to better know us and comprehend us. Oh, what God, ever made in the image of Man and by His fancy, was ever better than one who would become flesh?” – Anne Rice

That’s what I believe.

Day Twenty Six, done

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Four

[How Great is our God | Seventh Day Slumber]

*sigh*

My internet has been screwed up since Sunday afternoon. I’ve actually been writing these posts everyday, but I’ve been unable to post them. So I’ll probably put all three missing posts up today.

This challenge is almost finished sha… got an email from my would-be-editor… all I have to say is, if I accept his challenge, things are going to be… insane. Speaking about challenges, my flatmates and I started a 30day challenge this morning; no alcohol, smoking, or sex for the next thirty days. The next month is going to be very interesting. I’m hoping my flatmate is going to be able to quit smoking completely at the end of the thirty days. May we dey watch dey go. *chuckle*

[Get You Open | The Ambassador]

Day 24: Things I want to say to 5 People

It was a bit hard to choose five people alone who I’d like to say stuff to, but well, it had to be done. I’ve decided that I’m not going to put their names in the post. If they read and can identify themselves in my words, cool.

So…

You are the first love of my life; the reason I’ve come this far and the reason I keep going. Making you happy is a long term goal that I try to fulfill every day. Your name on my hand is a sign to show how much you mean to me. And I hope there’ll always be a time I can call and tell you I love you.

In times of fear and darkness you shone hope into my dreary soul. You told me what I needed to hear and never refused to give me strength and courage whenever I needed you near. Your faith and belief have kept me going a long time, and I hope I can always be there for you, as you’ve been there for me, till we’re both old and gray.

I know you haven’t been the best, but you’ve always tried. And regardless of everything that I’ve gone through because of you, I’m still proud to have been a part of you. You’ve taught me to be strong, and responsible, passed on to me a will of fire that I pray will never go out. And for this, I’ll always love you.

Time and chance brought us together; connected us in that way which we don’t even understand sometimes. What exists is great as is. Do I think the bracket should be expanded? Why? Is it even worth it? We don’t even understand each other. I hope we can. What do I want? Nothing… yet, everything. My unspecific nature may be trying at times, but hey, maybe you’ll be able to handle it. And if you can’t, I guess we’ll chalk it up to losses faced in the game we play.

You were right. Some days, I feel like this was a shit deal I got. But then, I think about it, and I realize we’ve created something phenomenal. We’ll be connected forever, even on days when I feel like killing you for something trivial, even when you step on my toes and bruise my ego. I don’t see us going anywhere anymore; too much between us differs, and I’m not willing to open myself up in that way. Not without some certainty, which you obviously can’t give me. So we’ll move on, and love what we have; which, honestly, is the best we’ll ever have.

*sigh*

Too much emotion.

Day Twenty Four done.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Three

“She asked, ‘where is the truth hidden?’ I laughed, not because she asked, but because as I’m living, I’m learning that the truth is hidden everywhere; literally everywhere. There is no place you can scour, search or visit except the truth is in it. The truth is hidden even in the question ‘where is the truth hidden?’ In truth, the truth isn’t hidden; it is the true and living. The ones that’re trying to hide the truth try to convince me and you that they hid it, but they didn’t. It is not that the truth isn’t being spoken, rather we may not be ready to listen.” – Amir Sulaiman

Very few statements have resonated within my consciousness as deeply as Amir’s words up there have.

[Color | Seal]

The weekend’s been going quite well I must say. I’m learning a few things about myself; more to the point, I’m learning things about myself that are true. That I’m not as… innocent as I like to believe I am, and sometimes, the “I’m not doing anything wrong” mindset I put to myself is simply a bullshit way of making it easy to sleep well at night.

But then, it’s rather difficult to tell yourself the truth. It’s even more difficult to totally accept the truth, even when you’re the one telling yourself.

[Can’t Explain | Jill Scott]

Day Twenty Three: Something I Always Think “What If…” About

Hian, I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself on this now.

But then, I think “what if…” about a lot of things…

I remember this movie I saw once, where this guy found out that his world was a computer simulation made by some high tech godlike somebody. This wasn’t like The Matrix or anything, where they had real bodies but their minds were trapped in anything; they just simply didn’t exist in reality. But their reality was real to them. And at the end of the movie, it turned out that the person that made their “dimension” found out that his world was also a simulated dimension made by another being bigger than him. For a long time after that, the idea was stuck in my head; what if we’re simply living for the amusement of some twisted being who made us strictly for his/her amusement?

[Ne Me Quitte Pas | Nina Simone]

I think this was where my questions about God and his existence started taking a slight dive; because my mind couldn’t really wrap itself around all these questions of existentialism and all that stuff. But well, I’m finding my way sha…

Something else I think about sometimes would have to be; what if the chicken had never crossed the damn road? I mean really, that annoying chicken has caused so many problems for humanity. Pointless questions, dead jokes, arguments, ridiculous theories about alien abductions and ninja chicken clans chasing innocent chickens from their villages on one side of the road and forcing it to cross the road and create a new settlement… you get the point, don’t you?

[Slow Dancing in a Burning Room | John Mayer]

What if my walls could talk? What would they say about me whenever I turned my back? Would they laugh with each other about all the dumb shit I do in-between them? What if my bed could speak out? Would it complain and tell me I’m too heavy to be lying down on it?

What if I never get to do all the things I want to do in life? What if, by some weird, freaky draw of fate, my life ended tomorrow? Would life simply just go on amongst the living? What if Adam had never listened to Eve? What if Sheep had never come to the Big City? What if Cinderella had never lost that glass slipper?

*chuckle*… I could go on all night.

But I’ve gotta get myself ready for church tomorrow.

Day Twenty Three done. G’night y’all.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty Two

*CoresOutApple*

Yeah, it’s a Friday night. I don’t like the whole Friday night clubbing thing, so I like to just chill at home, watch a movie and drink with the team. But… on a night such as this, where I’m chilling alone, I guess I’ll have to make do with my own company. Which as it so happens, I rather like.

*InitiatesFlightSequence*

#Day twenty two: Ten Things about Me People Don’t Really Expect

Wow, Day Twenty Two huh?

Hard to believe that I’ve made it this far, but apparently I have. So… let’s get on with it.

I’m not sure what things about me people don’t expect. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to know these things. But… let’s try.

Friendliness: I remember in 2007, I was voted Biggest Snob in this lesson I was going to. I barely spoke to anyone all through the time I was there. I’d just show up, pay attention and all that, and go straight home. I just couldn’t relate with them at all cos… I couldn’t. I would leave the lesson, go into unilag to chill with friends, and come back. But enough with the cool stories jare. I’m a friendly person. I know I may seem a bit reserved around people I don’t know/am not comfortable with, but hey… that’s normal no? I’m friendly. And if anyone disagrees, I’ll give ‘em a piece of my mind. Understand? K

Martial Arts & Flexibility: Okay, so a lot of people see “Capoeira” in “CapoeiraPanda”, and don’t really know what it means. I then have to go into an explanation about how it’s a martial art and all that. This is okay and all, but most people don’t believe it. I can’t say I blame them really. Four years ago I weighed 105kg, and I know if I wasn’t me, I’d find it hard to believe myself. And then when they see me playing… it’s always a lot of fun to see shock on faces when I flip, or kick or… whatever it is.

Singing: Most people see me or hear me, and don’t even believe that I can sing. I like to keep it that way sef. I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe I’m self-conscious, but well, I don’t care so much about what people think, and a lot of the time I’m proud enough to sing at the top of my lungs all day. But… *shrug*

Silence: Around people with whom I’m comfortable, I talk a lot. This is kinda hard to reconcile with my saying that a lot of people don’t think I’m a friendly person, but bear with me. Anyways, so around the people with whom I’m comfortable, seeing me silent is kinda odd, but it happens. I sometimes go into mood swings and just stay quiet for hours. *chuckle*… some days I don’t even expect it. It just happens sha.

Speech: Two days ago, my new boss was saying to me “you speak so well…” with slight shock in his voice. I’m not sure if he was surprised because I truly speak well, or because he’s just a pretentious douche who thinks he’s too good for Nigeria, but anyways, I’ve gotten compliments like this for years. It gets kinda annoying. I mean, because I’m big and black, am I meant to sound like a goat with socks stuffed between his gap teeth? Na wa oh…

Music: My taste in music is… eclectic. Some people say it’s good, but… *shrug*… I think I just like what I like. It’s good music. Isn’t everyone expected to like good music? Are there actually people out there who truly and honestly like Vic-O’s music? Are there? Is the world not truly coming to an end?

Am I ranting again? I’m sorry.

Intensity: Oomph. I stare shamelessly. But wait, that’s not the point. Anyways, I hear my stare’s hard to take sometimes. Like I’m trying to bore into the soul through that stare. My behavior as well can be rather intense. I like to go from being uncommitted about things to being in all the way. It’s in the way I write, talk… uhm, I think you get my point.

Abeg, I’ll stop here jare. I can’t think of anything else. I already feel like I’m washing myself with all this. I dey go sleep jare.

Day twenty two done. G’night y’all.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Twenty One

*sigh*

…

[Tears & Rain | James Blunt]

Where do I start today’s post from?

Day Twenty One: Something I Can’t Seem to Get Over

Disappointment

I’m disappointed.

Yeah… that sounds about right. I’m disappointed in human nature and the inability of people to change, even when reasons that should be catalysts for change stare them right in the face. I’m disappointed in myself for always giving people (who so obviously don’t deserve it) a chance to do right. I’m disappointed in myself for always forgetting that human beings are selfish, and that some are a little more selfish than others; some… obscenely selfish. I’m disappointed in myself because even when I know it’s not my place to change people, I can’t help but see the good that could be if they simply attempted to be different; simply attempted it. But then… they never do. And I’m left here… disappointed.

[We All Try | Frank Ocean]

I love this song. I love it because it’s a song full of faith; in self, in people, in nature… but I hate it because it’s wrong. We don’t “all” try. Some of us don’t even really give a shit. Some people are actually wicked. Some people sin because they want to. They do the wrong they do because they’re self serving and don’t give three flying, four legged f***s how their actions affect the people around them.

I don’t know how to get over it.

I don’t know how to find the place of disillusionment with humanity as a whole that I’d need to move forward. Because that’s what I need, I think. I need to become so jaded about everyone around me, that I stop expecting things from them. I need to come to a place where I look at people and expect them to screw up, expect them to be the shitty ass people they are who will do everything they do simply for their own benefit and attempt to give me the short straw. That way, I’ve prepared myself for what’s coming and made preparations to be off the sidewalk when that out of control truck that contains the painful effects of their constantly stupid decisions comes spinning down the road.

I need to not trust anymore.

Yeah… that’s about it.

-Panda-

Challenging Myself: Day Nineteen

“…and God made Gin & Tonic, and saw that they were good together…” – @Queen_UK

I’ve said before, that the person behind that twitter account has many spiritual problems. If you don’t know what I’m on about, I’m talking about the parody twitter account created for the Queen of England. Definitely one of the funniest accounts I’ve ever followed. But… yeah… gin & tonic is a fantastic mix, which I happen to be having some of at the moment.

[Paper Scissors Rock | Chris Brown]

Sorry I didn’t put this up yesterday, fell asleep. I think I should go back to writing my posts early in the morning, no? Anyways…

#Day Nineteen: Something that Never Fails to Make Me Feel Better

This one is quite easy, I think. That would have to be music and writing.

I think that listening to music has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. At any given point in time, I’d have some song or the other to relate to when I’m going through difficult times. Lemme list a few:

Why Georgia – John Mayer: This song helped me a lot of times when I was simply depressed. I go through mood swing bouts a lot (or at least I used to), when I’m just depressed for no identifiable reason. At points like that, I’d simply get into my old Jetta, turn this song up on repeat, and just frigging drive nowhere in particular. Listening to John’s voice going, “…don’t believe me… when I say, I’ve got it down…” would help lift my spirits. I think, maybe because I could always relate with the lyrics to the song… I don’t know. Oh yeah, this is my favorite song… ever.

Think About Me – Artful Dodger feat. Michelle Escofrey: I don’t even know why I love this song. It’s actually never happened to me – the lyrics I mean – but for some reason, there were times when I’d want to listen to absolutely nothing else. There was a day in uni, when I had a fight with my ex girlfriend, that I listened to this song sixty three times. I think Amina seized my iPod that day. *chuckles*

[Novacane | Frank Ocean]

You Know My Name – Chris Cornell: This song is just pure truth. It tells life as it is; nobody is going to get what you want for you. A few people may help, may be there for you, but you have to do things yourself. And imagining that you’re strong enough to handle everything? That’s just sheer stupidity. “I’ve seen diamonds cut through harder men… than you yourself but if you must pretend… you may meet your end…”

Dust – Frank Ocean: *sigh* from a writer’s perspective, and from the perspective of someone that’s happened to fall in love with the wrong person a few times… this song is just perfection. Ugh…

Anyways, besides music, words help. Writing, reading… it’s quite therapeutic to simply let my feelings leak onto a page, or read someone else’s words and see how the person’s been through something similar to what I’m going through. I’ve found, that writing from a point of experience, where emotions are involved, is probably the best way to get a good post out. Some people read my blog and tell me “oh this poem is my favorite.” And I’m thinking to myself how, writing that piece was one of the most difficult things for me to do. But ah well… I guess creativity and misery are friends. Don’t believe me? Just go ask Adele. 😀

A lot of the time, I simply go blog crawling. Auria Ally, Write His Wrongs, Wisdom is Misery, AGirlGoingInsane… these are still some of my favorite blogs.

Aight. Day Nineteen done. J

-Panda-